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University student, abusive relationship. Coped by taking speed and now can't stop.

Discussion in 'General Substance Abuse Discussion' started by QuickHeart, Sep 25, 2017.

  1. QuickHeart

    QuickHeart Member

    I think I am addicted to speed and I need support. Never used a forum before and I am hoping it helps. I don't have anyone to talk to IRL.

    18 years old >> entered a (verbally and occasionally physically) abusive lesbian relationship that would last 9 years. Was in 1st year of university when I tried to leave her 2 times. Got separated and stayed with my parents, but gave into her begging me to come home. Verbal abuse continued. Tried to leave her 4 more times, but she convinced me to stay. Without her knowledge, I applied to change to a university program across the country. Was accepted and booked a flight. Didn’t tell I was leaving until 4 days before I moved.

    27 years old >> hadn’t done drugs, apart from smoking pot or popping the occasional (once every other year) MDMA capsule. Had just moved to new city and started new uni program. Was excited. Missed my ex-partner despite her anger issues. It’s hard to spend every day with someone for 9 years and suddenly not see or talk to them anymore. 3 weeks after moving to new city, I went to a lesbian party at a bar. Met a good-looking woman and gave her my number.

    29 years old >> I’ve been with the woman from the party for almost 2 years. She's 13 years older than me and yells at me for a LOT of things. For example, when I don’t text her or call or right after class, she thinks I’m having sex with a classmate. We’ve had screaming matches that scare the neighbors. This past spring, I tried to leave 4 times before I finally moved out in May to another apartment. She begged me to come back. I only spent 2 nights in that apartment, even though I had to pay for it for 3 months. Before I knew it, I was back living with her and our relationship was the same: drinking every night and fighting every other night, only to wake up in the morning and cling to each other and vow to stop drinking. I often hear myself say, "I'm sorry, you're right, it's my fault," when I know I've done nothing wrong. Abuse was all verbal/mental/financial until last night when it got physical and she punched my chest. I don't know how, but the conversation afterwards twisted into me apologizing for upsetting her.

    Last year I got a job at a café/bar, but it was problematic. Café was far from home and took a long time to bike home, so twice when I rode my bike quickly and made it through a series of green lights, she accused me of getting rides home from male customers. I would never do such a thing. The more I insisted on my faithfulness to her, the angrier she got. She broke up with me more than once, calling me a little slut or accusing me of using her for a place to live.

    I stopped working at the café and started as a housecleaner so I can afford groceries. Income has been especially low since wasting $$ on the other apartment. Housecleaning is an exhausting job. I also get me & my gf's groceries via bicycle and do the cooking & majority of cleaning at home, which makes me even more tired. Sometimes when I am lugging the groceries home, I just want to sit on the sidewalk and cry. I tell myself to stop going out of my way to get fresh food and cook for my gf, because she doesn’t treat me right. She doesn’t make me do it—she tells me cooking’s not my job and I don’t have to do it all the time. But the thing is when there’s nothing in the fridge, no ready-made meal when she wakes up or gets home from work, she uses profanity, raises her voice, and intentionally hurts me by pointing out my character flaws.

    In June I was in heavy/fast-paced summer classes, but I was falling asleep in class or was too drained at night to do homework. I stole a few of my gf's Adderall capsules, broke them open, and dumped the beads in my water or coffee throughout the day. They helped me concentrate, stay alert, and feel better about my relationship problems. But the Adderall started a whirlwind of other problems.

    At night I'd still be wired, and neither alcohol or nighttime cough syrup helped me calm down. My gf had just gotten a new job and was in intensive training. She had homework every night, so she didn't notice that I was inspired to clean the kitchen or do the laundry at 10 pm. I’d stay up until 1, which was her average bedtime during her training, but I’d have to get up at 7 for school, which added to my exhaustion.

    I turned to GHB in the evenings. Not only did it eliminate the Adderall shakes and fast pulse, but it put me in a great mood. I had easy access to the GHB because SWIM (really) kept some hidden and I knew where. It made me drowsy enough for adequate sleep.
  2. QuickHeart

    QuickHeart Member

    One night at about 9 pm, I was cooking while intoxicated (all day Adderall, then 2 glasses of wine, then a dose of GHB) and my gf was studying in her office next to the kitchen. I had food on the stove when I offered to do her ironing, and I set the board up in the living room. I felt very proud. I was getting everything done, and I was able to do it all with a smile on my face. I felt goofy and carefree. I dissolved some more GHB in a glass of water and drank it in 3 big gulps, so my gf wouldn’t come out and mistake it as plain water. I started a load of laundry. I put on my headphones and made a playlist—listening to house music was extremely pleasurable. Then I got distracted by sweeping. Then I started chopping vegetables for a salad.

    Before I knew it, the food on the stove was burning and vegetables were all over the counter and floor. I had completely missed the garbage can while peeling. My gf was standing in the kitchen doorway, staring at me with her mouth hanging open.

    “What’s wrong with you?” she demanded.

    I couldn’t look her in the eyes or focus on anything, but I insisted, “I’m fiiiiiine," and sunk to the floor. I was terrified of the verbal punishment headed my way.

    She kept asking me to tell her what was happening, but I was passing out every few seconds. “Oh my god! I’m calling an ambulance!” she said, which made me fight to stay conscious.

    I felt like I was standing up and acting alert, but she later told me I was hunched over, drooling and moaning.

    She threw a glass of cold water on me, which helped me keep my eyes open (at the time, I was extremely offended). She dragged me to the sofa and sat me down, saying, “What did you take?! Tell me now, or I’m calling 9-1-1. Are you on drugs?”

    I nodded.

    “Oh my god! Are you on heroin?”

    “No.”

    “Sleeping pills? I don’t know…you need to tell me! What are you on?! Did you overdose on something? Are you on G?”

    “Yeah,” I murmured, “GHB.”

    I struggled to lift my head. She ran to the kitchen for some honey and forced me to swallow a spoonful, because she had heard that sugar helps cut the effect of drugs. She turned around and shut off the iron before it could burn the apartment down, or before I could trip over it and burn myself down. Then she stormed into our bedroom, lay on the bed, and cried.

    I somehow got the energy and the “courage” to follow her, perch on the side of the bed (and fall off) and tell her, “I don’t feel happy or safe. You hate me and want to kill me.” Those words became my mantra for the next hour, as I repeated them again and again.

    She asked how I got the GHB and I admitted to stealing it. She said she couldn’t be with a liar and that I had totally gone behind her back, getting high when drugs were something we had overcome together (I forgot to mention that the 1st year of our relationship was comprised of weekly cocaine usage, including two forty-eight-hour binges).

    She broke up with me and, as sloppy as I was, I begged her not to. I made the genuine offer, “You can throw me down the stairs; I deserve it.”

    We stayed together and I spent the new few weeks apologizing and thinking about how wrong I had been to a) steal drugs and b) do so many drugs when I was in school and she was in training. We had long talks and I explained that I had just been trying to hold my **** together. She forgave me. She’s not sounding so bad now, huh? I secretly did Adderall a few more times, to get through my final exams. From that time (the end of June) to the middle of August, drugs did not accompany my drinking.

    SWIM (really) has speed and I know where it’s hidden. In the middle of August, I had a 5-hour housecleaning shift that I was dreading because I felt hungover and lethargic. I took half a speed before I went to the customer’s house. He wasn’t home, so I put on house music and set about doing my tasks. I started FLYING! I did everything, and I did it very. VERY. Thoroughly. I even organized his clothes from light to dark. Afterwards, I had energy to rollerblade home for 40 minutes even though I usually metro from his place. The speed wore off and was replaced with intense hunger, which was how I realized that I hadn’t eaten all day.

    The following week, I was at another customer’s house and I took a nibble of speed, but less than half, just in case I was still feeling it when I finished cleaning. It hit me good and, once again, I became super-efficient. The speed was wearing off on my way home, so I took another nibble and stopped to buy a bottle of wine. My gf would be gone for work for the night, and would never know what I was up to. That evening, I kept my headphones on because the bass was very stimulating. I drank wine and literally danced around, cooking and tidying up until about 11pm. Then I took more speed, chewed gum, turned the lights down, and had my own private dance party until 5:30am, even dressing up as if I was going to the club. Funnily, I had more fun dancing alone than I ever had a club.

    I didn’t think much of the speed until my gf got called away for work again the following week. I had my own party, once again. Both times when she came home in the morning, the apartment was spotless and there was food in the fridge. I was exhausted, but pretended I had my period or was coming down with a cold. She thanked me for cooking and gave me sympathy for not feeling well.

    Sept. 5th (about 3 weeks ago)>> I started my 4th year as a uni undergrad. Before school that day, I nibbled some speed. During lecture I sat with my back straight, didn’t fidget, took extremely neat notes, and participated in class discussions with articulate and confident answers. I was also not distracted by hunger, as I always tend to be during long lectures. Intermittently throughout the lesson and the rest of the day’s duties (groceries, cooking, etc…the usual), I had rushes of positive thoughts: “Everything is going to be fine. You are being productive and there is nothing wrong with that.”

    I nibbled speed the next day, and the next. And the next. I developed a pattern of 10am, 4pm, and 7pm, consuming ¾ to a full pill in a day. If I took any past 7pm, I wouldn’t be able to sleep. My gf had made sure I didn’t have access to GHB anymore, so to calm down I started having 3 or 4 glasses of red wine each night.

    Now (Sept. 25th)>> This routine has made me feel like I have more time in my day, probably because I don’t need naps or moments to feed myself. I’ve lost 5 pounds this month, which was a personal goal. I’ve been in a good mood with my gf and she responds with a good mood. I pushed away the thought that I might be getting addicted to speed with the thought, “It’s like Adderall, and so many people are prescribed that for ADHD—why can’t I do speed to make myself more focused?”

    What’s the problem?

    Well. The other day I stole 3 speed pills at once, afraid that I would run out before my next chance. I nibbled 1 of the 3 pills and hid the other 2 in a little bag in my purse.

    This weekend, SWIM (really) who I’ve been stealing from noticed 15 pills altogether missing. Freaked out, thought a friend had taken it. I immediately admitted it was me. My gf found out. I lied and said that I took all the speed back in June, in conjunction with the GHB. SWIM and my gf believed this. I lied and said the GHB was calming me down from speed highs. I tried to get sympathy for needing speed to get through my studying at that time. SWIM was not sympathetic, but extremely angry that I would steal like so.

    My gf was angry and hurt, too. “It’s been almost 3 months since June,” she said. “Why didn’t you tell me about the speed then? When I caught you on GHB?”

    “I’ve been trying to tell you!” I lied. “All summer I’ve been looking for a good chance to tell you, but I just couldn’t!”

    She responded with, “It’s crazy that I didn’t noticed you were high. I can’t believe you did all that in such a short period. How did you feel when you stopped taking it?”

    “I went through withdrawl,” I lied, “and it was terrible; I was so sick. Aren’t you glad I stopped taking them? I never want to go through that again.”

    No one knows that I’ve actually consumed most of those 15 pills in the past month. Now I have only 1 pill left in the little bag in my purse, and I’m starting to get extremely worried. I’m afraid that I am going to experience an actual withdrawl period and I won’t be able to hide it. Believe it or not, my gf is very intuitive. She hasn’t noticed my speed highs this month because I’ve been making sure my high peaks happen at school, not home. My pupils don’t dilate and I force myself to eat almost normal amounts when I’m around her. She has asked a few questions, such as, “Why do you always need to be doing something?” “Why are you chewing gum?” “Why do your eyes look so puffy?” and, “You’re really not going to finish your supper?”

    I don’t know yet whether or not I am dependent on speed, because I haven’t given myself a moment to find out—I’ve been perpetually high for 3 weeks. I’m afraid of withdrawl symptoms and of my gf suspecting the truth and kicking me out of our apartment when I am at rock bottom/feeling sick. Moreover, I am afraid of the depression that I am bound to experience. And all of this fear is making me consider stealing more pills from SWIM. I already checked and the pills haven’t been hidden elsewhere. I feel like it’s a test on my trustworthiness, and I’m going to fail. I can’t believe myself. I’m scared.
  3. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @QuickHeart... Welcome and thanks for sharing so openly with us. I'm sorry you're going through these struggles.

    I have two suggestions.

    The first is to see an addiction specialist. They can assess your situation and recommend the best next steps for you. They can also help you deal with the withdrawal symptoms you might experience from quitting speed.

    The second is to see a therapist. I think a good therapist could help you cope with a lot of the things you're feeling. There are probably underlying causes to a lot of your issues, and once you discover and confront those causes your life could be much happier.

    At this point, I wouldn't worry about what other people--including your girlfriend--think. The most important person in your life is YOU and you have to do everything you can to get yourself back in a healthy and comfortable place.

    I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I'm also sending you lots of positive, healing vibes...and big hugs full of hope and encouragement.

    Please do what you have to do to help yourself. YOUR life is the most important one! Period!
  4. QuickHeart

    QuickHeart Member

    Hi deanokat...thanks for taking the time to respond to me. I have not reached out to anyone besides this forum
    Yesterday I had less speed than the previous days, in an attempt to wean myself from it. But I felt jittery, and was by my gf's side all day (remember, she doesn't know I've been taking it daily for more than a month) so I coped with my nerves by drinking more than a bottle of wine. I had a homework assignment to submit online, and was less high and more drunk than usual, and when I looked this morning I had submitted something full of errors and shorter than the minimum written length...I felt truly disappointed in myself for that.

    I didn't consume any substances today, but I was extremely lethargic and had a bad headache. I skipped out on a housecleaning job and went straight to school and spent a long time trying to do another assignment. I developed a bad backache and I kept getting distracted by movements in my peripheral vision, but nothing was there. I have a half pill of speed in my bag still but I refrained from nibbling it. I don't know why I was able to stop. Maybe having it is a comfort...knowing I can take it if I start to feel really down or out of control...
  5. QuickHeart

    QuickHeart Member

    I am also very very very very very hungry.
  6. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @QuickHeart... I'm sorry to hear about your bad day. While it's great that you took less speed than the previous days, drinking more than a bottle of wine to deal with your nerves obviously wasn't a good solution. Replacing one substance with another is never a good answer.

    I still think my earlier suggestions would help you a lot. Seeing an addiction specialist and/or a therapist could be life-changing for you. So keep those suggestions in mind, okay?

    I'm rooting for you to beat these addictions. I know you can do it if you are willing to work at it.