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The worst regret of my life

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by stronggallegos, Nov 27, 2015.

  1. I am here to share my story in hopes that it helps some one else in the same situation. In August my husband committed suicide and I found him. He shot himself in the head with a shotgun. He left a suicide note but I never got to tell him how much I love him and I did not understand the extent of our issues. We were together for almost 8 years and throughout this we had great times together but we were both addicted to prescription pain medication. We both did have chronic pain but we could have handled it without the pills. The relationship turned into more of a dependence on each other for medication. Of course there were times that we were able to get clean together but it never lasted. We fed each others addiction even though we were best friends and we loved each other very much, we did not take a step back to realize how we took each other for granted. My husband is a wonderful man with a very big heart and always supported me through anything in life but never expressed to me how much his addiction had caused really bad depression and it was too late before I could realize what happened. When I found him 3 days after my birthday with a gunshot to his head I was terrified and now I feel alone and lost everyday without him. I feel guilty and ashamed about what has happened and I feel like everything is my fault. Please hold onto your loved ones and realize the drugs are not worth it. The drugs do not make your life better they make your life horrible and in an instant you can lose everything. I miss my husband very dearly and I wish he was still here. There is not a minute in the day that I do not think of him. I wish I could take everything back and just hold him and tell him that we can get help. But now....I have list him and it is all due to pills. I am trying to be strong because I know he is still with me but it is not easy. Just remember the drugs are not worth losing everything.
  2. kgord

    kgord Community Champion

    I am so sorry this happened to you stronggallegos. God Bless! You don't need to take the responsibility for this at all. It was his selfish and cruel decision to take his own life and leave others to pick up the pieces. I understand being in pain though and sometimes suicide looks like the only alternative. You did everything you could do, and need to take yourself off the hook. Please get therapy for this, because the "what if" game can be very destructive.
    deanokat likes this.
  3. Dwayneu

    Dwayneu Community Champion

    Very sorry to hear about your husband. My condolences. Wow, it makes you remember how dangerous and serious this path can be. It sounds like your husband was a decent man, but with a problem that gripped him way too hard. Remember that it is absolutely not your fault, and you are in no way obliged to feel the heavy feeling that you are feeling right now, I am sure.
    Get help, join groups, be strong for him, that's what he'd probably want. Just hang in there!
    deanokat and MrsJones like this.
  4. artyarson

    artyarson Active Contributor

    Whatever happenes remember that you're not alone out there!
    deanokat likes this.
  5. xeylonfm

    xeylonfm Member

    As I am writing this post, I am seated on my bed while playing A NIGHT TO REMEMBER by JOE DEFFIE and I cannot imagine how your story turned out. Out of all the stories I have come across in this forum to date, yours has touched me very much, and I mean very much because I am an individual full of love for my partner. I am very sorry dear…very sorry indeed that drugs drove your beloved husband to suicide. If there is one thing I know however that time is a healer. It may take some time but you will surely heal. I admire you because you think of him despite the fact that you are trying to deal with the drug issue. That is pure love oozing from your heart. The fact that you still have a big heart for him communicates a very strong sentiment to me. I would do the same if it were me. Drugs are terrible but they shouldn’t be an abyss for those that engage in them. This community here has a lot of people with problems and many more who are here to offer comfort and solid hope. We believe in love, we believe in caring and minding for the other even though we are spread all over the world. We have a human spirit that cares and understands what can become of man through drugs. I encourage you to go ahead and be clean my dear. There will always be a way for you at the end of the tunnel. I pray you get clean and be soothed in the heart. We shall be here for you.
    deanokat and MrsJones like this.
  6. doatk22

    doatk22 Community Champion

    Wow, that is a horrible tragedy and I'm so very sorry you had to go through that. I do however admire you for sharing your story in hopes that other people will learn from it. That couldn't have been easy. Thank you and know you have an awesome support system right here online.
    deanokat likes this.
  7. queend17

    queend17 Active Contributor

    Oh my gosh... I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't even imagine the amount of... anything. I can't even fathom what that must be like... I don't even know what to say mostly, I'm not even sure if I should keep talking, I feel like if I keep going I'm might say really, really offensive...
  8. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    First off let me offer you my sincerest and deepest sympathy on the loss of your husband. My heart hurts for you and what you are going through. I am sorry that your husband felt that taking his own life was the only choice he had. He just reached his darkest of places and couldn't find his way out. That in no way was your fault. I hope through all of this there can be a positive, that you can get yourself clean. He would want that for you. He is in a better place now, free from his struggles and even through you can't physically see him, he is right there beside you cheering you on. We are all here for you. We will help you through this the best we can.
    deanokat likes this.
  9. irishrose

    irishrose Community Champion

    I am sorry for your loss. I cannot even begin to understand what losing your spouse must feel like. Thank you for sharing with others your story, even though it may be difficult, so that hopefully others will learn from your story and correct their behavior before it is too late.
    deanokat likes this.
  10. MrsJones

    MrsJones Community Listener Community Listener

    Hello, stronggalleos. Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry for your loss and send you my deepest sympathy. Thank you for sharing your story with us here. It definitely will be an eye opener for others.

    As some others have mentioned you should seek professional help if you are continuing to use. This is something that you did not mention in your story. We are concerned for your well being and in light of your loss we can only suspect that would be reason enough for you to continue your use to ease the emptiness and pain that you are feeling. If this is true, please be careful.
    deanokat likes this.
  11. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @stronggallegos... Welcome to the community and thanks for sharing with us. My deepest condolences to you on the loss of your husband. I can't imagine the pain you are feeling. Please know that we are here to help and support you any way we can, so don't hesitate to reach out whenever you need or want to. I think it's imperative that you seek out counseling to help you deal with this tragedy (if you haven't already). Practicing self-care should definitely be your number one priority. And that includes breaking free from the pain meds.

    I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Thanks again for sharing here. If your post helps just one person get clean, it will be so incredibly valuable.

    Wishing you peace and sending you hugs.
  12. Tremmie

    Tremmie Community Champion

    So sorry this happened to you, but I truly appreciate you had the strength to come here and tell us your story. I truly do. Wishing you the best and yes, I will follow your advice! Best of luck with everything!
  13. Shenwil

    Shenwil Senior Contributor

    I am so sorry to hear about your husband, I can't imagine how you must feel right now. Let it be a lesson to you though, I hope you are now recovered and living a more healthier lifstyle. I know you lost your husband but the good thing is that you still have life and can now share you story to help others.
  14. dyanmarie25

    dyanmarie25 Community Champion

    Hello there, @stronggallegos! Welcome to the forum, and thanks for sharing. I am really sorry to hear about your loss. That must have been really difficult and painful for you, but please don't blame yourself for what happened to him. Sometimes, there was nothing we can do to change someone else's mind. Just try to move forward in life. I would be praying for you.
  15. SashaS

    SashaS Community Champion

    I too, am sorry for your loss. It's one of the worst things imaginable to have somebody you love so much lose their life. My mother died when I was 17 due to drug abuse and I deeply regret not being there for her. I promised myself that I would never touch a drug or a single bit of alcohol. It's difficult with my family being who they are, smoking and drinking, but I have learned to cope. Your story is inspirational and I wish you all the best. It's not your fault and that is a mindset everyone should avoid. You still can live life to the fullest because it's never too late. Regards.
  16. Nancy D.

    Nancy D. Senior Contributor

    I am so sorry for your loss...and this should be a wake up call for anyone abusing any kind of substance and not taking the affects seriously. We should never take any of these things for granted and always support the people that need us the most. I pray that you get some peace from this situation and know you are not the blame. There is much healing to be done in your life and I pray you have a very strong support system in place. You will need to lean on them and maybe talk about what transpired to get a better understanding and things will become clearer with time. A drug addiction is a disease and it takes time to cure and to get over the emotional hurt. Be patient and optimistic.
  17. integrity101

    integrity101 Active Contributor

    Whatever you are going through, remember you are not alone. Always think of what he would have wanted you to be despite the addiction: a happy and successful lady. Work on keeping his dreams alive and everything will be alright. Remember it's never too late and you still have an entire lifetime waiting to be lived. We'll always be here for you 24/7. Cheers love.
  18. serenity

    serenity Community Champion

    I'm sorry to hear about your loss, it's quite tragic that it had to end that way. I guess the moral of the story is to not ignore the signs of addiction and to seek help once you know you are addicted to prevent incidents like these from happening. Hang in there and stay strong despite your loss. Just think that your husband is now in a better place.