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THIS ONE IS A BIT DIFFERENT THAN WHAT I USUALLY SHARE

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by True concern, Sep 24, 2018.

  1. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    So this is meant for everyone I have ever insulted,offended, judged or done wrong by in any way shape or form. For 35 years of my life I only had 2 active emotions "Hate and Anger "For those 35 years I did not understand why until one night coming off a meth binge I had nodded out and woke up with a murderous rage,a memory I had hurried so deep it controlled my every breath. With tears in my eyes I walked up to my wife and told her"I think I was molested when I was a young boy "To my surprise she said I know you have told me about 4 times over the past 15 years. I never remember telling her but the last time and I assume it's because I never allowed myself to not be hammered drunk,at this moment I had made up my mind I remembered his name and Google maps showed me where he lived,I pounded a six pack gave my wife a hug told her I loved her and to send me the divorce paperwork when I got to prison.As I headed for the door she jumped in front of me and said "You can't do this,you said you loved me and now your just gonna throw us all away"I never thought in a million years anyone could stop me from taking this man's life and then she hit me with that.I was going to tie his wife to a chair and make her watch me end his life because she knew what he was doing to use in that room and she allowed it to happen even telling me that yes he was telling the truth all little boy's go through that it's part of becoming a man and they didn't stop there they said don't tell your dad because he will be upset that he didn't have that moment with you for the first time...at 5 years old I believed it and he gave my dad a very rare expensive car a week later and I remember my dad didn't know why but I now know it made him feel like we were even,he gave my dad that fuckin× car as payment for what he had done to me.There are so many people who want to kill me I can't even honestly imagine the number and most of them find me in various ways typically through hacking but I am ok with that because I want them to see I am more than a hateful human being with massive amounts of porn data,I have watched all kinds of disgusting porn and no I am not proud of that but it is the truth,I was sober 7.5 month's and watched zero porn in that time frame but recently I had a short relapse and ya anyways no more dope or booze for me or porn, honestly I never really watched it I would just constantly fast forward it and we'll ya I want nothing to do with that lifestyle anymore. Anyways I know some people will read this and think it's all bullshit and from what they know of me considering how I was living I totally understand why they would think that.Some of you are probably wondering why I shared this and the only answer I can give is I have to release it to get beyond it.After that memory came back I started changing ,in my heart and soul. I finally understood where the hate and Anger came from and it's not easy but I am learning how to truly love other's, not for any specific reason other than I now have access to all my emotions I had it rough growing up and I'm not making excuses but again it's the truth,around the age of 7 I was being molded by certain family members to be a full blown racist at this time I was receiving letters from a family member who was in and out of prison for over 20 years and I don't think he thought what he was teaching me was wrong at the time he now understands,luckily the racism didn't stick in fact the best friend I've ever had is black and I am white,I really miss him but I believe my past actions and statements have probably changed how he feels about me and I pray I can one day see him again and apologize and give him a hug because in my heart he will always be my brother even if he does have a better than me lol.Since I'm on the topic of race let me offer my take on it "Skin color is the most irrelevant thing about any human being..period"If you have to hate someone simply because they are a different color than you my heart goes out to you because from personal experience myself something went wrong while you were being raised...and no I am not mocking you if you are one of these people. "Politics "Republican or Democrat "again it's irrelevant just try to remember they benefit from the division they cause and we collectively as a society pay with everything we've got including in some case's our lives.If you live in America you should be all of the same political party "American "there is no need to label political belief it fosters the same mentality as racism and it's my personal opinion we should all reject that notion and demand to only be known politically as such then we can eliminate the nonsense and vote for the best candidate instead of voting for their title,it's another division tactic and we can change it if we stand together, have you ever heard this?"Together we stand divided we fall"It's true and that's the agenda they are truly pushing...Division.I know this isn't Facebook so thanks for bearing with me.
    deanokat likes this.
  2. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @True concern hey there. thank you for sharing part of your life journey with us.... getting it out can be therapeutic!

    it's no wonder you carried anger and rage for so many years... what happened to you was awful...you lost a part of you going through that experience...your very sense of being was violated, and that's not alright... BUT... you have now begun to face all of that... to learn how to process and begin to heal from it. it takes time, and though you relapsed, you got back on your feet to begin again...

    remember, recovery is not a straight line... it zig-zagging and up and down... but keep putting one foot in front of the other!

    i used to feel angry....i would rather feel angry and feel in control than to face the fear and become vulnerable.... easier to feel anger than fear.... and easier to feel controlling than vulnerable. but to begin healing, i had to ask God to help me open up... open my heart, let the hurt out... face the pain despite the fear, become vulnerable with SAFE people....and then i could begin to heal.... and sounds like you are on this journey too.

    doesn't matter what others think. stay true to you...to your personal higher power... keep learning to love YOU, arthur... b/c you are worthy. you may have been dealt a shitty childhood...and things that happened to you were not ok.... but you can (and are) reclaiming those parts of you that have been chipped away over the years... and that is inspiring.. and that's part of the HERO'S JOURNEY....

    know that we are always here. we believe in YOU... sending big love your way.
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  3. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @True concern
    Arthur... I love you, my brother. And I'm so sorry you had to experience what you did as a child. But I'm also glad you didn't do something drastic, because that would've ruined the rest of your life forever.

    I understand your "hate and anger" phase, because I think my oldest son, who is 28, is in a similar place. It's so hard to see him struggle and I wish there was some way I could fix him. But I can't. He has to work on that himself.

    I'm proud of you for sharing this part of your past with us. Yeah, this isn't Facebook; but it's a place for people who are struggling and hurting to find support for the recovery process they're going through. So you are welcome to share here anytime. I'm hoping that sharing that with us was cathartic for you. I'm hoping that you feel like a giant weight has been lifted off of your shoulders. And I'm hoping that you keep doing the next right thing.

    Thanks again for sharing with us. And for being a part of this community. The world is a better place with you in it, my friend. :)
    True concern and Dominica like this.
  4. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    You know sharing this wasn't easy,for more reasons than one,obviously the incident itself changed the course of my life and then there is the the other thing that made it hard to share which is no matter how sincere a person is there is always someone or someone's who only seek to learn about a person for very cynical and evil reasons,I know that sounds like some pure paranoia talking but I assure you with everything I share to try and release and move forward there are people furthering their goal which is pure evil but I can't elaborate even though it makes me sound completely crazy.Why do I share my faults knowing this is happening?Well honestly it's because I truly feel guilt,shame,remorse.I couldn't for the longest time figure out how people can pick up after doing something they feel terrible for and move on like it never happened and then one day I realized most people will always make a decision that serves their best interest even at the expense of a nother,most can honestly in on that inner selfishness and put themselves above all else and then there are those who truly struggle trying to figure out how to make amends even with people who would never in a million years expect a person to at the very least apologize even maybe 20+year's down the road and I happen to be a person who wants to make amends even with those who would never expect it because for some reason through all the bullshit I've done and said over the year's I still feel bad for thing's most people could just shake off.Im strongly considering checking into a rehab after my knee surgery, I don't intend on drinking or doing drug again but I didn't intend on throwing away 7.5 month's sober time either but I definitely have a family member who loves to see me fail and he wouldn't help us move until I gave in for extra energy to be able to move and the instant he saw me give in he jumped right up to finish the move and be the hero in the end and remind everyone I had failed,we'll in his mind I failed but I still am focused on reclaiming my life through sobriety and with the help of the Lord and I will make it as long as I'm alive to get pushing forward.Stay Strong and thank you all for your support.I will be taking my life more serious on a personal level from here on out because even though I help my I'll parents my mom always has and always will pick her brother over her son even though he is on meth 100% of the time and thrives on making it harder for me to remain sober by continuing to bring dope into our home.If he's awake he's high,literally the only human I have ever met that refuses to wake up if he doesn't have dope I'm taking sleep3 week's straight and do nothing but dope or sleep so I may have to leave my mom knowing she may die on any given day or night if I'm not here to help her because she still picks him even though he could care less if she lived or died and that knowledge makes me feel very sad.God bless you all
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  5. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @True concern

    Good morning. It sounds like you are doing some serious inner reflection and I think that is a good thing. If you feel that going to rehab after your surgery would help you, I certainly support that. I'm not sure if you're able to see a therapist at the moment, but that might be helpful as well to sort through these many feelings.

    I think that there are always people out there who are out for their own interest, and we can do our best to avoid these people or limit our time with them. I hope your uncle can find elsewhere to live! Or get clean... Or how about both!!

    I'm super proud of you for continuing to work on yourself and for being so compassionate toward others. You truly do have a repentant heart for the things you've done in the past that have hurt others, and that does count for something. I hope you have a wonderful day!
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  6. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @True concern... I echo everything that @Dominica said. Definitely consider going to rehab after your surgery if you think it will keep you on the right path. What I really wish is that I could figure out a way to get your uncle out of your house. I don't think his presence is a good thing. If he wants to continue to use meth, that's his issue. But he doesn't have the right to bring it into your home.

    I pray for you every day, my brother. I want nothing but good things to come your way. Please know that we love you and care about you. A lot.
    True concern likes this.
  7. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    You know what?You 2 people are the only positive reinforcement I have in my life,there is literally not a single human being I cross paths with that ever has anything nice to say and I will be completely honest I understand you both could be playing a role at a job or something, I chose not to believe that and I won't say names but other's I consider friends on this site have tried to nudge conversation in a negative way against you both,and questioned me about your sincerity and for a minute I almost caved and started thinking back on every conversation we have ever had and caught myself trying to find something fake about you both(Trust issue's a.k.a.recovering addict)but I stopped because I can't survive thinking the entire world is after me,I struggle with that enough already but I know some of that is a reflection of myself on myself(Shame-Guilt)I've read the disclaimer and I know that even though this is it's own site Google holds the key's to all our data that passes through here,here's something that just racks my brain in Google's new terms of acceptance which I also have read,though it's very long one of the new current terms of use is you must accept and give permission for Google to (MANIPULATE)your data as they ever so choose, now I'm a recovering addict but I'm not an idiot and manipulation never serves the better interest of the person being manipulated so why is this something they are doing?I fear it's going to be bad whatever it is and even though you can buy a cell phone from many places I bet you can't find one without a Google interface because they have monopolized the industry and between them and Facebook they both probably now more on society than the NSA considering they are global entities not just national so what's a person to do when it feels the damage has already been done and you feel pre judged without ever stepping into a court room?You know there is a movie called "Too big to fail"It's about the banking system bailout I believe around 2008-2009 by the government I've been waiting for a movie called "Too big to control"which I think would be about Google and Facebook but that's just something I would expect to see I have not heard of such a movie.Anyways ya I think a lot and I think very deep and often times I overwhelm myself but I give serious thought to thing's not just a quick thought.The other day I was telling my mom I can notice the bond in society between parents and kids becoming weaker and weaker and she said how so?This is just how I see it.In the 80's and prior we didn't have these smartphones and as little children sometimes we would cry for hours none stop and it was up to our parent's to try and try sometimes for hour's to figure out what we needed or wanted and when mom would finally figure it out as children we thought they were superhuman and the emotional connection got stronger and stronger after each episode and just my own observation now with technology almost every 2 year old I see crying quickly the parent hands them a smartphone and more time's than not that works the child stops crying,but I think it's creating a sense of (Instant gratification)that will only get more intense as they grow up and it weakens the bond between parents and children because by 4-5 year's old the child is typically more content with the phone than the parent.....This bothers me and I hate to see it.Many people have strong opposition opinions on gun control,and I get it I understand why,but isn't plausible that these school shootings have more to do with the lack of parent child "Human"interaction versus child only interacts via social media or online gaming almost completely cutting out the growth of humanity by personally interacting with humanity,like human to human conversation and skill building?A lot of serious topics flow through my mind and usually I don't share them because I don't want to sound any "crazier"than I do at time's but I assure you I'm not crazy,I just care how these thing's effect us as human's not just myself personally. I know I've been all over the place the past few day's and I suspect there will be more to come because my intentions are good even though at time's my methods have been flawed.Stay Strong and God Bless you All.Thanks for allowing me to share I try to avoid Facecrook at all cost,I have used it but I really try to avoid that cesspool of corruption they are running. TAKE CARE
    Dominica likes this.
  8. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @True concern... I get how some people could question the sincerity of me and @Dominica. But I assure you, we are real humans who really care. I've been through hell and back with my son and his severe depression and addiction issues. Since he attempted suicide at age 15, my wife and I have been on a (pretty much) non-stop roller coaster ride. Not long after that ride started, I decided I wanted to help other people who were going through similar things. It was the old "If I can help one person..." thing. I always say, I didn't choose this work...it chose me. So others can question whether or not I'm legit, or if I really care, or if everything I say on this forum is just a bunch of bullshit. I know it's not. And I hope you know that, too.

    And if anyone hasn't visited my blog, here's the link:

    My Life as 3D

    I haven't written much on there lately, but folks can go back to the early posts starting in 2009 and see what kind of stuff I was dealing with. Being the parent of an addict--especially one who struggles with severe depression, too--is no joke.

    Here's one more thing I wrote back in 2014 for a site called To Write Love on Her Arms (TWLOHA). TWLOHA is a nonprofit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide. (Note: This piece was written when my son had 20 months of clean time under his belt.)

    What I Learned Through My Son's Addiction

    Yes, I'm a real human who has gone through--and continues to go through--real struggles. But I want to help others, too.

    Keep working on yourself, Arthur. And know that Dominica and I are here for you anytime you need us.
    True concern and Dominica like this.
  9. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @True concern hey there. i understand your concern and you desire authentic people in your life that truly care for you... i assure you that dean and i both care... and while i am a moderator of this forum, i am also a caring individual with a big heart to see people get free from emotional pain and addiction... thus, the reason i reach out via private message at times... not that i have to, but b/c i want to.... :)

    my mind has raced before with many thoughts about life...and the horrifics of life... and i find that daily meditation (ok, almost daily...sometimes i don't) helps me calm my mind down. i can't save the world and it's not my job to... but i can make a difference in people's lives one by one in a variety of ways... and so can you (and we are, by the way)

    i am not religious... but i am reminded of a story from Jesus about forgiveness. In Luke 7, Jesus was eating with a wealthy man and a woman came to wash his feet with her tears, hair, and a jar full of good smelling perfume... And the people at the table, I presume with all their judgments, said, "Oh wow. Jesus is letting THIS woman do this to him? Doesn't he know WHO she is?"

    Because obviously, she wasn't operating from some holy, clean slate....

    And yet, Jesus did know and he shared his spiritual truth with those eating with him...

    He says, Those forgiven much, LOVE MUCH...

    So, yeah... I'm like that woman...forgiven much, and loving much. And, I see it as you are too...

    Keep forgiving. Keep loving...(yourself and others) Keep expanding... Keep growing... Keep awakening...
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  10. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @deanokat truly a pleasure and gift to share and encourage others beside you.
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  11. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    Your a wonderful person @Dominica and I truly believe that or I wouldn't show my vulnerability to you.They tried to convince me otherwise....key word Tried
    Dominica likes this.
  12. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    @deanokat believe me I can tell fairly well who is sincere and who is not and I believe you to be as sincere as they come as I do @Dominica ,I told you both that because I don't want to carry a "what if"thought in my mind,which is also why I shared some other concerns that go off topic.I will ask for your blog info at a later date when and if I'm ever able to get a phone I can keep from being hacked.I don't know for sure as I can't prove it but when that relative was in jail all my accts stayed secured but though he will deny to the death whenever he is around my phone's start receiving threatening messages and often time's graffic death threats the part I can't figure out is he is one man often time's running up to six device's at once but when thing's start happening it's typically a group of about 30-40 different accts all leaving subtle threats like it's a game of torture they enjoy, so I have no peace in life as my parent's are bad off and my brother disabled and a 7 year old sister so outside-inside-everywhere always my head is on a swivel,I have to constantly be aware of what's going on,who's where,who is around who I've never seen before....it's absolutely exhausting but I must do my best to keep their lives innocent and carefree so they don't have to know this he'll I live,I try not to tell them about how I live to keep them safe because that would taint the joy of life they still get to enjoy but quietly I always know how long a car has been behind us,how many lane changes the car behind us makes exactly as we make them....things like this and more but it's the only way I can know how much time I have if thing's go south.I know recently the thing's I've shared sound like pure paranoid delusion and I wish it was that simple but I have several time's been blocked in with my family in the car and had men get out and approach the vehicle and had to go on the wrong side of the road to get away and everytime,twice it's happened my mom says "what the he'll was that?"I always end it without adding panic to her "ah mom I think their just drunk"This kin of life is draining and I feel like I'm in a war zone most time's anyways so I pray I get into the military so I can at least make a living with my head on a swivel.Anyways I love you both I consider you bright light's in my dim life
    deanokat likes this.
  13. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @True concern bless your heart... you are carrying a lot.. but know we are here to uphold you in prayer and in our thoughts along the journey. :) sending so much love your way.
    True concern likes this.
  14. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    Love you back, @True concern!! :) (I wish there was a damn heart emoji!!!)
    Dominica and True concern like this.