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The truth

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Danp1016, May 17, 2015.

  1. Danp1016

    Danp1016 Member

    It's kinda funny how the truth get changed over time. How we remember it. I want the truth out there before my memory changes it any more.
    Hi my name is dan, I'm a recovering drug addict. My clean date is 5/24/13 and the most important day of my life is may 17th of 2013. I'll get to that in a little bit. A little about myself. I'm one of those addicts that didn't have a preferred drug I was homeless and an IV user. Heroin and meth. For a really long time. I am not trying to trigger anyone I just know some people will relate better.
    I've been using since I was 15 back in 2004. In late 2011 my mother died of cancer. It was the excuse I needed to really let go. I had a pregnant girlfriend and out baby was going to be disabled. I did what any drug addict with an excuse would do. I left. I flew across the country so I could drink and use how I wanted. When my child was born I was in a bathroom at a bar in Orlando. I got a picture of my child and I got a desire to get clean and to be a good dad.
    I flew home to try and be a dad and a partner and a good man. I had no tools. No solutions only problems. Wishing 2 months I picked up 2 new felonies.(I had only been off parole for 4 months).
    After I got out of jail I knew where I went wrong and tried it again. Told the PO if my way didn't work I would try the in patient criminal substance abuse program. I am a x-con did 3 years in state prison.
    It was may. My first Father's Day I spent nodded out in bed with my daughter crying beside me. I was back in jail within a week.
    I got into that treatment program. June 30th 2012 was my clean date. I was in there for 10 months. I wanted to quit so many times. I would call my po and hang up before he answered. Then I would call my little brother and tell him what I was going through. He was so strong and believed in me even when I didn't believe in myself. He would always talk me down tell me how proud he was of me. In reality I was proud of him. He had a dirt bag junkie as an older brother a mother that died the year he turned 18, and he had enlisted in the army and was becoming a amazing man. He was like my big brother. And I was the little brother.
    I wish I could say I took the suggestions they gave me in treatment. Take it slow. Go to meetings. Take self care time. I got a job I had some clean time and I got "cured".
    On May 17th of 2013 I was on the way to the pool with my daughters brother and sister and my little brother called. He wanted someone to talk to. He was having problems and needed that big brother he had been to me the last year. I wish I could tell you I took the time to talk to him. Instead I told him to man up stop being a bitch he was a grown ass man. Call me when he had it figured out. I'll never forget what I said and what he told me after that. He said whatever maybe I'll talk to you again some day.
    What I didn't know is my little brother was in a high speed chase with the police. His girlfriend had left him, and taken the kid. He was hurt and desperate for love. And he had never gotten over loosing our mother.
    5 min later my little brother drove his car into a cement wall going 120 miles per hour. The car exploded on impact. He died instantly.
    I was out having a good old time living a life he helped give me by taking the time to talk to me.
    When I got up the next morning there was a army officer waiting to speak to me. I died that day.
    All the pain I had been running from. The hole I had barely stitched together ripped open. And I knew the cost of my selfishness.
    I held it together for a few days. Went to work. Set up the funeral. I remember makin his slide show for the funeral. It was the last thing I had to do. I thought " it's done I did my part I can go" I emptied my safe. Got my pay check and dropped off the pictures.
    I won't go into the details but that night i did my very best to kill myself in a bag. I don't remember much. But I remeber that no matter how much I did I couldn't kill the pain anymore.
    I was faced with a choice. I called my parole officer and told him I got loaded. I went to jail, got out for his funeral. I can still hear the bag pipes playing amazing grace as the casket closed.
    My little brother died so I could live. Even in death he took care of me. I don't know how long it would have taken to hit that bottom. For months after that I didn't even want to live. Or get out of bed
    Things slowly got easier. I stayed busy. Got involved. And some how have been clean for almost 2 years. That little girl I walked away from loves me so much. I am a dad today, I am getting married. I have a home. And a job.
    I'm slowly finding peace. By trying to live today not just for myself but for him. And for all my friends that have died from addiction. I've been to funerals with only 6 people there because of the wreckage that has been caused. A Paul bearer for someone I never knew. Addiction is real and people are dying.
    I don't know why I didn't. I don't know if anyone will actually read this but I needed to get it out. I don't share my whole story very often. My responsibly ways heavy even today.

    If your struggling hang in there. There is peace and there is freedom. I've spent years locked up. But I spent way longer a prisoner to my addiction. I don't go into a room full of people and feel alone anymore.

    RIP PVT. M.P.
    Megan S, xTinx, LilAnn and 4 others like this.
  2. Danyell

    Danyell Community Champion

    I am so glad that you shared your story. It has given me hope that I too can recover and find peace within my self. I have been a IV heroin addict for years now and I can relate to a lot of what you have been through. I always love talking and listening to other recovering addicts. We can all relate in one way or another.
  3. Winterybella

    Winterybella Community Champion

    Danp1016, I read your story and it fills me with emotion. I am saddened by your lost and happy for what you have found. There are times when I have much to say but right now all I will do is welcome you to the forum and wish you success in your journey ahead. Yours is a story that will stay with me for a very long time. Like Danyell, I am happy you shared your story and I pray it gives hope to still others out there. Welcome again and thank you for sharing your truth.
  4. calicer1996

    calicer1996 Community Champion

    Beautiful story indeed. This should be made into a movie so that it could reach the masses. Thanks for sharing!
  5. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Danp1016... Wow. What an emotional story. Thank you for coming to the forum and sharing. I'm so sorry for your family's losses. Losing loved ones is so painful. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family.

    Your story is one that can provide inspiration and hope to so many others. Reading all that you have been through and knowing that you are now on the verge of your 2-year sober anniversary fills me up with joy. It shows people that recovery can and does happen, and that it can still happen after multiple attempts; and even after suffering through tragedies. No matter how dark the tunnel, there is always a light at the end of it.

    I admire your courage and perseverance so much. I hope everyone who reads your story remembers your words: "If your struggling hang in there. There is peace and there is freedom."

    Thanks again for sharing, and continued success to you!
  6. EditorsRHumansToo!

    EditorsRHumansToo! Community Champion

    Hi @Danp1016 Warm welcome and love to you and your precious family! I am very sorry about your little brother. I am very sad, as well. Thank you for taking the time to tell us your story. You do have a good and purposeful life. With your experience and resolve in your hand, you are able to influence people who struggle. You shine with so much love for them. You are an inspiration of hope to many many people to take the step of faith with self-realization-- the beginning of healing.

    I look forward to hearing from you more, dear friend!
  7. gracer

    gracer Community Champion

    Hi @Danp1016! Thank you so much for trusting us and sharing your story. I really don't know what to say right now. I don't know if you believe in angels but if you do then I must say your brother is the angel sent to bring you back to the right path. May his memories serve as your strength to go on with life. After all, that's what he wants for you. He wants you to continue your journey through life bringing lessons with you to serve as your inspiration. Cherish the life you have now and be the good husband and father you were meant to be. One day you will also be your child's guiding light the way your brother was to you. Be strong! :)
  8. Damien Lee

    Damien Lee Community Champion

    You've led a hard and difficult life, Danp1016. Personally, I don't think I could even handle half the stuff you've been through. That tells me that you're a very strong man, regardless of your troubles. Life is seldom perfect, but it's the only one we've got. It's important to carry on and take things on a day-by-day basis. It's great that you shared your story with us, hopefully a small burden from your shoulders has been lifted.
  9. Nonn

    Nonn Member

    Thanks for the story Dan. Stay strong and always keep your head up.
  10. LilAnn

    LilAnn Community Champion

    Your story made me cry. I am so sorry you have had to go thru all that! I admire your strength. That little girl is lucky to have someone as strong as you to love her and take care of her.
    deanokat likes this.
  11. Jay C.

    Jay C. Member

  12. Corzhens

    Corzhens Active Contributor

    It is such a sad story, typical that of a ruined life. The death of your mother is a big blow and probably a direct contributory factor to the depressing situation. Well, I can relate to that because my brother also lost his senses one day, not because someone had died but because he learned of the truth - my mother is the second wife and my father has a first family with 9 children, all older than me (I am the youngest in the brood of 12).

    As I saw it, that incident of discovering the truth about who we are, trigerred that desire to get lost. My brother, he is older then me by 2 years, went on a drinking spree. He was on alcohol for several weeks until he discovered Meth, the street cocaine called Shabu. And that did it, we instantly had an addict in the house.
  13. LilAnn

    LilAnn Community Champion

    I'm really sorry to hear that. We're you able to convince him to get help?
  14. xTinx

    xTinx Community Champion

    I was on the verge of tears reading your story. It was beyond painful and how brave of you to just write it all out for the perusal of people you don't personally know. Nevertheless, time heals wounds as it did yours. What really saved you was your love - your love for your brother, your daughter and friends who left you too soon. As long as you have this love with you, no matter what happens (heaven forbid), you'll always survive. All the best!
  15. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Corzhens... I'm sorry to hear about your brother. How is he doing now? My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
  16. LilAnn

    LilAnn Community Champion

    Maybe you would feel more at peace if you did something just for your brother. Something to remember him by, and so his name will live on. A memorial of sorts?
    deanokat likes this.
  17. Megan S

    Megan S Member


    You have endured so much pain and your challenges have brought tears to my eyes. Sharing this comment has changed my perspective on so many things I struggle with in my life. Mainly my guilt for the actions I have taken in my life and how they have affected others. I'll be making a call tonight to a family member I haven't spoken to in months. You have come so far and you are an inspiration to those facing the similar circumstances. Sharing these challenges will help others in different places in their addiction. Thank you so much for sharing.
    LilAnn and deanokat like this.
  18. LilAnn

    LilAnn Community Champion

    Whenever I come here it always amazes me how everyone here is so willing to help each other without question!
    deanokat likes this.
  19. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @LilAnn... I'm so glad you feel that way. We are here to help and support others. Hearing comments like yours makes me think we're doing just that. :)
    LilAnn likes this.
  20. Danp1016

    Danp1016 Member

    Thanks everyone for the comments and suggestions. It was good to get this all out. I hope anyone dealing with stuff like this got something out of it. It's true what they say we don't have to use again no matter what even when we want to.
    LilAnn and deanokat like this.