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When to stop seeing a friend?

Discussion in 'Helping an Addicted Friend' started by caparica007, Oct 8, 2014.

  1. caparica007

    caparica007 Active Contributor

    I have a long time friend, we used to do everything together, but now he's following (continuing) a drinking habit that I don't want to follow. I told him that I don't want that life anymore, but every time I am with him he seems to be drinking. Is this the end of the road for us?
  2. maryannballeras

    maryannballeras Senior Contributor

    If he's drinking so much, you might want to look deeper into it -- why is he drinking? Is he experiencing some problems that he can only forget while he's drinking? Let him know that whatever it is, you can help. If it becomes worse, he might need to get some professional help via medication or rehab, whatever will apply best. But the clear thing is, you don't need to end your friendship with him. This might even be the best time for you to stick together.
  3. Allen24

    Allen24 Active Contributor

    Maybe you could try making plans that don't involve drinking and see if he'll do them with you. If he refuses, you might have to distance yourself for a while. I agree that it sounds like he has a substance abuse problem. If he feels that you need to drink with him to hang out that's a negative relationship for you right now.
  4. stagsonline

    stagsonline Active Contributor

    Considering that he is a long time friend, I am sure you don't want to abandon him. Simply telling him that you don't want that life anymore won't help him or you either. What you need to do is show concern about his drinking habit as well as your friendship. Talk to him when he's not drinking and let him know that you are not comfortable with the habit. If he doesn't bother listening to you and yet you are friends, then you could give him some space. At some point he may realize that he's doing wrong and change his ways.
  5. caparica007

    caparica007 Active Contributor

    I believe he is drinking for the same reason I was, to have fun, to be in the night, the problem is when that is transported to every night and to the rest of the day, it's too much.
  6. atlantic

    atlantic Member

    If he's a close, long-time friend, it's hard to just sever the friendship, and he probably deserves a bit of effort.

    Show concern for him. Connect to him that how he's behaving how he is, and why, are things you felt yourself. Explain you need to look out for yourself too though and don't lose sight of that. It's important to keep yourself safe and healthy before you're worrying about other people's troubles too.
  7. TheKid

    TheKid Active Contributor

    I would say that since you started drinking together, you need to stop together. Take him somewhere where drinking is not an option and show him that he can have fun without drinking. Also, is he having a hard time such as family issues? That can contribute to his drinking problem, you should show him that you are there for him and that you care about him.

    Good luck!
  8. allswl

    allswl Member

    If he is drinking all the time or should I say most of the time, then as a friend you must call him out on it. You may have to take yourself away from him sine you are no longer heading in his direction. Remind yourself that you cannot make him want to change so take care of you.
  9. Nick W.

    Nick W. Community Listener Community Listener

    It might be the end of the road, or it might be the end of the road for awhile, but you have the right to live the life you want to live. As others have said, you can't make him change, not even "for you" but you can not be around to witness the destruction it causes. Make a clean break, don't go back on your judgement and when things change, reevaluate the situation.
  10. caparica007

    caparica007 Active Contributor

    It's like walking on thin ice showing concern without getting under someone's skin, but it's worth a shot, what's there to lose?
  11. Charli

    Charli Community Champion

    I think it's better to stick by your friend. If he really is addicted to alcohol then he probably needs you now more than ever, and this is not the time to disappear. Being friends with somebody entails you be together both for good and bad times. The only line that you should consider is if his habit starts endangering your own life, because even though you should be a good friend to him, it doesn't mean you need to sacrifice your life for his sake.
  12. ariana_

    ariana_ Member

    I would say if he starts driving drunk, ditch him. If you are in the car with him, it would endanger your life, and like other posters said, that friendship isn't worth risking your life for.

    Otherwise, I see no reason to stop your friendship. Perhaps if he is drunk, you can avoid him a little until he is sober. Maybe then you can try talking to him about his problem, be there for him, and perhaps help him through recovery. Recovery is a hard time and it would probably help for his friends to be there for him.
  13. LittleMissDee

    LittleMissDee Member

    Your friend, it is always worth while trying to pull them away from the situation or event that is considered over the top.
    It's unfair for you to join him in something that doesn't appeal to you, and makes you uncomfortable, you will soon naturally distance yourself from him on negative terms.
    Suggest the activities or hang out times so that drinking is not available and if he declines reschedule the outing until he would rather hang out on your terms rather then not seeing you at all.
    He might withdraw for a while, but keep up the invitations, even if you know/think he'll say no. Eventually he will given, a true friend will not hate you for not wanting to drink.
  14. jackslivi

    jackslivi Active Contributor

    I would for sure ask him what is going on. Causually bring it up to him when he does not have a drink in his hand. If there is something personal going on, maybe he will open up about it. If not, ask him if he finds you boring. He probably will tell you you aren't but make him a deal. Tell him you guys will do fun things from now on and literally go do them. That way you keep him busy and his mind off of the alcohol. If not, then you might just have to lay low for awhile. He will come around when he notices you are not there anymore.
  15. Rainman

    Rainman Community Champion

    While I could understand why you'd want to ditch your friend, getting out of his life would probably stress him out some more forcing him to bury the memories with a bottle. That would mean his addiction could get worse because his friend left him. This is pretty hard yeah, but there are ways you can be friends without being too close. Opt for that option and when he asks why you don't see him much, tell him that you're working on trying to stay sober because . . . give him that talk that's intended to get him to start thinking about quitting drinking.
  16. skullalif

    skullalif Member

    I don't think that there is a reason to stop seeing a friend, they might get needy, but there is no questioning that we are sometimes needy too at some point. I only stopped seeing a friend to help them have time alone to think, cause helping them all the time are not always "helping" if you know what i mean.
  17. JoshPosh

    JoshPosh Community Champion

    If your friendship means anything to you, it would be wise to give him a chance to change. Tell what your concerns are. Guide him. You don't have hold his hand. Just let him know where you stand, and if he doesn't listen, then he obviously chose the bottle over you. Then it's time to move on.
  18. caparica007

    caparica007 Active Contributor

    If someone is addicted I don't know if he will be willing to listen to our concerns, maybe it's wiser to express our concern in the form of questions to him?
  19. sarahxalex

    sarahxalex Member

    I know that you don't want to go down this bad road with your friend but maybe it is a cry for help. Maybe try to figure out what is really going on and why he is drinking so much. Sometimes it is hard to open up to people, even when we have known them for years, some people just struggle and as a friend it is our job to make the environment safe and help them understand that we are there for them no matter what. Now if he isn't willing to take your help then maybe you guys need a break from each other and maybe he will realize what his drinking has done and seek help, either from you or professionally.
  20. mkCampbell

    mkCampbell Active Contributor

    I'm at the same cross roads with a good friend which is why I'm on this forum. I'm fighting the urge to walk away after many attempts of reaching out to help. All bail money jokes aside, and late night phone calls, if he does not want help after years of trying then is it worth my well being to keep taking the hit? It's a struggle but you go through a few months of everything being ok and then the arrest, the fight at a cookout, the injuries from falling down drunk, the insults, threats, the talk and fight about rehab, the getting better, the apologies, the cycle starts over again. I'm worn out!
    caparica007 likes this.