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Discussion in 'General Substance Abuse Discussion' started by Adrianna, Jan 3, 2016.

  1. Adrianna

    Adrianna Community Champion

    Well we know people with drug addiction can have ulterior motives for things that they do or say. Kind of just goes with the territory.
    But someone looking for kindness and honesty amongst the erratic behaviors of addiction being seen as an ulterior motive. Well if that's the way you see it, then so be it. People with addiction generally hang themselves with the dishonesty and negative behavior, making it obvious or unpleasant. I think if you are going to sit there and wonder why someone wants to help another with addiction. Thinking they have ulterior motives. Perhaps you should ask the question of yourself first. Cause if there is something wrong with bettering the life of another, seeking kindness in others whom you gave it to all along. Ok, i guess.

    Seeking a better life for yourself and those around you. Its a good ulterior motive. Because that miserable and dishonest person might just break free from something that is gripping them. Something that's killing them, slowly. Put a smile on their face and see them feel good about themselves.
  2. kassie1234

    kassie1234 Community Champion

    I would say every human being sometimes has ulterior motives with what they do or say, not just addicts! I've known plenty of non-addicts who have said one thing and done another, or done things for their own gain not caring who they hurt in the process. I think that with everyone it's important to be kind. Not naïve, but kind. We never know all the battles someone is facing and what's causing them to act the way they do - being nice is important!
  3. Adrianna

    Adrianna Community Champion

    Yeah plenty of people go around only thinking one dimensionally. What I find stupid is how some people seem to want to not take in consideration what someone has been though or is going through. Only seeking to hurt them for their own satisfaction. But yes it is better to be kind to people. They don't always know what the kind thing to do is because not too many have been kind to them.
    The naive, well wisdom doesn't grow on a tree. Kindness is pretty easy if one tries. Innocence is certainly an admirable trait and that would be the naive. The life of a mensch is not an easy one. But yes some people in general are not completely aware of their own intentions much less what they are doing or saying. I think they call this mixed up or confused.
  4. Tsky45

    Tsky45 Community Champion

    You can usually tell what someones motive is based on there actions. Everything that's in someone will usually come out. Some people have good intentions and only mean well but you'll know it in the end. You have to judge a tree by the fruit it bears.
  5. Scooby Snack

    Scooby Snack Community Champion

    I always say that it's more important to listen to someone's actions than their words.
  6. Jasmine2015

    Jasmine2015 Community Champion

    That us very true. I have learned to watch a person's actions over words and if things don't match up then something isn't right. I have met plenty of people who act like their life is so glamorous but one look is all it takes to see that their life is not glamorous at all. It's like they are wearing the emperor's clothes!
  7. Adrianna

    Adrianna Community Champion

    Well that is an old saying. I'm finding that there is more to "saying's" than this. Reading between the lines. Personally I find it best to put the words, the actions, and general feel together. I think it is all in how something is said and the actions together.
    I mean if you go back and recount something someone said and how you understood it at that time. This can be very different. I'm thinking of someone saying to me "I don't take someone seriously unless they live with me." I didn't react very well to the statement. Now if he had said something like, "I really enjoy your company. I love spending time with you. I see us having a future together." Describing perhaps. "I would like to have you here all the time. Would you think about moving in here with me? Because I would really love for us to be together."
    Big difference. Totally different subject than drug abuse but my point is that the phrase of actions speck louder than words is a form of brain washing for people to make them think one way and act a certain way, without really getting to the heart of things.
    Here's another example. Here is the reverse of actions speak louder than words. This guy is loosing his girlfriend, she doesn't want to be with him any longer. She broke up with him. Now he did all of these nice things for her. But was always saying things to offend her. Loved making her angry and listen to her complain.
    After she broke up with him he talked her into going out to dinner. See doing nice things. He talks to her on the phone the next night and says, very angry, "you are going to move in here and we are getting engaged!!" Nasty demanding tone.
    Actions speak louder than words huh? Not always. A demanding threat marriage proposal. Hmmm not very romantic. You have to put it all together because actions don't always speak louder than words. Kind deeds and actions don't always mean good intentions. Vice versa as well. You've got to put it all together to really understand a person. It also helps to really think about something that you are going to say that is important, how you say it, what you say, and so forth. Backed up with the actions.
  8. DancingLady

    DancingLady Community Champion

    I think we all have more than one motive in play at any given time. Humans are complex, the mind is incredible. We may have a primary motive, such as helping someone we love, but at any given moment other motives like how this makes us feel, how someone's addiction is impacting our life and many other things can be part of it.

    When I think of an ulterior motive though, I am usually thinking of something negative, like someone appearing to have good intentions but actually just manipulating the situation to get what they want, which may not be good for the others.
  9. Coolkidhere

    Coolkidhere Community Champion

    Sometimes, an ulterior motive might be good or bad. For instance, a nosy friend asking about your relationship might have an ulterior motive. Maybe she's just concerned about whether your relationship is making you miserable because your other half is always drunk and high. Or an ulterior motive may also be bad, like when your boyfriend tells you that you can't talk to other men. Maybe his ulterior motive is to keep you from getting out of that toxic relationship.

    So really, it's up to you to determine what the ulterior motive of that person is. The thing is, you can sure determine that just by observing and being vigilant. People around you may have bad or good ulterior motives and you just need to find out which of them is one or the other.
  10. Ally

    Ally Member

    Ugh... it's so frustrating when someone you love is an addict. Frustrating is putting it lightly... they will say and do things in their addicted state that they would never do if they were clean and sober. Things that hurt the people they love. We have to remember that our addicts are not thinking rationally. They are probably suffering inside and want to lash out at someone. I'm sorry someone took your kindness and love for something ugly with ulterior motives.
  11. Adrianna

    Adrianna Community Champion

    Yes the phrase does have some negativity attached to it. Sometimes people have intentions or motives that they aren't even aware of themselves until someone points it out to them. Being aware of all of one's actions, intentions, and words all at the same time is key.
  12. Adrianna

    Adrianna Community Champion

    Personally I don't agree with even having any ulterior motives. Being straight forward and honest is better. It is by far a happier way to live one's life. Its like if that's the case just say "I'm so concerned about your situation. This is what's happening and don't you think something needs to be done about it." Why waste time beating around the bush without the real ability of communication. People act so shady sometimes. Guessing games are stupid. Its by far easier to just cut to the chase. Sarcasm is not always appropriate and people have different reasons for it. Let's say a guy is being physically abusive to a woman. Instead of beating your head up against the wall trying to get her away from him cause it is complex. Just ask, "how's OJ doing?"
  13. Adrianna

    Adrianna Community Champion

    Isn't that the truth. Rationality and addiction are further from each other than the earth to the moon. Lol Even with prescription drugs. This addiction is even worse because they have some doctor backing their addiction. Well, it just boils down to intelligence. They aren't smart enough to dig deeper into the truth. They'd rather agree with the statement "you'll need this for the rest of your life." People buy that statement hook line and sinker.
    People are the same way under the influence of prescription drugs. Steroids, psychotropics, or whatever. Rationality, yeah, it all boils down to intelligence.
  14. Tremmie

    Tremmie Community Champion

    I think we all have ulterior motives... I definitely do, I seem to be doing something right now for a reason that everyone else think it's very clear, but in fact is not what they are thinking at all. Honestly I no longer care what they thin about me though. We are all humans and tend to do and say things that sometimes seem to be kind of contradictory.
  15. serenity

    serenity Community Champion

    Yes, it is true that actions speak louder than words, so people should always be observant and not take everything that's said as is.
  16. deewanna

    deewanna Senior Contributor

    Human beings are naturally selfish. And yes, it goes with the territory. We all have an underlying motive for everything or atleast most of the things we do. Except we just want to decieve ourselves. So, it is not pecuilar to addicts alone.
  17. Adrianna

    Adrianna Community Champion

    Well yes, I certainly wasn't saying it is only addicts. But considering it does seem as if it makes it worse. You said "human beings are naturally selfish". This is a fairly complex subject. Recently I've come to understand it much better. I'm more on the side of thinking of another and not being selfish, so I can't really agree with that. Environment plays into that and the kind of people you are around. Perhaps those that are selfish can't imagine anyone being any other way and think all are this way. I do think some are more selfish than others and myself I have a limit to the amount of selflessness I can dish out. You can only be selfless for so long when you see there is no appreciation. So one must draw the line. I have and have had certain people in my life that I do for them selflessly but then there are those that reap the other. What I see is that they completely bring it on themselves. They might even say that I am completely selfish, Lol, but, from my point of view they wanted it by being selfish with me. Those that still benefit from generosity and so forth are in fact, selfless people themselves. They are really, looking for nothing in return and think of others.
  18. pwarbi

    pwarbi Community Champion

    It my opinion, these days people are always wary of others who try to be nice, or try to help in some way as its doesn't happen all that often anymore.

    A lot of people will have an ulterior motive for doing something, and I myself have often doubted if somebody genuinely cares or if they've got a game they're playing.
  19. Adrianna

    Adrianna Community Champion

    Yes I understand what you are saying. People who "try" to be nice with an obvious negative motive are almost entirely obvious in their manner. You know it's like this vibration that they put off. You smell the negativity. I've even read that when a person has lower moral standards their body scent is offensive to another who has higher moral standards. If you are on the same no matter what the one with the same standard will always smell sweet to you. I've noticed it to be true.
    Doubting if someone genuinely cares. Skeptical of other people's intentions. Well, you might want to look at your own ability to genuinely care for others. It's not always easy to care about other people who don't seem to care about themselves let alone others. I love people who are able to be genuine and seem to still have a great way about them with people who aren't so kind. They have this kill 'em with kindness modo. The actors usually fall short because of their intentions creeping through. A game you say. Lol that's a good one. There is always a game, it is just the way life is and people are. Whether you play their game or not is up to you. You just need to play the games you like to play. You know, those that play the same way you do.
  20. pwarbi

    pwarbi Community Champion

    People do tend to have their own agendas or games they are playing to get the most out of life for then, and for some it doesn't matter who they hurt along the way.

    Life doesn't have to be like that though, and it is possible to be able to live your own life, enjoy it but not hurt, but help others along the way.

    Sadly people aren't that way inclined anymore and it seems to be a case of every man (or woman) for themselves these days.