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What's left to do....

Discussion in 'Helping an Addicted Loved One' started by MyOCDisMild, Jan 10, 2015.

  1. MyOCDisMild

    MyOCDisMild Member

    By family has been trying to find a place to take my uncle for some time now. There are several issues, one being money. He's burned a lot of bridges, so not everyone is willing to invest any money in helping him get clean. Some can't afford it. Either way, I've come to the conclusion that until he wants to get help, he won't get any better.

    I've been trying to get a better understanding of his addiction and how to better help him because it's at the point now that I watch the news diligently, waiting to hear news that he's been murdered or found in some flop house, OD'd. I need to know what could make a normally caring and dedicated man turn him into some raging addict that would turn his back on his family just to get high. A big part of my is really angry with him. No matter what he's done, I've done whatever was humanly possible to try and help, sometimes putting my own issues on hold or on the back burner, and he still goes back to it.

    I don't know if I'm being unreasonable, and sense I've never been addicted to any substance ( aside from tobacco ) I don't truly understand what it makes him do, how it controls his actions and life. I've tried being empathetic, but truth is I honestly don't get it.

    I don't know if I should be washing my hands of the situation and concentrating on my own family, or if there's still some hope that he can crawl out of this hole.
  2. LostmySis

    LostmySis Senior Contributor

    The truth is that he will only get help when HE wants to--- you cannot help him if he does not want it. Many addicts have to hit rock bottom to seek help, and some hit rock bottom and STILL do not want to change. The important thing I noticed in your post is "i put my own issues on hold or on the back burner" and "should i concentrate on my own family"... the answer is: Always take care of you. Let your uncle know that if he ever needs to talk, or wants to seek help, you will assist him in getting into a program or rehab, but NEVER EVER put yourself in a situation that could affect your own life---marriage problems, money problems etc. Most of us family members who would look into a forum such as this are natural care givers and sometimes we often forget to take care of ourselves.

    There is something called "Detachment with Love" and you should research it and understand it. It is difficult to practice, but it will certainly help to keep your sanity. It is normal for families to be frustrated and angry, and it is frustrating for the addict who sometimes may not even remember the things he has done while intoxicated or using.

    Keep posting here, we are here for you. Check out some of the programs online and even go to a meeting to get an idea of the addiction---but do not make it your life. It is very easy to become co-dependent and make your whole life aobut the addict
  3. 003

    003 Community Champion

    I really agree to this. I don't care to someone even it happens that he's my sibling if he doesn't want to be helped. I wouldn't involved myself that hard if I know that my efforts would only be futile. But if someone would ask help from me, I would be really willing to share my all, just to be really able to help him. If someone would ask help from me, I would take half of sufferings to be mine, just to make it easier for him, just to help him. On the other hand, if he doesn't want any of it, I wouldn't waste any of mine.
  4. aimeep80

    aimeep80 Senior Contributor

    The thing with addiction is that it is a family disease. The family as well as the addict suffer. When a loved one is sick, we want them better and will do what we can to help them get better. Well, addiction is a sickness too, and even though your uncle started out using "innocently" enough, he didn't intend to become addicted. No addict or alcoholic wants to be addicted.

    I understand the anger and resentment you and your family have toward him. You wonder why a normally loving and caring person can change to a raging addict. It is because addiction clouds their judgement and changes them not only physically, but mentally as well.

    Never give up on your uncle, but also take care of yourself. Do not allow his addiction to control you. There is absolutely nothing that you or your family members can do to change him. He has to want to change and get well. The best thing you can do is tell him that when he is ready to get help, that you all will do your best to help him but until then you will not do anything to feed his addiction.

    Take care of yourselves and never put yourself on the back burner. I highly suggest some type of support group for you and your family. The support groups will teach you so much and will help you all obtain a sense of peace. Best wishes to you and to your uncle!
  5. Tremmie

    Tremmie Community Champion

    I feel so sorry about your uncle, this kind of story keeps repeating itself over and over though, so please don't feel bad about it. It happens very often, most drug addicts do what your uncle and turn their back to their own family, drug addicts are the most selfish being on heart, they don't care about anything else but getting high. I should know because I was one.

    I don't have any advice for you, your uncle needs to want to be helped, it sounds to me like he is not ready to be helped. So I am very sad to say all you guys can do right now is let this run its course... I'm so sorry, but this is the reality we have to face when dealing with addicts.
  6. remnant

    remnant Community Champion

    The fact is that some people have to be saved from themselves. Your uncle seems to belong to this category. First, you have to realize that you can't change him alone. The problem is multifaceted. Start with his workplace if possible and see whether his employer can intervene and talk to him in order to get to the bottom of his problem. You can also talk to the authorities. They are also human beings and depending on their flexibility and and operational protocol, they can issue summons and caveats to him and put him on mandatory probation.
  7. tgthewriter1

    tgthewriter1 Member

    Drugs tend to num the pain. Most people, do not want to feel the pain. The pain of dealing with people who insult you everyday. The pain of dealing with a family that say mean things about you. The pain of dealing with racism or unfair treatment. Nobody wants to feel the pain anymore. The pain is too much to deal with. If you had peace and quiet, you wouldn’t need drugs. But, peace and quiet is something you have to pay for these days. Most people can not afford to pay for it. So, they choose to indulge in drugs or something similar. Your uncle might want to use drugs because he does not have it together. When you do not have it together, people treat like trash. I do not have it together but I’m trying to piece it together. It’s so much you have to do. I understand how your uncle might feel. Nobody wants to feel the criticism. Especially, at a very large scale.
  8. Sealpikachu

    Sealpikachu Member

    I am really sorry you are having trouble with your uncle. Like others have said, he needs to accept he has to get better at first. I had a similar experience with my own uncle as well. He started it out of curiosity and ended up hitti rock bottom. Thankfully, his children snapped him out of it. When people started threatening to take them away he decided he had to get better. It was not easy and he dropped out of rehab at least five times but so far he has left two of his three addictions (alcohol is still hard for him) and is on the road to recovery. Never give up om your family member! Remind them they are stronger than they think and more important than they know.