When will it end

I can hear in your words you faced a lot of what I'm facing. I've always been overly dependent on him even when he's treating me like garbage-it's crazy. I've never had therapy because that meant having to admit something is wrong and I have never been able to admit what has been going on. What will people think, etc. When I worked at least I could see other people living normal lives. Not perfect but not this hell. Now that I am home all the time, I have no release to feel sorta normal. I got ot pretend like I had normal problems too like how our husbands were messy etc. I never told them my real reality. They would have been horrified. I just want a life without the focus of everything being his drug use and the only person who can do anything about it is me. He doesn't want to change or for me to chnge either. I will go to a meeting. Will my going to a meeting alert the authorities or anything?

I am a big ol morel mushroom scared to come out in the light. It's easier to stay in a bad situation that you are familiar with rather than take a chance and stand a chance at a life. Faith is something I've had too little of. Faith in the good things in life instead of the bad. Thank you deanokat. I need to work on gathering some faith and letting that old moldy damp but comfortable misery go

I do believe in God, just thought maybe He kinda gave up on me. But, it's me that gave up. I am scared, but motivated now at least. Your words of encouragement have meant so much to me. You will never know how much. I am not worthless and I do deserve a little happiness. I think when you are in the midst of the crazy you just can't think straight or make decisions. I've made some with you all's help. I deserve better. One way or another I am going to have a better life. I've let my illness hold me back too. Many with my disease live full lives and I am going to be one of them. Without all the stress every day I will probably do better on that front too. Thank you for the prayer. I've always thought it was up to him to make our lives better by stopping, but it is up to me apart from what he is doing-that is his and he can have it. I'm letting that addiction go. It's all his. One day at a time. I will check out the videos. I went to the library and got"The New Codependency." Wish I had done this sooner. Thank you

Thanks for the hugs. I'm scared, but I'm going to a meeting. You are a good person to help a stranger who is more thankful than you can imagine

Yes it has become a burden. And, instead of helping it just allows the same actions to contine. It also turns one into a bitter old woman. Someone I don't want to be. I don't want to be martyr. My husband tells me "not everyone is perfect like you." No, I have made a lot of mistakes. Not being a drug addict does not make anyone perfect. But, somebody has to keep everything going. He's going to have to learn to take care of himself. I'm going to take care of myself. I will help him if he asks, but I'm not going to be that person who nags and question him and searches for paraphenalia or any of that stuff anymore. It's not a marriage when you are caretaking. Always being there to help with the eventual withdrawals etc. I've had enough. Hedoesn't respect me and rightfully so. I'm going to have to expect respect and I will get it. It's a big change-but one I already feel so much better about. My clogged up brain is beginning to clear out.

Thanks deanokat. I have a feeling you're going to get tired of me. You all made it through and so can I. We all need help now and again. I was just too scared and ashamed before. Thank you for being here for me. Hopefully someone else will read this thread and find some comfort too.

On a side note, I just had a root canal and I was brave-I'm a chicken at the dentist.

Yes. It's like I just hit a wall and said I can't do this anymore. The definition of stupid is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I used to think that would be giving up ,but it's not. It's letting go

Yes I have anxiety at the dentist, but I just told myself I'm gonna have to braver about a lot of things.

You too Dominica. It's been great so far. Really focusing on uncluttering my life and enjoying myself.

Thanks deanokat. Sending that love and those hugs to you. I feel a little stronger every day. We all have dreams and it's up to us to make an effort to achieving them.