What is supporting versus enabling? Is it right to distance yourself?

When you have an addicted loved one, and you are trying to support them despite their often bad and hurtful decisions, at what point do you decide what you are doing is enabling rather than supporting them? Even when you aren't necessarily enabling them, when do you decide that it isn't healthy to continue to put yourself in that type of stressful and hurtful situation? Is it ever really right to distance yourself from a loved one in the hopes that they'll come around and begin making better decisions on their own?

Personally, I'm not a fan of ultimatums or tough love, and I think family support is important, but I also think everyone has a breaking point.

It is not right to abandon a loved one. At the end of the day, everything has a limit. If you notice that the efforts you make to support the person are instead enabling the person, then you need to step back from being soft and take a harder tone. You need to use words that allows the person to know that you still love him or her, but at the same time, words that spurs the person to reflect. If you just insult the person, he or she will take it as an offense and will not listen to you any longer. speak calmly, but use strong words, and they will surely cause the person to think again. I do not believe that a loved one should ever be abandoned for any reason. At the same time, they need to be told the truth in a respectful way.

I think that the ultimate decision depends on the situation. @harold is right, one should never abandon a loved one, and it's expected to be going through thick and thin no matter what.

However sometime a breaking point is necessary, but this is not about turn your back at the person causing the break, just putting some distance in between, but always remaining pending of what is going on with this person and trying to help in the distance.

Or at least this is the way how I perceive a breaking point should be.

I think respect is a huge part of it, but sometimes I feel like some people in these situations become resistant or indifferent to any advice or input. That is, no matter how respectful you are, not getting respect in return makes it all the more difficult. I guess it comes down to being understanding and recognizing the difficulty of their situation.

I particularly like what you said here: "speak calmly, but use strong words". Tone is important and a good way to convey respect while also being direct and truthful.

I agree that turning your back is not favorable or really an option at all when dealing with someone you love. I would never abandon a loved one, but I can see how helping from a distance may be your best option. I guess in that way it lets the loved one know they have your love and support, but not your approval It gives them space to deal with their own problems, while not outright abandoning them.

This makes a lot of sense, @deanokat. Thank you. I think sometimes it's hard to distinguish the two, and I think you are right that it is a learning process. I'm glad to hear your son is doing well, and that you were able to find the right balance between supporting but not enabling him.

So do you think that your ultimatum was what finally made it sink it the fourth time? Did he go right to treatment once you gave him the ultimatum or did it take some time for him to come around?

@deanokat. I had a feeling it wouldn't have been that day. I guess you gave your son the wake up call he needed. Good on you for not caving in the meantime. I'm sure it was stressful those two days.

It's really sad when love ones can be so manipulative, though it's pretty obvious that addiction is a powerful thing that makes people do things they wouldn't think of doing while clean.

To my mind, enabling is any action you can take to prevent the addict from changing and getting help. You can't let them use in smaller quantities because you don't like to see the withdrawal symptoms. You can't give them money if they say they're getting evicted (they are going to take that money and use, sorry.) You can let you know that you're there for them, and listen to their struggles, as long as you're not putting them in a situation where they don't have to stop using.

As far as abandoning a loved one, this might sound harsh, but if it comes to the point that you feel you have to cut them off, that's okay to do. If an addict puts you in a position where you don't feel safe, or you feel that you're being used, let them know that you want to see them again, but not while they're addicted. You should never have to put yourself in danger, physically or mentally, because of an addicted loved one.

Absolutely it is true that sometimes a "wake up call" makes a person to realized their own mistakes and experiences and to think that there is a need to change their life for the better.

I agree that you shouldn't have to put yourself in danger. Unfortunately, it seems like so many of us do before we wise up. In terms of financial support, do you think it's OK to pay someones rent or support them financial in some other way while not actually giving them cash? There is the possibility that this gives them the financial freedom to spend other money on drugs, but it's less direct support of their habit.

Do you think even this type of financial support should be avoided?

I believe that distance is important if other methods have failed.
Sometimes, just simply knowing that it is possible to feed their addiction while simultaneously maintaining an important relationship (girlfriend, friend, etc...), THAT can be enabling.
Sometimes hitting rock bottom and feeling as though they will lose their loved ones if they don't change may be exactly what the addict needs.
BUT i am also a firm believer in loving from a distance. While addicts do need tough love sometimes, they are also in need of some sort of positive support system.

I pushed someone away and regret it because that person committed suicide that same night. Yeah it was a friend but I learned something from it.

If you are the only person who has been standing by the addict's side, cutting him/her out of your life would make things worse. They might not commit suicide but it could make their addiction problem worse. But this doesn't apply where kids are involved. One must make sacrifices to protect the little ones from abuse and negative influences no matter what it costs.