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Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Searching4strength, Jun 17, 2018.

  1. I'm totally new here,just joined. I sat here on this Father's Day-ALONE...praying, talking aloud, crying(long n hard). Why? No answer. After all, this is the day for the dads, mothers had their day last month. I had no reasons for celebration at that time either. I looked up and wished my dad a HFD and spoke a few words to my mom also along with all other family and people who are looking down from heaven.i don't know what directed me to pick up my IPAD but I started searching for nothing in particular, then the word HELP caught my eye so I clicked and was led here. One night a few years ago I was cooling out with a friend and as the night wore on, I was tricked into snorting H after doing coke. After that single night I NEVER EVER wanted the cocaine, I only wanted the BEIGE-LOOKING stuff. So I indulged and feasted more and more. I have IDDM, broke without a cent, and can't get insulin yet I somehow manage to scrape up 10-20 bucks daily to get my fix. Fast forward to nearly four years later... I have always been an out-going, life-of-the-party,magnetic personality type of person who will give their very last and feed strangers. I haven't burned any bridges or have bad blood with anyone yet still can't go to anyone to get fed. Can't eat means can't take insulin. Now I'm this re Lise. Get my goodies and retreat to my room where the curtains are ALWAYS drawn and get my angled straw so I can sniff up my goodies. Then I may make or take a call and gab away.then and only then will I conversate. Under ABSOLUTELY NO circumstance will I engage or entertain a conversation sober. I can't look in a mirror at all because there is no way I can face what I've turned into. How did I get here? I read on here somewhere that this is not a battle that you can face alone. There's no family, friend, relative, or supporter that I con confer with, talk to, confess to, vent to, nor share my deep dark lil secret. Am I wearing it or disguising it well? Maybe when I'm clean I can then disclose my awful truth. I was a very well-rounded, intellectual, constantly educating and learning individual. Now I'm just a deplorable, disgusting, and disgraced being. I want to someday say, " I've been there, but I got through it." I don't want to go back and forth. It's no longer fun, I get nothing out of it, it's not enjoyable, I'm using now to avoid the excruciating WD. I believe I tapered from $100 a day to about $10-20. I don't know if that's good or bad because it's still a daily fight. I want this cycle to end. Can I do it alone. God PLEEEEEEEASE give me the strength, I BEG and PLEAD. I want to be of help and go out helping and feeding and clothing the homeless and down on their luck citizens. I can't in this state I'm in. My mom and dad and others are looking down on me and probably just shaking their heads in disbelief. I was the strong one. Yet I've become weaker than a newborn preemie. I need help.i want to get back on my feet. I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't want the suicidal contemplations controlling my thoughts. I wana feel love and encouragement but how I acquire these without family, friends, and/supporters? I have NOBODY. Strangers can't care about someone they don't know. Here I am putting my deep dark secret on a platform for God knows who to see and read. At this point I'm on the edge and ready to leap.
  2. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    You are not alone,i lost everything my wife,kids,trust,everything i to didn't hear from my kid's today...nothing they probably don't even realize it's father's day.I'm jumping to your other post
    deanokat likes this.
  3. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Searching4strength you got caught up in the disease of addiction... your brain has gone wild and feels like it will literally die without more... of your drug of choice...

    do whatever it takes to reach out for PROFESSIONAL help. there are various recovery paths, try one, try them all, but do something. chances are you're not going to overcome this by yourself sitting at home... so please figure out what kind of help you'll reach out for.... rehab, counselor, support groups, etc. i always recommend therapy... underneath that addiction are issues that are begging you to deal with.

    there's hope. you don't have to stay stuck where you are...and underneath that addiction YOU ARE SOMEBODY...with a beautiful soul... remember who you REALLY are.

    here if you need.
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  4. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    Welcome to the community, @Searching4strength. I'm sorry that you're struggling so bad with your addiction. Just remember: You are not a bad person; you are a sick person. And you can get well again. If you truly want to change, and are willing to commit to that goal and work hard to achieve it, you can do it. Will it be easy? Hell, no. But I know you can do it.

    @Dominica has suggested some great things to you, so consider trying them. It's okay to not be okay. And it's okay to ask for help. You are not alone, my friend. Addiction is a disease that affects millions and millions of people.

    We are here for you. To offer help, support, advice, or just a listening ear. So please come back and lean on us anytime you feel the need. You do not have to do this on your own. There is plenty of help out there for you. You say you are on the edge and ready to leap. But instead of taking that leap, how 'bout taking a step, no matter how small, in the direction of recovery? I think that's the better route for you to go.

    Sending you positive juju, hope, and encouragement.
    lonewolves and True concern like this.
  5. lonewolves

    lonewolves Community Champion

    Hi @Searching4strength,
    I hope you are doing okay. I know it’s cliché to say that you are never alone, but I please understand that it is true.
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  6. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    @Searching4strength i do hope you are still counting as of Wednesday you had 10 day's sober so today would be 12 and by Sunday it will be 2 week's.I'm very proud of you and don't ever want you to get discouraged,If we fall we stand up dust ourselves off and push forward.What i'm saying is if you"messed up"don't get down on yourself as we all have fallen down before ourselves,but if that does happen we in this community all have our hands extended to help you back to your feet.Stay Strong and God Bless
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  7. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    Hey, @Searching4strength... Thinking of you today. If you get a chance, stop by and let us know how you're doing. We truly care.
    lonewolves and True concern like this.