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When do you know it's time to step away?

Discussion in 'Helping an Addicted Loved One' started by Amalittl, May 17, 2018.

  1. Amalittl

    Amalittl Member

    I will do my best to keep this short but really hoping someone who has gone through this has some advice.

    My husband and I have been married for almost 7 years (married at 19) and together for almost 10 years all together. My husband was prescribed Vicodin and Soma's (100 each!!) when he was only 17 and we were dating. I was young and clueless to what could come of that which was a severe addiction. To make matters worse he does also have a lot of childhood trauma I feel contributing to his abuse. His pill abuse didn't really come to light until 2 years into our marriage when I became pregnant with our first son. He began going through his scripts within days of getting them. He would nodd out and start intense fights with me but not even remember what he said 5 minutes ago. Also found out he was abusing Xanax at that point. After a lot of talks and threats he eventually got off Soma's and xanax but continued taking Vicodin bc he insisted he needed them for back pain and would make me extremely guilty at the thought of making him quit those. Cue where the manipulation began. Alittle time goes by and I began monitoring his pills to ensure he wasn't abusing. Things seemed good. Until he lost his job, which he loved, suddenly. He then had to get a new one h didn't care for and that's when it all really went downhill. He began lying about money and buying pills on top of his prescription. Our bills were going unpaid and we were losing everything. I ended up getting pregnant and having our second son, and he actually got his old job back he loved so I convinced myself things were gonna get better. They didn't. He continued lying and buying pills, but when I would confront him he would totally turn it on me and threaten to leave me bc he couldn't handle me always accusing him and just completely would mess with my mind making me question if I was being dramatic or crazy. Until I literally would have absolute proof and then I'd get a little "sorry" and that was it. And then it would just happen again and again. I was a stay at home mom this entire time, something we both agreed to. This past November I got a part time job working 3-5 hours a night after he got home so he had to watch the kids. In December he started an argument with me and I laid down to go-to sleep, I was awakened by police calling me that he was pulled over and arrested for driving high with my son in the car at 11:30 at night!!!! I stupidly stayed but told him this was it he had to get clean or it's over. About two weeks later I come home from work to find him literally passed out on my floor next to some puke and my 4 yr old telling me he can't get daddy to wake up. I woke him up and he FLIPS OUT on me! That was the first time I took the kids and I left for the night. I came back under the condition of no drinking or using any kind of substance. I also left my job because I honestly didn't trust leaving him with the kids. That lasted shortly before he started guilting me that he deserved a beer every now and then bc he works 60 hours a week. I know how stupid it sounds but he made me feel so guilty that I actually said he could drink some beer but no liquor. Since then I find empty bottles of liquor around the house almost every week and when he drinks he acts like an asshole idiot. Brings me to this past weekend where he was drunk (according to him he wasn't though) and he was mad at his family and I told him well I think you have no right to be mad. That set him. He went 0-100 and told me I had to leave and pack my stuff (because he is the only working so nothing is mine it's all his) he also got in my face and actually shoved me this time. Closest he's ever gotten to being physical. It was all in front of my 4 yr old. I did leave for the night and came back only bc I don't have many options on where to go as I am a stay at home mom with no income and we share a car. He is now showing signs of using again just by his attitude. He is constantly bringing up the fact that he's been clean since the new year (supposedly) and how I need to give so much credit for it and he's just being extremely defensive. This past weekend during our fight I asked if he was using again and he has not stopped bringing up the fact that I dare mention him possibly using again. I just don't when it's enough. If it was just me I'd be gone. I feel like for my 2 sons I owe It to try to make it work. It's hard bc when he's not using he's good, he does work and support our family butI feel like I'm in a mental prison. I have so much anxiety about his abuse and if he's using again, if he's taking our money and using it for pills again. He constantly lies and makes me feel guilt because "i just don't understand and im not trying hard enough to understand." How do you know it's salvageable? If it is how do I help him when he won't even see he's the problem, he honestly thinks it's everyone else. He is the definition of someone who plays the victim card.

    Sorry for the length and thanks for any advice.
  2. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Amalittl thanks for posting. Sorry you are going through this. It may be salvageable but only if he want to quit. And he may need professional help to get free. It sounds like he is not willing.

    You have various options. You can stay, leave, start planning your exit, separate, etc. You may consider going to a support group like naranon. Or see a counselor so you can work through this time with professional assistance.

    Physical abuse is never ok. And your kids safety is y o ur primary responsibility....

    Addicts are manipulative and can be controlling and liars... your task will be to take cAre of your emotional health ....setting boundaries and keeping them.

    Does this help at all?
  3. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    Welcome to the forums, @Amalittl. And thank you for sharing with us. I'm sorry to hear about the struggles you're going through with your husband. Being with someone who battles addiction is incredibly challenging.

    Dominica has given you some excellent advice. If your husband is still using, he can stop; but he has to be the one who wants to stop. It doesn't matter how much you want him to stop. Like Nar-Anon and Al-Anon teach us about our addicted loved one: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

    The anxiety you feel makes it sound to me like you've become addicted to your husband's addiction. When the constant anxiety, doubt, and fear start taking over your brain, that's when you start to suffer immensely. I would highly recommend that you start practicing some radical self-care and focus on making yourself feel better. Go to a Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meeting. Being around others who know exactly what you're going through and feeling can be incredibly helpful and comforting. And take time to do things for yourself and your kids. You and your sons should always be at the top of your priority list.

    Dominica is also correct when she says that physical abuse is never okay. If your husband gets physical with you again, I strongly suggest that you call the police. I would hate for any abuse to get out of hand in the future.

    I know you said that you feel like you owe it to your two sons to try and make this relationship work. But you also have to consider what negative impact the relationship could end up having on your boys. I know it's a tricky situation, but it's important that your boys grow up in a safe and loving environment. If things don't change, you may need to make some difficult decisions.

    We're here to offer help and support anytime you need it. You are not alone. I will keep good thoughts for you and your family and am sending you lots of hope.