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What signs should I look for?

Discussion in 'Cocaine' started by L_B, Dec 12, 2015.

  1. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    My spouse had a cocaine addiction in the past, before we got together. It was his drug of choice. Someone told me that he was using again. I have noticed things lately that make me suspect that just may be the case. What signs should I be looking for? I have never taken drugs in my life so I have no idea. I just know that he goes through a lot of money is a short period of time and lies about it when I ask what he spent his money on. I know when he is lying but yet he thinks I am too stupid to know that he is lying.
  2. Tsky45

    Tsky45 Community Champion

    I think you already saw the signs. If he's going thru money fast and lying about what he's spending it on, then that's the sign. There's really nothing else to look for besides stealing, but this only comes after he runs out of money. I think you should have a talk with him if your concerned.
    L_B likes this.
  3. Sparkster

    Sparkster Community Champion

    The effects of cocaine are not very long lasting. If he's high on cocaine then he'll be on top of the world, in a good mood and will stand tall and proud with plenty of self-esteem... until it begins to wear off. He may then become frustrated and irritable and will start craving for more. Signs to look out for will mainly be behavior related, although you may want to look out for habits of sniffing and/or rubbing his nose regularly. If he's using that much, it's also possible that his nostrils may become a little redder or sore. Appetite will also be suppressed when under the influence. Disappearing or going off somewhere at regular intervals may also be a sign. If he doesn't have a problem then he should be able to spend a significant amount of time with you uninterrupted whilst being comfortable. If he gets restless or agitated after being with you for a certain length of time and needs to go out or take a break all the time, then that's also a sign.
    JonnyMacdonald and L_B like this.
  4. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    Thanks for your replies and yes they were all the signs I was seeing. I talked to him last night and he actually admitted he has been using cocaine and has slipped back into his old ways. Even though I thought he was it sure hurt coming from him. I don't know what to do now. I feel numb. I am so disappointed in him. I just need time to process this all in my head.
  5. kgord

    kgord Community Champion

    I am sorry that must be difficult to deal with. I hope he wants to get help, and there is plenty of help out there. At least he has come clean about using...and if he it admits it is a problem an change worthy behavior hopefully he can get some help with this. It may be something that can change...relatively quickly.
    L_B likes this.
  6. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    It is very difficult to deal with. I have been crying since he told me. I can't even look at him without feeling disgust. I hate feeling this way. The alcoholism was bad enough to try to deal with but now the cocaine. I feel that this is the final straw for us. He has so many issues and I have always been supportive and understanding. I have fought for him when people spoke badly of him. I even ruined my relationship with my son for him. I always defended him and for what? Turns out everyone was right all along. :(
  7. Sparkster

    Sparkster Community Champion

    Try not to let those feelings of disgust get to you. He's openly admitted it to you and that is a major first step in the right direction. Most addicts will usually put up a wall of denial and are unable to admit they have a problem. Admitting that you have a problem in the first place is probably the biggest hurdle in overcoming addiction. If it makes you feel bad, just imagine how bad it must feel for him. Addiction is not about getting high and enjoying yourself, not when it becomes a real addiction. Many addicts often feel ashamed of themselves, disgusted at themselves and fear having to face their addiction every day and those feelings often leaving them craving more highs in order to block those feelings out. It's a vicious cycle. All you can do is show him what he's doing to himself (and you) and guide him in the right direction. From thereon, it's down to him to sort his life out. He needs to think deep and hard about what he really wants in life and whether its worth the fight.
  8. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    Thanks @Sparkster . I am trying. I know it took a lot for him to tell me because he lies about everything. This is the first time he has been honest with me in who knows how long. I can only help him so much if he doesn't want to help himself. He already told me that he would not make a choice between me or the drugs. That if I gave him that ultimatum that he would pick the drugs. That hurt like nothing I have ever heard before. He told me needs me to stand by him, not walk away but right now the drugs mean more to him then our relationship does. Hard to compete with a statement like that.
  9. Sparkster

    Sparkster Community Champion

    That to me sounds like he already feels defeated by his addiction and that he believes that it is his fate. Of course, beliefs are everything and until he changes that belief system and realizes that he is in control of his own destiny, then he is sealing that fate for himself and is doing nothing to help it. In other words, he already believes that he is going to die a lonely drug addict and that nothing can change that and that belief is going to make it happen. If he chooses drugs over you then you have no reason to stand by him because he is not standing by you. That is not mutual respect. You should tell him that he either grows up now and wakes up to the real world otherwise no-one will stand by him.
    L_B likes this.
  10. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    This is where I become so confused. Some people tell me that I need to stand by him no matter what, that I am wrong to walk away from him no matter how miserable my life is even when he chooses drugs over me and our relationship. It is as though I have to give up my life and my happiness to keep struggling with him and his addictions. Sometime I can't help but think, if he doesn't care then why should I? He is well aware of what he is doing. He is not high every day. Maybe I just don't understand the whole addiction thing.
  11. Sparkster

    Sparkster Community Champion

    I have never ever known a drug addict who could get through a whole day without feeding their addiction unless they absolutely had no choice and even then, they would suffer all day and drive themselves mad about it and believe me, I've known a lot of addicts. I also used to be one. Having had a cocaine addiction in the past myself, I have to say, this does not sound like addiction. It sounds more like a persistently selfish personality and that everything has to be either his way or not at all and that taking cocaine is a part of that choice. Either that, or he has an addictive personality and will go through phases of being addicted to things. What was his attitude like when he wasn't taking cocaine? In my opinion, he should be standing by you no matter what and not the other way round. You do not have anything to prove to him whereas he needs to prove that he loves you and is willing to make the effort. Standing by him while he feeds his addiction would technically make you an enabler and that is bad.
  12. xTinx

    xTinx Community Champion

    You just have to confront them about your suspicions. However, make sure to line up your arguments in advance so that rather than evading your questions, he'll end up confessing the truth. They say there's pressure in numbers so you may ask relatives and other family members to accompany you during the said confrontation. Your husband still needs support and understanding despite what he did.
    L_B likes this.
  13. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    He does have an addictive personality and has been addicted to many things over the years. I don't think he gets high everyday but I don't know that for sure. I don't know what signs I should look for. How he would act. If it has been going on for over a year and I didn't notice then it is possible he does it more then I am aware of. He goes to work and comes home what he does on his way there and his way back I have no way of knowing. I really don't know how bad it is.
  14. Jasmine2015

    Jasmine2015 Community Champion

    I think you hut the nail on the head. You can only do so much for him. You can only provide so much help unless he is willing to get himself some help. The man is grown and needs to take responsibility for his actions. I don't known of it was the drug talking or not but if he admits or makes you have the feeling he will pick the drug over you then that should tell you something about this person. Just make sure you are OK emotionally so you don't become drained of your energy.
  15. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    Thanks..I am afraid that I have already reached that point. I have never in my life felt so drained. I remember back when we first got together. My daughter was talking to her friends father who knows my husband. She said that we were dating back then and he said to her, "He is a nice guy but tell her to get away from him. He will destroy her life." She told me that and of course I defended him and he is not the first person to say that. I have heard it many time from many people who knew him in the past. I only wish now I had listened.
  16. tyannaaa_

    tyannaaa_ Member

    The use of money so quickly and the lying are basically signs that he is using again. Also, in his behavior too. He is trying to keep it on the down low but, you already can tell that something is wrong.
  17. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    If funny how just a short time ago I don't know the signs but now I see them all so clearly. He knows that I know he is using and he still tries to hide it from me but I can tell. I have tried to help him and he doesn't want help. I have cried so much in the last little while. I am sad. I am angry. I am mad as hell but I stay because I feel I have to. Everybody keeps telling me that I need to stick by him and not leave him but he tells me that he is going to do as he pleases whether I like it or not. The lying will never end. The pain will never go away. My entire life has become filled with sadness and anger. I long to be that person I was before the drugs and alcohol consumed our lives.
  18. henry

    henry Community Champion

    Coke use can be very obvious, but it really depends on how much the person has had. If the person had a lot, you can tell by how fast they talk, constantly rubbing their noses, making faces, etc. They get very jumpy.
  19. johnyork

    johnyork Active Contributor

    Relapse remains a threat even decades into recovery. Given the chronic nature of the disease, it is wise to educate yourself about the signs of relapse and encourage your spouse to get help if you detect a problem. Although an estimated 40 to 60 percent of addicts relapse, a return to old habits is not inevitable. Even those who do relapse but get help immediately are often able to jump right back into their recovery.
  20. Adrianna

    Adrianna Community Champion

    That is kind of how it works. The lying. If he is, he is just trying to cover his tracks. One kind of goes with the other, protecting the using. The signs. Facial jerks, widened eyes. Nose sniffling. A wild intensity about the personality. Some are messy with it. You might see traces of the white powder near his nostrils or on his shirt. But he might not use around you for fear you will notice. He knows you are not into drugs at all so I would say he will be very careful.
    You said he thinks you are too stupid to know. This with many scenarios is how we kind of think at first but really it's not that way. It's more like he is being stupid, his actions are stupid. He "thinks" he is being smart and slick but when someone is as obvious as he is being. It's more like his own stupidity. He just thinks he can fool you and that he is clever. It is an insult to your intelligence and it makes you feel like he thinks you are too stupid. What you should take into consideration is that using cocaine lowers intelligence so don't take offense. It's he who has taken some mental steps down by going back to it.
    Hopefully by now the issue is resolved.
    I see your post on january 19 2016. It continued. Well, I hope for now maybe not. But let's see. You are angry, sad, and you have cried. Dealing with another's addiction can have that effect over another. It's tough. He says he will do as he pleases. Other people tell you to stick by him. Not a very nice scenario. He must know it makes you feel angry and sad enough to cry. This is an element of sadism, it's not love really. If you love someone you want to make a life that keeps both of you happy. This is not right to allow this. It is not right for him to cause this pain or for you to accept it in any way.
    I would suggest the groups for people who are attached to people who have issues like this. A friend of mine's husband was an alcoholic. She went to al anon. I would say this helped both of them. I don't know it's tricky the position you are in. I always try to say someone should stick by a spouse but what he is doing is illegal. I would say you should decide what you want and stand your ground. No ultimatum, just state the facts and hope for the best.
    Hope it works out for both of you in a better way.