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Truths and lies

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Doigiveup, Dec 17, 2018.

  1. Doigiveup

    Doigiveup Member

    so I’ve been dealing with my wife’s alcoholism, anxiety and depression for years, and it only seems to keep getting worse. She is now meeting up with people who she barley knows and winds starting her evenings some nights at 9:00 pm, going out and leaving me and our 4 kids at home. There have been some questionable things happen that I am not sure if she is being completely honest about. I keep being told that “lying and denial” go hand in hand with addiction. She keeps saying she has things under control, and I have not been able to convince her to get help. Any suggestions on how to convince her and how to have her open up about things.
  2. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Doigiveup... Welcome to the community. I'm very sorry to hear about your wife's issues with alcohol. Loving someone who struggles with addiction is an incredible challenge, and it sounds like your situation is even tougher because you have 4 kids. Unfortunately, you can't make your wife stop drinking. As they teach us in Al-Anon: We didn't cause our loved one's addiction, we can't control it, and we can't cure it. Your wife has to be the one to take the steps necessary to get sober.

    There is a very good book out there called Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change. It's written specifically for partners and parents of people with addiction issues and it's full of very helpful information. You may want to pick up a copy and read it. There's also a companion workbook for the book. It's called The 20 Minute Guide and it can be accessed online at this link:

    You need to focus on taking good care of yourself and your kids for the time being. And if your wife continues to drink and doesn't show any desire to stop, you may have to make some tough decisions. I don't know how old your kids are, but your wife's behavior is not a good example for them. It's also not fair to you.

    If you get a chance, consider checking out an Al-Anon meeting. They have both in-person and online meetings, and they can be super helpful and comforting. Talking amongst others who know exactly what you're going through and feeling can be a valuable experience.

    Also, please know that we are here to help, support, and listen. You are not alone, my friend. So feel free to come here and lean on us anytime you feel the need. Even if it's just to vent, we are here for you.

    I'm sending you lots of hope. And I will say a prayer for your wife, too.
    Dominica likes this.
  3. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @Doigiveup hello and welcome. so sorry you're having to go through this.... dean has given some great advice. i'll add that if you're able to see a counselor... you can do that too. i know it's your wife that seems to have the problem...but her behavior can cause your life to become chaotic. and confused. so having a therapist to process things with can be helpful.

    i think that book and link can help you too. we know you don't want to leave your wife.... but you do desire a house that is calm...and a mother/wife that is present. learning to set some firm boundaries can help... and just sitting with her and having a loving conversation about what's going on. al-anon has helped so many spouses learn how to navigate the tricky path of loving an alcoholic or problem drinker...

    does this help?
    deanokat likes this.