I think I am addicted to speed and I need support. Never used a forum before and I am hoping it helps. I don't have anyone to talk to IRL. 18 years old >> entered a (verbally and occasionally physically) abusive lesbian relationship that would last 9 years. Was in 1st year of university when I tried to leave her 2 times. Got separated and stayed with my parents, but gave into her begging me to come home. Verbal abuse continued. Tried to leave her 4 more times, but she convinced me to stay. Without her knowledge, I applied to change to a university program across the country. Was accepted and booked a flight. Didn’t tell I was leaving until 4 days before I moved. 27 years old >> hadn’t done drugs, apart from smoking pot or popping the occasional (once every other year) MDMA capsule. Had just moved to new city and started new uni program. Was excited. Missed my ex-partner despite her anger issues. It’s hard to spend every day with someone for 9 years and suddenly not see or talk to them anymore. 3 weeks after moving to new city, I went to a lesbian party at a bar. Met a good-looking woman and gave her my number. 29 years old >> I’ve been with the woman from the party for almost 2 years. She's 13 years older than me and yells at me for a LOT of things. For example, when I don’t text her or call or right after class, she thinks I’m having sex with a classmate. We’ve had screaming matches that scare the neighbors. This past spring, I tried to leave 4 times before I finally moved out in May to another apartment. She begged me to come back. I only spent 2 nights in that apartment, even though I had to pay for it for 3 months. Before I knew it, I was back living with her and our relationship was the same: drinking every night and fighting every other night, only to wake up in the morning and cling to each other and vow to stop drinking. I often hear myself say, "I'm sorry, you're right, it's my fault," when I know I've done nothing wrong. Abuse was all verbal/mental/financial until last night when it got physical and she punched my chest. I don't know how, but the conversation afterwards twisted into me apologizing for upsetting her. Last year I got a job at a café/bar, but it was problematic. Café was far from home and took a long time to bike home, so twice when I rode my bike quickly and made it through a series of green lights, she accused me of getting rides home from male customers. I would never do such a thing. The more I insisted on my faithfulness to her, the angrier she got. She broke up with me more than once, calling me a little slut or accusing me of using her for a place to live. I stopped working at the café and started as a housecleaner so I can afford groceries. Income has been especially low since wasting $$ on the other apartment. Housecleaning is an exhausting job. I also get me & my gf's groceries via bicycle and do the cooking & majority of cleaning at home, which makes me even more tired. Sometimes when I am lugging the groceries home, I just want to sit on the sidewalk and cry. I tell myself to stop going out of my way to get fresh food and cook for my gf, because she doesn’t treat me right. She doesn’t make me do it—she tells me cooking’s not my job and I don’t have to do it all the time. But the thing is when there’s nothing in the fridge, no ready-made meal when she wakes up or gets home from work, she uses profanity, raises her voice, and intentionally hurts me by pointing out my character flaws. In June I was in heavy/fast-paced summer classes, but I was falling asleep in class or was too drained at night to do homework. I stole a few of my gf's Adderall capsules, broke them open, and dumped the beads in my water or coffee throughout the day. They helped me concentrate, stay alert, and feel better about my relationship problems. But the Adderall started a whirlwind of other problems. At night I'd still be wired, and neither alcohol or nighttime cough syrup helped me calm down. My gf had just gotten a new job and was in intensive training. She had homework every night, so she didn't notice that I was inspired to clean the kitchen or do the laundry at 10 pm. I’d stay up until 1, which was her average bedtime during her training, but I’d have to get up at 7 for school, which added to my exhaustion. I turned to GHB in the evenings. Not only did it eliminate the Adderall shakes and fast pulse, but it put me in a great mood. I had easy access to the GHB because SWIM (really) kept some hidden and I knew where. It made me drowsy enough for adequate sleep.