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What is the worst/biggest thing you ever forgave an addict?

Discussion in 'Helping an Addicted Loved One' started by bluedressed, Jan 5, 2015.

  1. bluedressed

    bluedressed Community Champion

    Because many times, drugs cloud the judgment and all... And we know it's the source of many ills. What is the worst thing someone you loved has done to you under the influence that you were willing to forgive?

    If it hadn't happened yet... What is the biggest thing they could do to you, that you think you would still forgive if they would just finally quit? Do you think anyone around you would understand your forgiveness or your faith in them?
  2. hellonamesdana

    hellonamesdana Senior Contributor

    I like to think that I forgive my mother for all of the mental and physical abuse she has done to me in the past twenty years of my life, but I don't. I don't forgive her because she never truthfully asked to be forgiven for it all, and instead she would rather just pretend that nothing happened and move on from it. I can't do that. I don't like it when people would rather dismiss the horrible things that they said or did to me. Own up to it, have a heart felt apology that I can actually take seriously, give me a good enough reason to want to forgive you, and then do something to change the way you treat me.
    I shouldn't just have to somehow manage to forget my mother throwing me down a flight of wooden deck stairs in our back yard onto brick flooring, or kicking my door down after I locked it to try to keep her away from me, or throwing my laptop down a flight of stairs, or picking me up by my pony tail and throwing me into a wall. I shouldn't have to somehow completely dismiss the words my mother told me that broke me as a person that I think about all of the time, being told that I don't deserve to live, that I'm a miserable waste of space, that I should just do the world a favor and end my life, that I don't deserve to be happy, that I'm a compulsive liar who doesn't deserve love. The list goes on. I can't do that, and I shouldn't be expected to.
    nessarconde likes this.
  3. bluedressed

    bluedressed Community Champion

    This is heartbreaking to read. Do you mean that she quit and stopped behaving in such an horrid way, but refuses to acknowledge she did and the damage she has done? I can imagine what she tells herself -- that it's over anyway, turned over a new leaf, no use getting back into those bad moments... but it seems like cowardice, and very unfair of her. She should try to make it up to you, and the first step for this would be to ask you what you need from her. And it's clear you need a sincere talk and apology, perhaps more, but this at the very least.

    I would not forgive her either, because I would feel she has neither earn it nor wanted it. But I'm sad to see that it looks like it still eats this much at you. I'm sorry. I wish you better.
  4. Fern

    Fern Active Contributor

    I don't think it's about biggest thing really. We don't discuss it. My mom never really even considered apologizing. And I think, she doesn't remember some of the worst incidents as clearly as I do because she was toasted and I was sober. I work on forgiving for me. Holding on to all that frustration and fear and helpless does not help me. I try to let go. Sometimes I think I've succeeded but then something else from my past slaps me in the face and I wonder if forgiving is even possible.
    MrsJones likes this.
  5. amethyst

    amethyst Community Champion

    To be honest, I have always had the attitude that a person while under the influence of a substance, or addicted to a substance, can't be made fully responsible for their actions. For that matter I developed an attitude of understanding and forgiveness for the people that I know who suffer from an addiction. Admittedly, it's not easy to always be compassionate. I do get angry and argumentative from time to time, but in the end, I let it go.
    MrsJones likes this.
  6. Rainman

    Rainman Community Champion

    When I was a teenager and my brother who was an addict then had misplaced whatever substance he'd been using made the assumption that I'd had a hand in its disappearance. He armed himself with a knife and threatened me with it demanding that I tell him where I'd hidden the stuff. When he saw his threats weren't working, he tried to stab me. I was rather husky then so I easily subdued him and locked him in his room. But though he made an attempt on my life, I forgave him.
    bluedressed and MrsJones like this.
  7. MrsJones

    MrsJones Community Listener Community Listener

    It would be difficult to forgive anyone if you're still in an unforgiving situation. Your anger will definitely hinder any chance of forgiving those who have belittled you, abused you, threatened and harmed you and whatever else. I feel if you have the desire inside you to forgive the wrong that was or is done to you that you will forgive that person. Forgiveness comes from within yourself. Forgiveness is not forgetting the wrong - there are other ways of dealing with the wrong that someone has done to you. Forgiveness is looking at that person realizing that a tiny bit of love still exists for them just enough that you can forgive them. Without forgiveness there is just an empty soul.
  8. bluedressed

    bluedressed Community Champion

    My boyfriend, drunk at the time, way too drunk, the police were shocked when they took his alcohol levels, and I had decided to sleep in our car after an evening in the bar. I locked the doors for safety; it made him paranoid. He took the key from me. He then lost it, and thought I was gonna kill him. He attacked me. I bit him and all to get him off, pushing as I could. I remember him kicking me in the face against the window and him hitting his own side of the window to ask for help. It was a nightmare, I was scared to death. Situations turning violent on both sides had already happened and I thought this time it is for sure the last, I am giving up on him.

    But then I did not. He gave up drinking completely from this point on. At first, I wondered how I had any self respect to stay in this relationship and forgive. But the relationship really did get better and we both wondered why he had not stop drink long, long before.
  9. hellonamesdana

    hellonamesdana Senior Contributor

    My mother has this tendency to believe that alcohol lets her be herself, and that she can't be herself without it. No matter how much we tell her that she's ruining her life by drinking, she won't quit. I don't think that is ever going to quit at this point, and as sad as that might be I know that it's just not going to happen, and I know that I just have to give up on her ever giving up on alcohol. It's more important to her apparently than having a better relationship with her one and only daughter.
  10. bluedressed

    bluedressed Community Champion

    This is heartbreaking. She must have a lot of self-issues that she does not want to face; her demons look like they got the better of her a long, long time ago, then. It's just so sad to know that some people let themselves be erased behind their addictions, as if they were nothing but.

    That is also heartbreaking. In a more raw and real, punching way.

    I'm sorry.
  11. MrsJones

    MrsJones Community Listener Community Listener

    Is it your plan to stay within this environment until your mother does have a better relationship with you? I'd say that has got to be extremely difficult or do you feel obligated to stay because she is your mother?
  12. JennyHeart

    JennyHeart Member

    I'm trying to forgive my late husband. I think I have but then I'm not sure. He was drinking while he was driving I found out 3 years ago and was killed in a motorcycle accident. He had no helmet on plus found alcohol in his system. I'm angry he done that to all of us. I'm try to think of him in heaven looking down and hoping we can all go on with our lives by first forgiving him for drinking while driving.
  13. RoseK

    RoseK Active Contributor

    It is my goal to forgive my sister who is living with schizophrenia...We both have mental illnesses that we are battling which have also caused some deep rifts between us. I think the key to forgiving the past is to acknowledge what happened in the past and then make the conscious choice to forgive. I've found it too easy to live in the past..even painful memories instead of the present moment. But for my own sanity, at least, I've had to let all the ickyness and insanity in my past go and just keep trying to live better.
  14. lucyarty

    lucyarty Member

    I have forgiven my dad for completely neglecting me during my teenage years, which led to me being very depressed and making some terrible decisions. I used to be so angry with him, but as I've got older I've come to have a better understanding what a dark place he must have been in, and that it didn't mean he didn't care about me. It helps that he said sorry. My mum treated me similarly, and has never apologised or acknowledged it, and I am finding it harder to forgive her.
  15. bluedressed

    bluedressed Community Champion

    I understand how complex this might feel. I know people whose loved ones were victims of drunk driving never quite forgave the driver; the fact that the driver, the guilty one, is also the victim, your loved one, really must make for confusing feelings, especially in the mourning period... It does not sound responsible of him; but I'm glad you are trying to let go of the anger and trying to focus on more positive thoughts.
  16. RoseK

    RoseK Active Contributor

    Letting anger and regret linger can actually destroy your body and mind especially if you are trying to recover and become healthier. The trick (which can seem impossible) is let go of it for yourself and no one else. I don't personally know you, but I want to let you know I'm pulling for you. One of my favorite mantras is: "No one is an island." Cheesy, I know but it's true.
  17. bluedressed

    bluedressed Community Champion

    I never actually got the "No man is an island". I get that it is supposed to mean we are all connected, right? But it just does not speak to me and I'm not able to relate to it.

    I think I remember a quote about how anger was like a poison that you drank and hoped it would make the person you're feeling resentful about feel bad, but it really just destroys you.
    RoseK likes this.
  18. hellonamesdana

    hellonamesdana Senior Contributor

    It is heartbreaking, but it's also the reality of my life and it has been the reality of my life for the past fifteen years, or at least that's really as far back as I can remember to her being such a selfish, horrible person. It's always been like this and honestly at this point in mine and her life, I don't see her changing as much as I desperately want her to change for me.
  19. RoseK

    RoseK Active Contributor

    I like your analogy better :)
  20. Winterybella

    Winterybella Community Champion

    The only thing I can think of is lies. Most of those I know involved in drugs have lied to me at one time or the other. I imagine in the grander scheme of things lies are rather insignificant, yet I hate being lied to.

    I am quite the forgiving person, so at this stage I can't think of any thing that an addict might do where I would not be willing to forgive.