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Want to give up

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Holdingon, Sep 23, 2015.

  1. Holdingon

    Holdingon Member

    I am in love with an addict. We have lived together on and off for 2 and a half years. I drank when I was in my late teens to early 20s after my parents divorce...I got married at 19 and so became pregnant. I stopped drinking of course and didn't drink for 17 years ....until my own divorce...then I began drinking and met my boyfriend who is an alcholic and abuses prescription drugs. I want to quit drinking....I usually only drink on the weekends and it's been about a week or 2 since my last drink. I know I was on my own personal path to descruction. My boyfriend on the other hand has promised he will not drink while I'm at work, but I have came home to him passed out outside at his apartment. Or he will take off and be gone all night. I did not realize how much of a drug problem there was until he stole about 200 prescription drugs from my father and in about a month or 2 had snorted ALL of them. So here we are...I am struggling to find counsel for both of us. He recently got a script for tramadol and took 15 50 mg pills in a 24 hour period. To complicate the situation be has cystic fibrosis and should be taking a great deal of med as well as he is supposed to be on insulin. I have recently put in my 2 week notice at work because I can't handle being at work not knowing if I will come home and find him dead! I am putting so much of myself into finding him some help that I feel I can't handle being at work...he is so socially awkard so any kind of group therapy is not really an option. ...I really want to give up somethimes....he knows he needs help but we seem to just be running in circles trying to find it...he gets angry at me at times for checking up on him or asking questions....I don't know how to approach him anymore
  2. zaerine

    zaerine Community Champion

    Sorry to know that you are in such situation.
    But as being quoted, you never lose until you give up. Better to believe that there will still be hope even that is easier said than done. He should help himself in order to really have that change cause just wanting to be helped is different from helping himself.
    Holdingon likes this.
  3. Holdingon

    Holdingon Member

    Excellent point!! "Wanting to be helped is different than helping himself" that is a great piece of wisdom! Thank you so much!
    Last edited: Sep 23, 2015
  4. sillylucy

    sillylucy Community Champion

    The addict has to want to give up and get help! Being in love will never make them change! I am so glad that you shared your story with us!
    Holdingon likes this.
  5. Holdingon

    Holdingon Member

  6. Jenga

    Jenga Active Contributor

    There is always hope. Things may be bleak, but there is always a chance that things will start to look up for you. It is very difficult to convince someone who doesn't want to, to quit. Addiction is a very, very powerful thing. It's all consuming. When you've an addiction, you don't care about many things and you're always thinking about getting your next fix, be it alcohol, drugs or otherwise. You will have to show him the damage he's doing to himself and your relationship. You'll have to be honest about the stress it's putting on you. It will probably result in an argument, but if you're really in love, an argument should never cause more trouble than good. He needs to realise that if he doesn't stop, there will be severe consequences.
    Holdingon likes this.
  7. Holdingon

    Holdingon Member

    Thank you so much for your's been the most difficult thing I have ever dealt with so I can only imagine how much more difficult for him to overcome. I have explained to him the stress it's caused...I am so torn about what to do about my job. I feel he needs me there as I work 4- midnight and he says he gets bored and that's why he keeps using. I don't know if my being there for support will help him more or not ...and not working will put alot of strain on us financially. But if I quit and he continues to use then I want to leave but can't because I won't have a job. I have never been in this situation so I never know if i am saying or doing the right things.
  8. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    This is so true. For so long I believed love could change everything. It has nothing to do with how much you love each other. Giving up is not an option! Never stop believing and having hope of a better tomorrow!
    Holdingon likes this.
  9. Holdingon

    Holdingon Member

    I always felt if I love him he will want to stop...but I realize he has to love himself. Right now he is doing well with the drinking ...he hasn't drank for 12 days ...but it's like if he stops drinking then he uses the tramadol or whatever other prescription drugs he can get which he has been getting from his doctor due to his back pain...which has been tramadol. Recently he had a bad bladder infection and was given pain meds in the er and he had them gone in 2-3 days. I had pain meds do to a broken rib and he also took half of those. But I guess I must only look forward and not look in the past...but it's so hard to have hope and believe when so many times he will seem to be getting better and then fall back.
  10. kgord

    kgord Community Champion

    I am sorry your friend is so sick. It is really hard when you love someone and they are in such bad shape. It is just one of the difficult things that life throws at us. I don't know what the solution is other than be as supportive as you can be without enabling. It is easier said than done I know. He is obviously in a great deal of pain and struggling with his own mortality...Does he have a member of the clergy he respects that can help?
    Holdingon likes this.
  11. Holdingon

    Holdingon Member

    Thank you for your reply. He doesn't have anyone other than myself and his mom. We are not active in a church right now though I believe that would help. Currently I am working Sundays. I have put my 2 week notice in so that I cam be of more support to him but it won't be with out great financial strain. I don't even know if i am making the right decision to leave my job. I'm very torn in what to do.
  12. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Holdingon... Welcome to our community and thanks for sharing. I'm terribly sorry that you're in the situation you're in. Loving an addict is one of the most challenging things a human being can encounter. I know because my son was addicted to heroin for years before finally getting clean a little more than three years ago.

    One of the biggest problems we have when someone we love is addicted is wanting to fix them. We think if we do everything we can to help control them and their addiction, they will find recovery and everything will be better. Unfortunately, that's not how things work. The only person who can control a person's addiction is the addict. Until they seriously want to change and are willing to commit 100 percent to getting clean, it really doesn't matter what we do. Trust me. My wife and I tried to control and fix our son for years before finally figuring out that it didn't matter at all that we wanted him to get better. Because he wasn't ready.

    Al-Anon teaches us that we didn't cause our loved one's addiction, we can't control it, and we can't cure it. That is so very true, but it took my wife and I a long time to understand the concept. During our non-stop efforts to "help" our son, we became addicted to his addiction, and that had a very negative effect on us. It made us ill, both physically and emotionally, and our lives became a wreck. It wasn't until we finally let go with love that things started to get better for everyone...including our son.

    I guess what I'm trying to tell you is that YOU are the most important person in your life. So you have to be careful that you don't start to disrupt your life as a result of your loved one's addiction. To me--and this is just my opinion, so please don't be offended--it seems like you are starting to go down that road. Quitting your job because you are worried about your boyfriend and his addiction isn't going to fix anything. And it may very well make things worse, because you will likely find yourself in a financial mess. Plus, like you said, if you quit your job and he continues to use, then you're in an awful predicament.

    Please understand that I am only trying to help you by saying what I've said. I know you love him. I know you're at your wit's end. I know you want to help him. But the best way to help him is to take great care of yourself, and to avoid becoming addicted to his addiction. You need to be at your best physically and emotionally in case your boyfriend decides to get the help he needs. If you're not at your best, then you won't be able to be supportive when the time comes. Think of what they tell you when you're getting ready to take off on an airplane. In the event of an emergency, put your own oxygen mask on first...then proceed with trying to help others. The reason they tell you this is because if you don't take care of you first, you won't be able to help anyone else. And everyone will end up suffering as a result.

    I know that I'm now rambling a bit, and I apologize for that. I will leave you with a passage from one of the best books I've ever read, David Sheff's Beautiful Boy: A Father's Journey Through His Son's Addiction. It is this passage that I credit with saving my life. I probably read this paragraph a thousand times before it finally sank in and I bought into what the author was saying. If I hadn't, I don't think I'd be alive today. That's how immersed in my son's addiction I was. Anyway, read this and see if you can relate to it at all. (Yes, it's written from a father's point of view, but I think you will get the general idea.)

    "Like many in my straits, I became addicted to my son's addiction. When it preoccupied me, even at the expense of my responsibilities to my wife and other children, I justified it. I thought, How can a parent not be consumed by his child's life-or-death struggle? But I learned that my preoccupation with Nic didn't help him and may have harmed him. Or maybe it was irrelevant to him. However, it surely harmed the rest of my family--and me. Along with this, I learned another lesson, a soul-shaking one: our children live or die with or without us. No matter what we do, no matter how we agonize or obsess, we cannot choose for our children whether they live or die. It is a devastating realization, but also liberating. I finally chose life for myself. I chose the perilous but essential path that allows me to accept that Nic will decide for himself how--and whether--he will live his life."

    I wish you nothing but the best going forward. I know that watching someone you love struggle with addiction is incredibly painful and difficult. But you can't let their addiction take you down, too. I would suggest you ask your boyfriend to go to treatment. Sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk with him. Tell him that you love him, that you're concerned about him and his well-being, and how his addiction is affecting you. Tell him if he chooses to get the help he needs, that you will be behind him 100 percent. But if he doesn't choose to get help, then I think you need to maybe distance yourself a bit. Your well-being is so important.

    I would also suggest you consider going to an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting. Being around people who are struggling with the same issues you are can be very comforting. You can also educate yourself by listening to others share their experiences. You will find out very quickly that you are not alone.

    We are also here to help and support you any way we can. So please don't hesitate to reach out anytime you need or want to.

    Again, I hope I haven't offended you with anything I've said. I am just speaking from experience, and I want you to know how important your life is in this equation.

    Go forward, be brave, and keep the faith, my friend. I'm sending you peace, hugs, and positive vibes.
    Holdingon likes this.
  13. Holdingon

    Holdingon Member

    Thank you so very much!! I am not at all offended. ...I have forsaken time with my children because of dealing with his addiction and that really is not fair to them or myself. I have never really been good at taking care of me. I am so afraid while I'm at work that something will happen and that is partly selfishness son my part because I don't want to be alone (issues that I need to deal with) and the shift I am on makes seeing my own children impossible. So quitting isn't just for him....but he is a big part of the anixiety that I experience while I am at work. Please don't apologize for rambling because I am taking in EVERY single word that you say...always searching for that statement or word that provides me with the strength or hope that I need to keep "holding on" or in this case perhaps "letting go" ....
    deanokat likes this.
  14. Winterybella

    Winterybella Community Champion

    I am just here to say don't let giving up be an option Holdingon. You surely know by now that all of us here have your best interest at heart and want you to make the best decisions going forward. Love is one of my favourite subjects, but I am learning quite late in life that sometimes to best kind of love we can give to others is our love of self. I don't know if that makes any sense, but it's my way of saying you have to love you and take care of you before losing yourself and your mind completely.

    There is no question we all want the love of your life to get better, but he has to help in this process as well. That you are contemplating quitting your job leaves me speechless. Think carefully about your next step, and dissect what has been presented in this wonderful community of caring persons and try to make the right the decisions. Never give up on your love, but first and foremost don't give up on you and what's best for you. We welcome you here and look forward to hearing of the progress you both make.
    deanokat and Holdingon like this.
  15. Holdingon

    Holdingon Member

    Thank you for your response and words of wisdom ....I appreciate it so much!
    Winterybella and deanokat like this.
  16. sunflogun

    sunflogun Community Champion

    I think it's in a way rewarding to see that other people do care and want to help.
    Winterybella, Holdingon and deanokat like this.
  17. missbishi

    missbishi Community Champion

    OK, I'm not going to mince my words here. You have children who you find it difficult to spend time with because of your shifts. Yet your boyfriend seems to take priority over them. Who is more important here?

    How are you going to support yourself and children when you quit work? Of course he's saying he's bored when you're at work, it's nothing more than an EXCUSE. Believe me, he'll only find ways to drink in secret once you're at home all day. It won't be long before he's "going out for a walk to clear his head".

    You'd be better off working on your own self esteem. Are you really prepared to potentially damage your relationship with your children just because you don't want to be alone? In my opinion, you're probably more alone with things the way they are right now than you ever will be without him.
    deanokat and Holdingon like this.
  18. jeremy2

    jeremy2 Community Champion

    Thanks for sharing. I really feel sorry that drugs have created such a huge rift between you and your partner. You seem better placed to solve the problem at hand compared to your husband. He seems less in control of his life at the moment and he's not able to reason rationally. There are kids involved here so it would be a good a idea to also keep their interests at heart. At the end of the day, its you who will be able to make the final decision on whether you need him in your life or not.
    Holdingon and Winterybella like this.
  19. dyanmarie25

    dyanmarie25 Community Champion

    Hello there @Holdingon! Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing your story to us here. I don't think giving up is the best solution to your problem. I could somehow feel that both of you love each other so much, and both of you want to change for the better. However, you are also quite struggling. Well, I believe there is no hopeless case. Give recovery a try, be an inspiration to each other. I know the two of you will be able to overcome these issues sooner or later. Hang in there for a while. Best of luck!
    Holdingon likes this.
  20. ReadmeByAmy

    ReadmeByAmy Community Champion

    @Holdingon ... Thanks for sharing your story in this forum and I know many can relate to your testimonies. Sometimes it is true that love shows no boundaries and to the fact that most of us love unconditionally. And it is not that easy to quit and to stay away from our love ones in times they needed us most in their struggling times in life. However we always have the option what to do if it is for the better of our life or not to be there and to stay with them. But if is still not that worst and you think there are chances for change I may say that don't give up if it is worthy doing it for the best to both of you.
    Holdingon likes this.