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Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by onmyown, Sep 10, 2017.

  1. onmyown

    onmyown Member

    I just celebrated my 1 year wedding anniversary. The week before my anniversary, my father passed away, the next day my husband's mother suffered a stroke. That same day, we found a beautiful home to rent (without requiring a background check or credit check on my husband.) It appears, all or some of these events caused my husband to relapse after 4 years of sobriety, however, according to his daughter, she has been seeing signs since June. I have never in my life dealt with anyone who had any kind of addiction. In all fairness, I married him knowing he was a recovering meth addict, a felon, and was physically abusive with me before we married. I thought he had anger issues that would resolve once he saw my love for him. I'm an idiot.......

    Well, I am committed for the long haul. I will not leave him in his time of need. In my opinion, and, biblically, "love does not give up". It seems his family is in denial, but, it also feels like they gave up on him a long time ago. I guess my question is, what are the results of meth use in the eyes.....When I saw him this past week, his eyes were milky white, he had lost a good 15lbs. He was exhausted, and his face was sunken in. It all made sense except the eyes.......Any input?
    Last edited: Sep 10, 2017
  2. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @onmyown... You're not an idiot. You're a human being who was maybe blinded a little bit by your strong love for someone. So don't beat yourself up over any decisions you've made, okay?

    I think you'd really benefit from reading what I think is the best book ever written for partners/parents of people struggling with addiction. It's called Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change and it's full of incredibly helpful information. I talk about the book a bit more in a blog I wrote a while back:

    6 Essential Books for Those with an Addicted Loved One

    Loving someone who battles addiction is one of the most challenging things a human being can do, as you no doubt have already learned. Just remember what Al-Anon and Nar-Anon teach: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Only your husband can make the decisions necessary to change his life. You can support him if he decides to do that, but beyond that it's sort of out of your control.

    I'm sending you and your husband lots of positive vibes. Please remember to take good care of yourself, okay? Self-care is soooo important while you're dealing with an addicted loved one.

    Love and light to you.
    MollyB likes this.
  3. onmyown

    onmyown Member

    Thank you for the book referral. I finally heard from him on Monday, and, he stated he was sorry, and, that he loves me and needs me, but, then he disappeared, and, I have heard nothing since. I decided I need to send him positive messages, and then, go on with my day vs. waiting for him to respond. I also decided to start volunteering at a drug rehab facility here. I think immersion is the best way to learn about this awful disease. I'm doing what you suggested, and, putting my daughter and I first. Thank you sooooo much.
    deanokat likes this.
  4. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    You are very welcome, @onmyown. I'm glad you're going to put you and your daughter first. So many people think putting themselves first is selfish; but it's not. It's absolutely necessary. If you put all your energy into dealing with your loved one's issues, then you become addicted to their addiction and everyone suffers. Your physical/mental health is so important. So is your daughter's.

    Sending you tons more positive energy.
  5. onmyown

    onmyown Member

    Update: My husband has been texting stating he is done with that life, and, that he wants a life with me. In researching addictive behavior, I have reviewed his bank account, and, he is out of money. What are the chances he is being manipulative? I would love to give him the benefit of the doubt, but, again, I need to love him from a distance. I spoke to his employer, and, if he's willing to admit he has a problem, they are willing to put him through a rehab program, and, he can keep his job. His employer even offered the program if he does not admit, and tests positive. My husband does not know that I've been in contact with his employer, and, I do not know how to present it to him. Any ideas?
  6. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @onmyown... Based on my past experiences with my son and other addicts, I'd say the odds are pretty good that your husband is trying to manipulate you. I think the best thing for everyone--especially him--would be for him to take his employer up on their offer. That is a very generous offer and one that could really change your husband's life for the better. If you felt comfortable doing it, I would suggest arranging a meeting with your husband and presenting him with the offer. Do it with love and compassion, not anger or confrontation. Tell him you care. Tell him you think this is the best thing for him. And tell him that you will not enable him by taking him back if he doesn't seek help. That's what I would do. Of course, that decision is ultimately yours. (If you're not comfortable meeting with him alone to present the offer to him, consider having someone else join you. Like another family member, relative, good friend, etc.)

    I will keep good thoughts for you and your husband. I hope he realizes that this could be life-changing for him.