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the hardest year yet

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by fancimanci, Jun 2, 2018.

  1. fancimanci

    fancimanci Member

    So at this point i feel as though i have no where else to turn so i figured i would join this forum to maybe get a little insight and help. this last year has been the hardest yet for me. I have been a heroin addict for almost 7 years but have always had something to fall back on for 16 years. I am 3o years old and ever since i was 14 i have had a drinking problem. In high school I i lost all my friend which i turned to alcohol and pretty much from the start was drinking to get drunk any chance i could get . I've gotten arrested several times due to my drinking up until i was put in the hospital when i was 25 to detox of alcohol. My ex boyfriend(the love of my life) hung himself a year prior to my hospitalization which spiraled me out of control and ultimately led me to detox. I couldn't function without taking a few shots of vodka in the morning , the shakes were unbearable. I would drink vodka from morning till night, laying on the couch and not eating day after day for a year. Since then ive barley touch alcohol but heroin became my go to . I couldn't handle the guilt and heartache i felt for my exes death because i always felt like i was apart of the reasoning behind him killing himself, still do feel that way. to this day i still haven't fully recovered or even really dealt with his death. Heroin became my best friend. I started doing heroin when i was 24 , i hated it from the beginning. never liked the taste and got sick every time i smoked for at least 6 months i puked every time i smoked. My other ex boyfriend got me into it . He and i were at the beginning functioning addicts . both had an apartment both had 2 jobs and no one knew about our secret and what we did behind closed doors. Eventually I lost my jobs he lost his apartment and jobs and we started living in his car. he had cheated lied any chance he could get and was emotionally mentally and physically abusive so my self esteem and confidence was non existent when we started living in the car. I wasn't an angel but i was very loyal to him no matter what he did to me and no matter what he didn't tell me. I loved him . We started stealing to feed our addiction , we had many ways of making money but our main ways of getting money quick were stealing and returning at stores all over San Diego but eventually that luck ran out to the point where i couldn't walk into any stores any more so we started dealing . We got arrested a couple times for possession and paraphernalia, had court dates missed and warrants issued. By the time my 30th birthday came around i was exhausted and over the lifestyle and i knew it was coming to an end , our luck was running out . I went home for a birthday dinner but was basically an intervention , within 45 minutes my family was taking me to a rehab in orange county. I didnt get to even say goodbye to my boyfriend but at that point i was leaving to get away from him, not just the drugs. e had gotten so out of control and way more abusive than i ever thought he would get. I even started making videos and recordings of him just in case he did kill me so i would have proof for my family and friends and the authorities . I was doing good was living in a sober living doing an IOP but got kicked out after 2 months because me and 5 friends decided to go out and drink . This led to me going with a friend to Pamona where i became homeless and started shooting up almost immediately. My family was so disappointed in me and i was so ashamed i just figured i would just dissapear. the second time i shot up i overdosed in an abandoned car lot. i woke up in the ambulance and had no clue what had happened. I lived on the streets spent a couple nights in a garage of an abandoned house with other homless people. the "friend"i went out there with eventually stole all of my general releife and my ebt card n left me out there so i was all alone for a month. i met someone that said he would take me back to san diego despite my mom telling me on thanksgiving not to com back (which she still regret doing but i understood) but as soon as i got in his car he became a maniac. after 4 days of turmoil with this asshole he decided to leave me in santa ana taking all of my things with him . He left me with this guy who decided to rob someone at gun point an hour later which led to our arrest that night. I couldn't believe what i had gotten myself into. by 11 the next day i was let off because the kid he robbed vouched for me . I was very lucky. but i found myself once again homeless and alone but now in santa ana . i started living at the courthouse living in tents for a week then left and lived on the streets not that far from there . eventually my family went looking for me and found me by putting up posters and asking around . i couldn't believe that they actually found that point i was wanting to be with my family more than ever. I came back got clean and relapsed lived in the car again fora month and now here i am . I cant seem to get into a rehab because my income is non existent and the medi cal covered places have waitlists up to 3 months so i feel very discouraged and cant seem to figure out a way to stay away from heroin . i quit 4/17 but since then have relapsed and quit like 4 times. ive thought way to much about just overdosing and ending it all . I feel terrible about what im doing to my family i jut feel like it would be easier for them for me to just end it once and for all. Ive lost all hope .
  2. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    @fancimanci Yes i know how you feel,i have been exactly where you are with addiction.I drank myself to death and by the grace of God i was brought back right before they covered my face with the white sheet,i had a heroin addiction which i traded for Oxycontin due to the strength and purity of it,i was injecting320 mg's a day or 4 80's a day.I have no easy answers because there isn't one.I've been married18 year's and separated 3 of them and it nearly cost me my life detoxing as i did it cold turkey because I was told by an addiction specialists and addiction dr that i had a month to live either way,just so you know right here in orange county but anyways i went home and told my wife the situation made her promise to re marry if i died and i quit.27 day's straight i didn't eat,sleep,i screamed in intense pain,i hallucinated,i puked,etc and 3 trips to the hospital to re hydrate.Anyways my point is after i walked on day 28 sober i was kicked out anyway but i at least had a place to detox.So sh×t im trying to find something to ease this for you and I'm struggling to.I think you need to decide what you want in life,if you want to live talk to your family and ask for help there is no shame in needing or receiving help.It is not your fault for the death of your ex and I know there is hope for you so please stop contemplating suicide.Search through this site and read my post i started with low self esteem and still struggle at times but now i spend my time running and advising and i change my profile pic constantly to show how much i run,lol im trying to catch Forrest Gump but i think he ran much more than I.Anyways Stay Strong and God Bless Take Care.You can do this
    deanokat likes this.
  3. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    @fancimanci i would love to hear how you are doing today
    deanokat likes this.
  4. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @fancimanci... Welcome to the community. You have gotten some fabulous insight and advice from @True concern. How are you doing? If you have time, please check in with us and let us know how you are.