I'm here because I've spent almost my whole life battling my addiction. It hasn't destroyed me but it does exist, always in the background, 24 hours a day. I used to blame everyone else around me as a way to never put the responsibility on myself. Yes, I am a product of my surroundings. I had a rough childhood, difficult parents, and abusive relationships. I am not ashamed of my background, I am ashamed of the decisions I have made. I had the ability to be better than who I am today but I chose not to. I'm past blaming myself, now I just want to know why. Why is it that I am an addict? I don't exactly know. Maybe I need to be numb from the pain I experience every day. But I feel like if I had a better understanding of why I would be able to have better control of myself.