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We can't all ways see that silver lining...

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by adayinthelife, May 15, 2018.

  1. adayinthelife

    adayinthelife Member

    My story began with a pretty minor misstep while running that turned into a gruesome injury that would forever change my life. That was July of 2015. After months of not being able to walk or work. Months of sitting around putting on roughly 60 pounds to my already obese body I saw a surgeon who finally said he could help. He could help with the numbness, the swelling, the mobility issues and of course the pain. Up to that point I had been prescribed very little pain medication but that changes when you have a major surgery. And it definitely changes when you develop a serious infection that leads to a second surgery and a host of other problems. I spent the summer after those surgeries trying to recover physically and mentally. When a doctor brought up my increasing weight and the option of bariatric surgery it took all of 2 seconds for my to decide that that was what I was going to do. By August of 2017 I had had 4 more major surgeries. It started with bariatric surgery and led to complication after complication and ultimately a reversal of the entire procedure. I spent most of that time in and out of the hospital. I was in and out of different E.R.s in extreme pain. And I was high for most of it because narcotics were all they could do for me as my body had completely rejected the gastric bypass surgery. When the symptoms settled and my scats healed and I got my nutrition back on track it became obvious that all this led to... an addiction. I was in rehab by early October (Less then 3 weeks after my wedding). Rehab was not for me and I did not complete the program but I have remained 100% clean and out of the hospital fortunately.
    But I've hit a speed bump.
    Sometimes drugs, alcohol or any other addiction cloud our minds. And at times makes it impossible to see anything, much less any silver linings in our life. When I was using I found myself to be very impulsive. Perhaps to a fault. In that impulsivity I went out and adopted a dog on a whim. And it may have been that decision that changed it all for me. I can't say that it was Ginger who made me want to get clean, or who kept me clean. But what I can say is that when I was emotionally beat to a pulp, she was the one there, silently loving me. She had no words and that was exactly what I needed. She would come and lay next to my face when I would collapse on the floor in a fit of rage because I burnt my Mac and cheese. She would lick my tears when I would wake up screaming from the nightmares. And she was always in bed with me when I woke up in an empty house on days that all my family was at work. This dog was more than an impulse buy, she was the silver lining on the cloud that was my life. And as I fought the battle to where I am today, over 8 months sober, I realize that nothing good comes from an addiction. But good things can happen when addicted.
    Ginger has been missing for over 24 hours now. She took off while I was at work yesterday and we can't find her anywhere. I'm having trouble conveying my need for this dog without being openly honest about my addiction. I spent the day looking and searching. But the fog that I used to need drugs to cover up is creeping back into my head. She walked me through it... She held my hand and let me scream and cry without batting an eye or moving an inch. And I, well I couldn't even keep her safe. I'm desperate to know what the next step is here. But I don't even know where that step should lead. Hope or grief?
    Last edited: May 15, 2018
  2. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    @adayinthelife Welcome to the site,i am so sorry to hear about ginger,she sounds like a very good friend and I pray you find her.Please stay strong and reach out as often as you need to,wow what a nightmare you have been through.I read this and it worries me because i have struggled with addiction and currently i am waiting on surgery on my knee from a running injury as well and I can barely walk so naturally after i had gotten over my addiction's,the physical part anyway i end up having to take a pain pill to be able to walk which really sucks as i struggled for so long,but I pray that my surgery goes well so i can get back to my life as i honestly hate to even see pill's or alcohol or anything for that matter,but back to your question of what the next step is for you.I can't be sure but maybe your next step was reaching out here and talking about your struggle.I know it helps me alot and the people here in this community are great,very supportive and understanding.There is great advice on this site and support so hopefully it will help you and i personally will be here to talk to you as often as you need.Stay Strong and God Bless.We are here for you
  3. adayinthelife

    adayinthelife Member

    The thing with surgery is, you have to let it work. Which means resting that knee. And following all doctors instructions. That really is the only way to get back to normal. I've seen your story and I understand the need to stay busy and keep moving but that knee needs some time and rest.
    I haven't had a craving since December but as the day closed yesterday it kind of crept up on me. That's a very scary thing for me.
  4. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @adayinthelife... Welcome to the community and thanks so much for sharing with us. I'm sorry for all the struggles you have been through, but I hope you keep moving forward. Be brave and keep the faith, my friend. And I hope Ginger comes back to you. I will pray on that today. Hard.

    We're here to help and support you however we can.
    True concern likes this.
  5. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @adayinthelife hey there. I just responded to your post in a different thread, but just wanted to let you know here that I've sent a prayer for Ginger to come home to you .
    True concern likes this.
  6. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    I understand that and it sucks,for the rest of our lives we as addicts will have to show extreme self control but i believe we can be stronger than we were weak and addiction hates will power and it will constantly test it but as we push through we get stronger each and every time.I truly believe that just getting it off our chest is a great start,especially when there are others there for support.Stay Strong and God Bless.I try to rest my knee but i do push to hard at time's,today i ran just over 4 miles and it really hurts right now so i will try to rest it as long as my mind will let me
    Dominica likes this.
  7. adayinthelife

    adayinthelife Member

    The cravings are getting stronger the longer we go without any knowledge of Gingers whereabouts. I went to work today and did pretty good for the first few hours but I feel like I'm on the verge of falling apart.
  8. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @adayinthelife if you're not opposed to meetings, consider attending one... might help.with the cravings..
  9. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @adayinthelife... I second Dominica's suggestion to go to a support group meeting. Take things an hour or minute at a time. Whatever helps you fight off the cravings. I know it's not easy, but I know you can do it. And I'm continuing to pray for Ginger's safe return.

  10. You just might need to fall apart for a couple of days there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling that way you have to fight that feeling of the drugs will make it better because in all honesty you'll just be high with no dog. Getting high will not change reality and if you just think about the situation a different way then you may be able to find a peace with it all but dope will never lead to peace.
    deanokat likes this.
  11. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    Hey there! Would love to get an update from you. Just know that we’re thinking of you and we care about your well-being.