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When will it end

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by courage53, Sep 6, 2018.

  1. courage53

    courage53 Active Contributor

    I can hear in your words you faced a lot of what I'm facing. I've always been overly dependent on him even when he's treating me like garbage-it's crazy. I've never had therapy because that meant having to admit something is wrong and I have never been able to admit what has been going on. What will people think, etc. When I worked at least I could see other people living normal lives. Not perfect but not this hell. Now that I am home all the time, I have no release to feel sorta normal. I got ot pretend like I had normal problems too like how our husbands were messy etc. I never told them my real reality. They would have been horrified. I just want a life without the focus of everything being his drug use and the only person who can do anything about it is me. He doesn't want to change or for me to chnge either. I will go to a meeting. Will my going to a meeting alert the authorities or anything?
  2. courage53

    courage53 Active Contributor

    I am a big ol morel mushroom scared to come out in the light. It's easier to stay in a bad situation that you are familiar with rather than take a chance and stand a chance at a life. Faith is something I've had too little of. Faith in the good things in life instead of the bad. Thank you deanokat. I need to work on gathering some faith and letting that old moldy damp but comfortable misery go
  3. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @courage53 going to a meeting will NOT alert authorities. they are safe places to meet others in similar shoes and get some support.

    i find videos on youtube quite helpful... search codependency recovery and see.

    i believe in YOU. the you that you have lost through the years..... you've chipped away at her little by little over the years...and not it's time to CALL HER BACK. those parts of you that you've given to others... or life has taken... you are taking back your power little by little..... and i'm proud of you.

    and you are not alone.. i mean, so so so many women in similar shoes.. your age and well above... journeying toward a new life .... scared, but doing it.

    i pray you can begin leaning on god... (if you are a believer)... and others... :)
    courage53 and deanokat like this.
  4. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    Go to a meeting, @courage53. You are safe there. And you will find help and comfort from people who know exactly what you're going through and feeling. And never be worried about what people think. When you start putting what people think above what is best for you, you are doing yourself a disservice.

    Sending you big virtual hugs.
    courage53 likes this.
  5. courage53

    courage53 Active Contributor

    I do believe in God, just thought maybe He kinda gave up on me. But, it's me that gave up. I am scared, but motivated now at least. Your words of encouragement have meant so much to me. You will never know how much. I am not worthless and I do deserve a little happiness. I think when you are in the midst of the crazy you just can't think straight or make decisions. I've made some with you all's help. I deserve better. One way or another I am going to have a better life. I've let my illness hold me back too. Many with my disease live full lives and I am going to be one of them. Without all the stress every day I will probably do better on that front too. Thank you for the prayer. I've always thought it was up to him to make our lives better by stopping, but it is up to me apart from what he is doing-that is his and he can have it. I'm letting that addiction go. It's all his. One day at a time. I will check out the videos. I went to the library and got"The New Codependency." Wish I had done this sooner. Thank you
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  6. courage53

    courage53 Active Contributor

    Thanks for the hugs. I'm scared, but I'm going to a meeting. You are a good person to help a stranger who is more thankful than you can imagine
    deanokat likes this.
  7. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @courage53

    Good morning. Thank you for this update. I'm super glad to hear your optimism and that you've picked up the book the new codependency. I definitely think you'll get a lot out of that book, as it helped me out a lot. Also I think that you'll get some much-needed support at the meeting. I was totally nervous too the first couple times I went, but I found a group of people who were really welcoming.

    I'm glad that you are seeing that you are responsible for your life and he is responsible for his. It's one thing to be supportive of someone who is making an effort at creating a better life for themselves, but it's another to stay in a toxic or miserable relationship with someone who is not willing. Kudos to you for embarking on this new Journey for yourself.

    There's a book called intimacy without responsibility that I really like. I'm going to post a little paragraph that really speaks to me. I hope it speaks to you as well.

    {By Wendyne Limber}

    "I Am Here On This Earth For My Own Soul's Evolution - Not To Take Care Of You

    Love is not about taking care of someone else. Even though taking care of someone else could be rewarding, it usually becomes a burden sooner or later.

    Caretaking can become a disease. Most caretakers become martyrs and eventually become sick or addicted to something to take away the pain. When I care-take someone else, I get to not take care of myself. If I am caretaking, YOU are what I am always thinking about. I begin to worry, control, manipulate and hold in my feelings or I become angry and hurtful. Either way, it does not work and I am not whole.

    I am here on this earth for my own soul's evolution. I am here to take care of ME. And, I will let YOU take care of yourself. This does not mean that I will not help you or support you. I will figure out HOW to do that in the healthiest way that serves us both. Today I commit to my journey."
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  8. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    We're here because we care, @courage53. We know what you're going through is difficult because we've been through similar situations ourselves. Please don't hesitate to reach out to us anytime you feel the need.
    Dominica and courage53 like this.
  9. courage53

    courage53 Active Contributor

    Yes it has become a burden. And, instead of helping it just allows the same actions to contine. It also turns one into a bitter old woman. Someone I don't want to be. I don't want to be martyr. My husband tells me "not everyone is perfect like you." No, I have made a lot of mistakes. Not being a drug addict does not make anyone perfect. But, somebody has to keep everything going. He's going to have to learn to take care of himself. I'm going to take care of myself. I will help him if he asks, but I'm not going to be that person who nags and question him and searches for paraphenalia or any of that stuff anymore. It's not a marriage when you are caretaking. Always being there to help with the eventual withdrawals etc. I've had enough. Hedoesn't respect me and rightfully so. I'm going to have to expect respect and I will get it. It's a big change-but one I already feel so much better about. My clogged up brain is beginning to clear out.
    Dominica and deanokat like this.
  10. courage53

    courage53 Active Contributor

    Thanks deanokat. I have a feeling you're going to get tired of me. You all made it through and so can I. We all need help now and again. I was just too scared and ashamed before. Thank you for being here for me. Hopefully someone else will read this thread and find some comfort too.
    lonewolves, Dominica and deanokat like this.
  11. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    Glad to hear your brain is starting to clear out, @courage53. As human beings, we can only take so much before we have to make a change, ya know?
    lonewolves and courage53 like this.
  12. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    Not gonna happen, @courage53! :)
    lonewolves and courage53 like this.
  13. courage53

    courage53 Active Contributor

    On a side note, I just had a root canal and I was brave-I'm a chicken at the dentist.
    lonewolves and Dominica like this.
  14. courage53

    courage53 Active Contributor

    Yes. It's like I just hit a wall and said I can't do this anymore. The definition of stupid is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I used to think that would be giving up ,but it's not. It's letting go
    Dominica and deanokat like this.
  15. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @courage53 we won't get tired of you at all!!! come anytime and often. i think people appreciate reading other people's story....

    dentist's office can provoke anxiety, so kudos for being brave!!! :))
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  16. courage53

    courage53 Active Contributor

    Yes I have anxiety at the dentist, but I just told myself I'm gonna have to braver about a lot of things.:D
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  17. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @courage53 RIGHT ON!!!!

    Have a beautiful day....practicing self-care...loving yourself...enjoying YOUR DAY.
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  18. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    Sending you love and hugs today, @courage53! Go forward, be brave, and keep the faith!
    courage53 likes this.
  19. courage53

    courage53 Active Contributor

    You too Dominica. It's been great so far. Really focusing on uncluttering my life and enjoying myself.
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  20. courage53

    courage53 Active Contributor

    Thanks deanokat. Sending that love and those hugs to you. I feel a little stronger every day. We all have dreams and it's up to us to make an effort to achieving them.
    deanokat and Dominica like this.