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When to stop seeing a friend?

Discussion in 'Helping an Addicted Friend' started by caparica007, Oct 8, 2014.

  1. mkCampbell

    mkCampbell Active Contributor

    I think every situation is different when it comes to this. I know talking to my buddy about his drinking always leads to a fight. Yes, I drink as well, but I don't break things and get into fights. I think at some point every person has to hit a wall before they start listening.
  2. mkCampbell

    mkCampbell Active Contributor

    That's a great point. I have a friend who has become very disrespectful with bringing things into our home. We were grilling out and he fired up a joint with the kids nearby. I don't smoke, I don't smoke anything, cigs smell bad when other's smoke around me. But I was floored when out of no where he fired up one and acted like it was no big deal with all of the kids nearby. I was overly polite about it and he got real defensive until I pointed out my oldest was in the military and could not be around stuff like that.
  3. mkCampbell

    mkCampbell Active Contributor

    Yep, thanks for the thought. It's up to him for sure, I hope he comes around as I think his health may be an issue now.
  4. caparica007

    caparica007 Active Contributor

    Yeah, I hope he does because both the mental and physical health degrades and when he sees that hopefully he can reach out to you.
  5. caparica007

    caparica007 Active Contributor

    Thanks, he realized that already when we start growing apart. In fact he didn't change, I did because I felt it was enough for me, I just need to carry on with my life.
  6. tasha

    tasha Community Listener Community Listener

    That is a good idea and you need to take care of you. Offering to help him is a good friend but he also needs to see that he is in a bad place and you can remind him of that but that is all that you can do. Live your life and try to push him into the right direction on your way out.
  7. shandrum

    shandrum Member

    I know it is hard to see your long time friend or anyone you love drink excessively. It's hard to see that type of destruction in their lives. One can only show concern and offer help. But, like everything else, until that person is ready to accept that they have a problem, no action or intervention will be successful. So, maybe, approaching the matter with your friend right now and express your concerns. If he is ready, he will take his own action to get help. I know how hard it is to see this behavior. Stay strong and don't give up. But, keep yourself safe- maybe telling your friend that you don't feel safe when he is drinking excessively and let him know you are here for him in his sober moments.
  8. pchez01

    pchez01 Member

    I had a very close friend that was a drinker too and we used to drink together all the time but when I stopped he kept drinking. I had to cut all ties with him, it hurt me to my heart but he was not willing to stop and I just could not be around at all anymore. But my sobriety was my first priority.
  9. caparica007

    caparica007 Active Contributor

    Exactly what happened to me pche, sometimes we just need to follow our life regardless of our friends, we can't help anyone if we can't help ourselves.
  10. mkCampbell

    mkCampbell Active Contributor

    Congrats on your sobriety! It's wonderful to read your post about making that decision. Sorry you lost a friend but maybe one day they'll come to the same point in their lives.
  11. gmckee1985

    gmckee1985 Senior Contributor

    Yes, to be honest it probably is the end for your friendship. People aren't going to change until they realize that they must change themselves. I know this from experience. When someone you love is addicted, there's really nothing you can do to stop them. Eventually they are realize the harm they are doing to themselves and others and change, or they will just continue down the path of destruction.
  12. januz101

    januz101 Member

    I have been around a group of people whom I consider as friends but they are not as outstanding and model friends that they are. I was influenced by these so called friends into an alcoholic addiction which made my life miserable and dysfunctional. Friends should not be the one's that will drag you down instead they should be the ones to help you see your mistakes.
  13. Winterybella

    Winterybella Community Champion

    Long time friends should be able to talk things through and work things out. Sometimes it takes time and a lot of effort. It usually isn't easy when you have to call a friend out on practices that might be impacting negatively on their lives.

    It does not have to be the end of the road. Your taking a firm stand on the matter could be the beginning of a more meaningful friendship. I like to look at the more positive side of things.

    At the same time you and only you have to know when it's time to step back in an effort to save yourself and the friendship. True friends never leave each other entirely.
  14. Davienna

    Davienna Community Champion

    He is your friend, so before cutting him off completely just try to help him. He is an addict who has not yet come to terms with his addiction. He may be crying out but does not know who to turn to, as addicts are hard to confess their addictions if they are not confronted about them. Be careful not to be too judgmental, being that you were in a similar position, it is just that some of us have more self control than others. Be gentle and caring, just try your best with him until your best is not good enough, before ever considering to let him go if he was really a true friend.
  15. caparica007

    caparica007 Active Contributor

    Sure, I tried that, but sometimes we need to make a choice, save ourselves or sink with others, naturally we want to save ourselves.
  16. Davienna

    Davienna Community Champion

    In the event that you have tried everything and you have failed, then I guess it's time to move on.
  17. JessiFox

    JessiFox Active Contributor

    I don't there's any easy answer here, or necessarily a wrong or right answer that anyone can give you. You say you've been friends for a long time, but would you say that you are close? I'd say that if the friendship means much to you, you should give it a little time...try and be a positive influence for him. Maybe even just back off a little if he's really heavily into drinking right now, and try and revisit the friendship after a small break. But if he's a good friend, I wouldn't give up on it altogether.
  18. kima

    kima Member

    If you really treasure the friendship you guys have right now, you should try to help your friend. If you suddenly break off the friendship, that might exacerbate the problem. Ask him why he is drinking and try to be patient with him. He may feel stressed out or depressed, and may not want to think about his problems. If you have time, try to plan activities with him that do not include drinking. Maybe do something that involves the outdoors like biking or hiking. But if you know you've made enough of an effort to help him and he is not doing his part, then I'd say that it is okay to end the friendship there. At least you would have given him a chance.
  19. muthoni

    muthoni Active Contributor

    There must be something going on with him. Please try to find out what he could be struggling with. If you distance yourself from him, he could end up drinking more. You also have a right to enjoy a good friendship, therefore tell him that you are not happy with his drinking and ask him not to drink when you have plans. I guess I am giving my opinion because, I have a very good friend today who stayed by my side when I struggled with alcohol abuse.
  20. Nate5

    Nate5 Active Contributor

    Well, friendships come and go, it's just the way of life. Some people just lose touch and slowly drift away. However, what matters is YOU. If you think that your friend is a drain on your life and is unwilling to seek help despite your pleas, then it might be a good idea to distance yourself. If you think he's accepting of help, then it's up to you to decide if you want to help him. We don't know the entire story, so we can't make the decision for you, we can only give you advice.