Wanna be clean, wanna mix a shot

so I’m sitting outside smoking a blunt watching this rain. I can’t help but look at my arms over and over, scared of the possibilities but hopeful since it seems better today. No pain no fever anxiety on high. My dogs don’t like me high and I’m pretty sure my daughter wasn’t thrilled to grow up with a drug addicted hustling mom.

I was clean for 6 years, been fucking up the last 4. And then over the past few months fell even farther down and began shooting up again, after 12 years off that dam needle.
I’m trying, I’m praying, I don’t want this. I don’t even like being high. Just want that rush.

@Noflexzone First off the screen name is hilarious, I have a friend who it instantly made me think of because he would always sit on my porch and smoke a blunt and then he would start saying those exact word's after a few hits lol,anyways I understand how you feel.I had struggled for a very long time with that needle.....like over a decade and it shames me to admit that but it's the unfortunate truth and then I found this site and I will be honest in the beginning I thought "this is going to be pointless"yet I decided to pour my heart out honestly and without even recognizing what was taking place I started a transformation process which changed my life,gave me hope,and ultimately delivered me sobriety....real sobriety for the first time since the age of 6 year's old (I was on Ritalin)at that time and in my life it wired my brain to rely on substances and for me it became a driving force in my eventual drug abuse and addiction issue's as an adult,this bothers me because I never had a say in it and for most of my life I blamed the world and refused to accept it could be changed with hard work,focus,will,determination,support,encouragement, and faith and here on this site the support I received overwhelmed me and often time's I cried..like a lot because they were killing me with kindness like I had never felt,anyways I achieved 10 month's sober and I fell down for 1 day...I dusted myself off refocused and then I got a few more month's sober and damnit I fell again but this time I allowed myself to stay down for about 2 week's and a few day's ago I cane back to the site in a bad way..furst I came back drunk and was in my opinion not very polite or understanding which is why my post for the last week are nothing like my post from the year before and I posted several times a day the entire year but as of tonight I am refocused and commuted so just like myself I know you can do the same,tomorrow I will be bad off or honestly here anytime as the substances are finally completely wearing off and though I would never encourage anyone else to do this I will be going through yet another cold turkey detox, I have been through them several time's and no they are not safe but I must do it that way and always have simply because I am showing myself for how good I feel while high and drunk there is a flip side which brings about an extreme long lasting agonizing sick this is my way of trying to teach myself how so not worth it it is,my way of trying to get my mind to remember the agony it causes is not worth the temporary great feeling it delivers.I do not advise this method of quitting as a few time's I nearly died while in detox and now typing that I feel so stupid as that should've been enough to keep me away from it but I cannot dwell on it or it will place doubt in my my mind and I don't have any room for doubt in my life anymore.Each fall I get up from I get stronger and wiser.I am sorry I ranted on just wanted you to know your not alone in thus fight and we do care about you and would be honored to communicate with you on this journey of yours.Take some time and visit my profile page if you get time and start reading my story from when I first got here so you can see where I was 16 month's ago and see where this site and my faith helped get me too.You can overcome, you can beat this,I believe in you and I am rooting for you. STAY STRONG AND GOD BLESS

@Noflexzone I'm happy you found this community. Stick around and read some of the posts. I'm 3 weeks clean from over 10 years of some type of opiod, the last being snorting Heroin. I was never on the needle but it could of came to that.
Are you able to see an addiction specialist? If you Google them in your area you can find one near you. You've done it before and I believe you can do it again.

@DoxyMom Congratulations and great work!

I do know how hard it is, I’m doing good but only because I gave myself thrombosis and I’m doing all I can to save and heal these veins. So like 48 hours clean. Fighting myself constantly because those are only two places I can’t hit. Just praying smoking bud and trying to connect the dots. I’m extremely blessed and I’m not acting like it. Doing this is selfish and I’m not proud of myself but I’m gonna keep working. I do see a psychiatrist and it’s definitely helping. Thank you for the kind words

Oh thanks!! It just popped in my head so I was like let’s do it. Love me some nicki


Crazy it made me repost but okay. Thank you so much for your inspiring words and support! I’ve been scouring the Internet for a group to lean on while I try to kick this nasty habit before something does happen to me. I push it to the limit no matter what I do. I’ve got to learn self control. The fact that all necessary tools are here I have been able to resist. All glory to God

Thank you so much for kind words and support! Honestly I couldn’t stand my lifestyle anymore. It was enough to make me stop. I’m not even sure how I ended up on it again

Thank you! I’m using all the self control I can find but I do have meth and points here. I think Saturday was my last time shooting and the amount of healing and the risk of infection is down enough to be able to hit my right arm pretty confidently. I don’t want to tho and I’m hoping I don’t get that itch

All glory to God! I’m still clean and I hope I stay this way!

Still clean today, a little depressed but healing nicely. Thank you so much for your continued support

Depression sucks,in fact it's the worst.I can not function depressed so I for the longest time turned depression into anger purposely, mad at the world I can function depressed I cannot but what I know now is both of those inset mental mindsets will destroy you just in drastically different ways however once you can see how they are both only there to eliminate your happiness and chance at a happy life you can defeat them,I don't have all the answers,I have logged more of my own personal struggle on this site than anyone and I believe by quite a lot. I have been asked by many both online and in private life "Why do you share so honestly to the world?"I have been told it is absolutely stupid but I want other's to see there is hope,that someone else does fight a very similar fight to their own.I don't remember what member shared a certain post but who ever it was said something that just rang my ears like a drum being beat,the individual stated "I only say positive thing's to myself,I never say negative thing's and if I don't believe them I say them in my mind until I believe them"BOOM I have been telling myself for 3 straight days that I am better than I have lived....Nonstop trying to burn it in my subconscious and never forget it again. People on this site can supply the path all you have to do is take what resonates and leave the rest.STAY STRONG AND GOD BLESS

I'm so happy to hear you are clean. Keep fighting those cravings. Get rid of the points and the meth so you aren't tempted. Hang in there.

Appreciate all the support. Gods working in my life even tho I’ve stumbled a bit