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When Is The Right Time To Leave?

Discussion in 'Helping an Addicted Friend' started by Rainman, Jul 26, 2015.

  1. Rainman

    Rainman Community Champion

    When leaving if it's possible one should move to another State or a small town where the addict can't find them. It isn't just about safety. If it's peace you seek, you don't want the person you want to be away from knocking on your door every day begging you to give them just [one more] second chance, making promises that they'll change, etc, etc.
    MrsJones likes this.
  2. MrsJones

    MrsJones Community Listener Community Listener

    @Rainman. I didn't want to be the one to say that but it needs to be said. Moving some place where word can get back to the addict you're distancing from should definitely be kept in mind. Circles do overlap in the strangest places. Give yourself time to regroup by staying off social sites for a while except for here of course.

    Good post @Rainman.
    Rainman likes this.
  3. healey

    healey Member

    I'd say you should have multiple open talks with them, letting them know it's seriously detrimental to the relationship. Explain that it's really having a negative effect on your dynamic, and it's unsustainable. Depending on how long you've known or been with the person, I think it's only fair to give them a chance to change, but don't stick around if they continue to lie, or continue their actions for a lengthy period of time.

    Like others have said, it's also a personal decision. Sometimes, a one-time outburst is enough for a person to want to leave another person.
  4. DangerSuit

    DangerSuit Member

    Leave at the time not most suitable for you, but at the time that will deliver the maximum shock to that person's system to jolt them out of their addiction (unless the relationship is abusive, then leave immediately).

    Sometimes the best thing you can do for a loved one is put them through so much pain that they realise there are more important things than the drink or the drugs.

    But don't keep your distance too much, you will want to be able to check on them to make sure your departure has not pushed them over the edge.
  5. achexx84

    achexx84 Active Contributor

    I recently had to eliminate 2 friends out of my life because one of them has such a bad alcohol problem, while his girlfriend enables him on a regular basis. He called me last weekend and asked that I come hang out with him because he was drunk and worried that he would do something stupid while he was alone. I went over and talked to him about his problem. He flat out told me he wasn't going to change, and that people need to accept him for who he is. He said he doesn't want to quit drinking and that it makes him who he is. So, when his girlfriend came home, I told her about our talk and then he asked her to help him to the bathroom so he could pee. She had to hold him up, as well as help him aim because he was so drunk. Mind you, this was at 1130 am. She called his grandparents and they picked him up. She said she was done with it, wanted him out of her house. The next day, he was right back home. He called me again asking me to come hang out. I said no. I am not going to sit there and watch someone get wasted on my only days off and to call me when he was sober. He went off on my wife, told her what a piece of sh-- I was and started making comments about her mom, who just passed away. I told him our friendship was over and to never contact either of us again. I told his girlfriend the same thing. I said you can't keep asking for help, and then going against the help that's offered over and over again. When you decide to live your life (she's only 24 years old) and not put up with the verbal and sometimes physical abuse, reach out to us again. But we cannot and will not be there for someone who is going to be abusive when we have done nothing but be supportive. I haven't talked to either of them since.

    Sometimes, you have to hit rock bottom and lose it all for anything to make sense. I hope she gets the help he needs, and I hope she gets the life she deserves.
  6. LovesBigFool

    LovesBigFool Active Contributor

    I like your quote as well. Never heard that before. "Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm". is great advice.

    Unfortunately, there are so very many people who stay devoted to addicts and cannot understand the simple fact that addicts will hurt you. Addicts will lie, cheat and steal as easy as breathing. It is wise to run, not walk away from them. It is as if some addicts are zombies continuously stalking the co-dependent and taking whatever they can from them.

    Just like in all zombie movies, there is always the character that just cannot bring themselves to kill their boyfriend/ girlfriend, etc. Co-dependent people enable the addict to hurt many other people as well.
  7. Dilof

    Dilof Member

    I'd definitely say whenever they decide they don't want to stop for the good of the relationship
  8. Momma9

    Momma9 Community Champion

    You should know your boundaries and what is best for you. Waiting around for things to change is usually not a good idea. Form firm boundaries and when they are crossed, act. It is hard and painful, but better for you in the long run. No one should allow themselves to be used or abused. Be strong and supportive, but protect yourself at the same time.
  9. MrsJones

    MrsJones Community Listener Community Listener

    Your experience is one that many readers should take to heart. I commend you for taking a stand and cutting ties but also leaving the door open in case things become better at least for her.
  10. Sealpikachu

    Sealpikachu Member

    I think the moment you start considering leaving is a good sign that you should. When you love someone and still think you should leave it just means you are hurting too much. It can be hard, but it might also be the only way of helping them you have left. Try to think of how both your lives would be affected if you left or chose to stay.