I'm totally new here,just joined. I sat here on this Father's Day-ALONE...praying, talking aloud, crying(long n hard). Why? No answer. After all, this is the day for the dads, mothers had their day last month. I had no reasons for celebration at that time either. I looked up and wished my dad a HFD and spoke a few words to my mom also along with all other family and people who are looking down from heaven.i don't know what directed me to pick up my IPAD but I started searching for nothing in particular, then the word HELP caught my eye so I clicked and was led here. One night a few years ago I was cooling out with a friend and as the night wore on, I was tricked into snorting H after doing coke. After that single night I NEVER EVER wanted the cocaine, I only wanted the BEIGE-LOOKING stuff. So I indulged and feasted more and more. I have IDDM, broke without a cent, and can't get insulin yet I somehow manage to scrape up 10-20 bucks daily to get my fix. Fast forward to nearly four years later... I have always been an out-going, life-of-the-party,magnetic personality type of person who will give their very last and feed strangers. I haven't burned any bridges or have bad blood with anyone yet still can't go to anyone to get fed. Can't eat means can't take insulin. Now I'm this re Lise. Get my goodies and retreat to my room where the curtains are ALWAYS drawn and get my angled straw so I can sniff up my goodies. Then I may make or take a call and gab away.then and only then will I conversate. Under ABSOLUTELY NO circumstance will I engage or entertain a conversation sober. I can't look in a mirror at all because there is no way I can face what I've turned into. How did I get here? I read on here somewhere that this is not a battle that you can face alone. There's no family, friend, relative, or supporter that I con confer with, talk to, confess to, vent to, nor share my deep dark lil secret. Am I wearing it or disguising it well? Maybe when I'm clean I can then disclose my awful truth. I was a very well-rounded, intellectual, constantly educating and learning individual. Now I'm just a deplorable, disgusting, and disgraced being. I want to someday say, " I've been there, but I got through it." I don't want to go back and forth. It's no longer fun, I get nothing out of it, it's not enjoyable, I'm using now to avoid the excruciating WD. I believe I tapered from $100 a day to about $10-20. I don't know if that's good or bad because it's still a daily fight. I want this cycle to end. Can I do it alone. God PLEEEEEEEASE give me the strength, I BEG and PLEAD. I want to be of help and go out helping and feeding and clothing the homeless and down on their luck citizens. I can't in this state I'm in. My mom and dad and others are looking down on me and probably just shaking their heads in disbelief. I was the strong one. Yet I've become weaker than a newborn preemie. I need help.i want to get back on my feet. I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't want the suicidal contemplations controlling my thoughts. I wana feel love and encouragement but how I acquire these without family, friends, and/supporters? I have NOBODY. Strangers can't care about someone they don't know. Here I am putting my deep dark secret on a platform for God knows who to see and read. At this point I'm on the edge and ready to leap.