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When you tried to help...

Discussion in 'General Substance Abuse Discussion' started by Rosyrain, Feb 17, 2016.

  1. Rosyrain

    Rosyrain Community Champion

    Have people exiled you from their lives when you tried to help them get off drugs or walk away from an abusive relationship? A friend recently walked away from me, and it really hurt, but I guess she just does not want help right now.
    kgord and djdrug like this.
  2. ChloeDawn

    ChloeDawn Active Contributor

    When I tried to get my husband to get help with his prescription drug addiction, he ignored me. He said he would start taking his pills only as prescribed, but that never happened. He began lying to me about how much he was taking. He refused to tell his doctor that he needed help. He started telling me I could not go to the doctor with him anymore and he made it a point to schedule his appointments when i was working and never tell me when they were. Eventually our marriage ended.
  3. 6up

    6up Community Champion

    Most addicts have always wanted to work with their fellow addicts so that they can be talking about their favorite beer brands or the drugs that they take. They usually don't realise that they need help until they have been affected by the drugs. They may avoid you because they think that you don't fit in their group or you will criticise their habit. You don't need to give up giving them advice.
  4. Tsky45

    Tsky45 Community Champion

    You can only help someone if they let you. Maybe now isn't the right time, hopefully she will come around. There's no point in beating yourself up about it, you tried to do the right thing. Sometimes people have to learn for themselves, and then make a decision to change.
  5. Rosyrain

    Rosyrain Community Champion

    I agree with you all. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink it. I find it sad that she has not seen the truth, but there is nothing I can do to change that. I just hope she wakes up someday.
  6. djdrug

    djdrug Community Champion

    This has happened to me once. And this person did not just walk away from me, he walked away from a lot of other people who were involved too. Look, most people don't want to be told what to do. They don't like being lectured or being "ambushed" via interventions. Also, many times when we think there is a problem, there might not be. Who knows. I think the best approach is to talk to this person once without making them feel like an addict and see if they think on some level that they should quit. And then try to get them to quit. Forcing someone never works.
  7. Coolkidhere

    Coolkidhere Community Champion

    Yes, this has happened to me a couple of times. My college best friend joined a fraternity. There she learned how to abuse alcohol, nicotine and other drugs. She became a completely different kind of person. She cuts classes, avoids me and eventually, quit school. She's okay now and has a family and we're in speaking terms already.

    But it still happened that addiction separated us and ruined her life. She didn't finish her college degree because of this incident. I missed my best friend and I lost her to addiction.
  8. darkrebelchild

    darkrebelchild Community Champion

    I would call it self denial; denying you have a problem and making an enemy of the person that wants to help you. It is normal but painful and you would wish you never said anything. I do not feel comfortable when someone is under the bondage of addiction or abuse, it makes me want to help but there is always a limit to everything.

    You cannot help a person who is not ready and willing to be helped.
    poogie likes this.
  9. MrsJones

    MrsJones Community Listener Community Listener

    Hi Rosyrain. I pray that you are doing well despite what has happened between you and your friend.

    I have not experienced losing a friendship to substance abuse only the closeness of relatives. One cousin in particular. I don't know if I would use 'exiled' but she doesn't visit me after she sought help from me and I had to turn her away because I was already dealing with my husband's substance abuse. Yes, that hurt too. I felt I had to make a choice and it wasn't a simple or easy one to make.

    Just keep your friend in your prayers and maybe things will turn around.
  10. Mara

    Mara Community Champion

    Some people react negatively when others are trying to help them. They think that you are being a busy-body and that you are meddling with their affairs. Just give it time. Your friend will someday realize (and I hope that she realizes it soon) that you are just trying to help, and what you are doing is all for her benefit. She's lucky to have a friend like you.
    MrsJones likes this.
  11. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    Sadly this happens far too often. You only want what is best for a person and they take it negatively and as a result friendships are destroyed I am sorry this happened to you. I hope so,e day the friend realizes you were only helping because you cared about them.
  12. Rainman

    Rainman Community Champion

    Some addicts, when they think you are nagging them to do something they aren't willing to will find it easier to cut you out of their lives. It most certainly will hurt since all you were trying to do is help but you have to remember drugs have a hold on this person and you should be willing to forgive them and be ready to offer support when they do realize that drugs aren't good for them.
  13. Rosyrain

    Rosyrain Community Champion

    Thank you @MrsJones your words are kind. It really hurts inside that this is happening, but I keep praying for her and hope that she sees the light one day and realizes that I am only there to help. We have known each other for about 20 years, but I have to put my family first.
    MrsJones likes this.
  14. kgord

    kgord Community Champion

    I have an addicted friend who is no longer in my life, but I really think it had less to do with me trying to help then just something about him. This is kind of a harsh testament, but not everyone who leaves your life is a loss. Not that it makes any easier when you are hurting, but it is really the truth. Sometimes people just can't or won't change.
    Rosyrain and MrsJones like this.
  15. Rosyrain

    Rosyrain Community Champion

    I noticed that some people come in to your life and turn it upside down like a complete trainwreck. It is crazy how some people can have the ability to just make everything go crazy. I love my friend, but this is kind of how it is with her. She is in a constant state of emergency and never accepts help to make her life normal. Her husband even feeds into it and provokes it sometimes
  16. irishrose

    irishrose Community Champion

    Attempting to help a friend or a loved one in need who does not want to receive help is a difficult situation. as you said, your friend may not be ready to receive your help at this point. However, if or when she is ready to receive help, she will most likely think of your offer and consider your help at that future point in time. While I am sure that it hurts to lose a friend at the moment, I am sure that it would hurt more to sit idly by as your friend's life is ruined by their addiction.
  17. Rosyrain

    Rosyrain Community Champion

    Well as an update, my friend has now decided to leave the state once again because she thinks that will solve her problems. She just came back here a year ago because she thought that would solve all of her problems. The thing she fails to realize is that moving is expensive and she could use all of that money to grow roots where she is now.
  18. kassie1234

    kassie1234 Community Champion

    I think sometimes when you offer help, people aren't ready to hear it. It's hard, especially when you don't want someone you love to get more hurt (whether it be drugs, bad relationships, or whatever the case may be).

    I think the best thing you can do is express your concern and let them know you're there for them if and when they want help. But it's one of those situations like the saying...you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink...
  19. remnant

    remnant Community Champion

    The greatest heroes in life do not conquer nations, they conquer themselves. Most addicts enjoy the fleeting pleasures of their drug. They are not ready to admit, leave alone to deal with their problem. Emotional addicts are the toughest to deal with since they have developed a sentimental relationship with their drug of choice.
  20. serenity

    serenity Community Champion

    That hasn't happened to me yet, but if ever I will be exiled because I was just trying to help then I have no choice but to accept it. You don't want to force yourself on someone that doesn't want to be helped, right?
    Anabanana likes this.