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The part of me I hate.. the addict.

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by NyX82, Nov 6, 2015.

  1. NyX82

    NyX82 Member

    My journey into the life of addiction really starts at birth for me. My father was an addict, an alcoholic, a dealer, and an abuser. My earliest memories are of him hurting my mother and me. He was an absolute nightmare to be around but thankfully my mother took me and left him when I was 4. Unfortunately it was court ordered that he still have visitation with me. To this day I will never understand this when they knew how bad he was. I watched drugs rule his life and those around him. I saw how addiction made him act. He hurt people I loved, he hurt me but yet I still ended up following in his foot steps. I stopped going to see him when I was 12 but that didn't keep the bad out of my life. I was a tortured soul and I started to use alcohol to cope at the age of 16. I think what ultimately led to a turn to drugs was something that happened to me that year. I won't go into detail but it changed my life forever. I began taking opiates which I found made me feel even better. This really didn't become a huge problem until I started dating my ex.

    He was addicted to Heroin which I was unaware of at the time but even when I found out I didn't run. We started using together and it quickly turned into a relationship more about drugs than each other. We were together a year before I just had enough. I couldn't deal with the drug abuse anymore. We had both been in rehab multiple times but we were triggers for each other. We just couldn't stay clean. I couldn't handle the fights anymore and I was just done with all of it. I was ready to leave him and change my life when I found out I was pregnant. I stayed with him, I felt I had to because of our baby. I got clean but he didn't. After our baby was born I started using again. This went on for years. I got pregnant again but this time I was unable to keep myself clean. I was far to gone in addiction at that point and my ex did not help. I was very lucky that my daughter was born with no problems. I can never be thankful enough about this.

    Our drug abuse took an even worse turn after our daughter was born. My ex started going to a Methadone Clinic but since we were low income we could only afford for him to go. I was left stuck buying Suboxone off of people just to keep myself from being sick so I could function as a mom. Eventually he got take home doses of Methadone and would share them with me. This was the worst part of my life. He would only give me some every three days so I was constantly going in and out of withdrawal. I hated him for this and I hated him for the way he treated me. He constantly was belittling me and telling me how I was worthless. He was always yelling at me. I just became so depressed that I couldn't even function normally. I wanted out so badly but I knew if I left him I wouldn't be able to take my children. I was a stay at home mom with no where to go. It took a while but I finally just couldn't do it anymore and told him it was over. He kicked me out and I moved in with a family member. This is where my drug abuse ended.

    I came off Methadone on my own with out anyone in my family even knowing. I took a class and got certified as a Nurse's Aide. I got a job and really turned my life around. I was so proud of who I was becoming. I eventually met the love of my life, we've been together for almost 2 years now. We have a baby boy together now and thankfully I still get to see my older 2 kids whenever I want. They love having a baby brother and are much happier now that their dad and I are not together. I still struggle today with wanting to use and I'm definitely guilty of using alcohol to cope with life. I know though what it's like to live in that hell and that's a place I never want to go back to. Any time I even think of wanting to use I just remember what it did to me and my family and that's enough to keep me clean.
  2. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    Hi and welcome to our forum. Thank you for taking the time to share your painful story with us. I cried as I read it thinking of how much you have endured in your life. I am glad to hear that your second daughter had no issues when she was born. That is a blessing. I am happy to hear that you finally got your life turned around and that you have a whole new life. A new career, a good man and a little boy. Are your daughters with their Dad? I know that you still struggle but you have to focus on the present and the future. The past is just that. Keep moving forward. Your story will be an inspiration to many other. I am so proud of you!
    NyX82 likes this.
  3. kgord

    kgord Community Champion

    I think you should be proud of yourself for all you have overcome in your life. It sounds like you have really endured and struggled, and this is something that you can be proud of. It is one of the many things you need to understand in your life. It is a good thing that you did for yourself and your family.
    NyX82 likes this.
  4. NyX82

    NyX82 Member

    Thank you so much to both of you for your kind words! I actually have a son who is 12 and my daughter who is 8 and they both live with their father. He's in a much better place now and he's a great father to them now. Then I have my youngest with the man I'm with now and he is 10 months. I'm definitely proud of where I am now. I still have much more that I hope to accomplish but I know I'm on the right path to having and keeping a good life :).
  5. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @NyX82... Welcome to the community and thanks for sharing your story with us. Wow. You've been through a lot. My heart goes out to you. But I want you to know how proud I am of you for getting clean and turning your life around. You are so awesome! Going through what you went through and coming out on the other side is an incredible achievement. Your story will be an inspiration to anyone who reads it.

    Keep doing the next right thing, and know that you are living a healthier, happier life because of the positive changes you've made. Your family is much better off, too. I'm happy to hear that your ex is in a better place now as well.

    We're glad you're here. I hope you can offer some support and hope to those here who need it.

    Peace and hugs.
  6. dyanmarie25

    dyanmarie25 Community Champion

    Hello there, @NyX82! Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing your story to us here. I am glad to know that your life has been doing pretty well, but I hope there would come a time when you will never need alcohol anymore to deal with life. Anyway, you are a strong person, and I am proud of what you have achieved so far. Wishing you all the best. Keep us posted. :)
  7. ReadmeByAmy

    ReadmeByAmy Community Champion

    @NyX82 Hello and welcome to this forum! Thank you for the courage of sharing your story with us in this forum. You had so many struggles in your life and it is nice to know that you had decided to get clean to move on with a new life. Always hope for the best and you may continue doing all your aspirations in life. You must be proud of yourself because you are able to deal with all your struggles and your story is truly an inspiration and keep it up!
  8. NyX82

    NyX82 Member

    Thank you everyone! I really never expected anyone to even reply to my story. I'm not use to people that I don't even know being so encouraging and saying so many nice things. I think life will always be a struggle for me. I deal with a lot of issues with anxiety and I'm not a really social person. To be honest people scare the hell out of me lol. I'm happy though with life and that's all that really matters I guess.