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Why can't I stay focused?Why do I sabotage myself?

Discussion in 'Alcohol' started by True concern, Nov 28, 2018.

  1. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Damnit.It would be easy to live a lie,to not tell on myself....BUT I simply cannot.My addiction's are still in check for the most part,I have been staying strong avoiding meth,heroin,cocaine,and up until the other day even alcohol. Yesterday I drank 2 beer's, today I drank 2 beer's. Did I get out of control?No Did I try to get more?No.Do I accept or believe that I can drink responsibly now?Fuc* No..I know better,I know the addiction is just trying to slowly trap me again and I can't allow it.I have let myself down...yet again.I just feel like a complete assho*e,some may read this and think 2 beer's big deal,I tried to convince myself of that exact thing yet I feel like a fuckin hypocrite.Tomorrow i start counting from day 1 yet again.

    lonewolves likes this.
  2. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    So for almost a year I've tried to outrun my addiction's...literally.When I first got sober I started running, night and day 2 a.m. 4 miles.... 10 p.m. 4 miles day after day night after night and it worked..i was Completely sober..then I blew out my knee,I stayed focused,I was told "After surgery you will run again"This kept my hope's alive.

    @Dominica asked me once "What will you do when you can't run anymore?"

    I guess I better start searching for that answer because 2 day's ago I found out I may never run again!!

    I expected to get told I could resume training, instead I got told to buy a bike...........................I don't want a damn bike I want to run!!

    Feeling lost again but I won't stay down this time,not again...yet I don't know what to do.
    lonewolves likes this.
  3. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @True concern

    Good morning. I'm sorry to hear that you might not be able to run. I know that can be incredibly frustrating and disheartening. I can say for myself that I've had to travel down that road and come to an acceptance of it. Unless a miracle occurs, which i'm open to. And so I got a bike lol. And you know what? I absolutely love biking! It allows me to see more and I just really love feeling the breeze. Biking hiking trails is challenging too... just saying!

    Go ahead and grieve if you cannot run again. But I also want to give you some hope that there other ways you can stay in shape and enjoy a good workout.

    As far as the drinking, i'm glad that you see that you are not out of the woods yet when it comes to that. As most of us know, the nature of addiction is that it's Progressive and two beers today and two beers tomorrow can turn into 6 and then 12 and then 18. I am super proud of you for coming here and sharing that with us. You know we will never judge you. Will be honest with you if we see a pattern or that we think you're falling into the apathetic and I don't care anymore mode. But you're always safe to share here and I believe your honesty is helpful for you. And, speaks to others...

    Please try not to beat yourself up today. As far as not knowing what to do, you did know what to do. You came here and you were honest and open about this. To hold that a secret would not serve you well. So you let those negative feelings go about it, and you get back on the road to recovery. Today can be day one again, but maybe not get caught up on the days so much. You're aiming for a lifestyle that is healthy for you physically and mentally. Change is a process and takes time, and you've made some incredible changes.

    Here's a link to an article that might give you some encouragement. I love how it says relapse may feel like the end of the world, but really, it's an opportunity for more growth. I wholeheartedly believe that!
    Liola likes this.
  4. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @True concern... I'm sorry about the possibility of not being able to run. What about walking fast? And for what it's worth, I love biking, too. Maybe it doesn't seem like your cup of tea at this point, but maybe you could learn to like it? We're human beings, and sometimes we have to adapt. It's not always what we want to do, but I think it's about survival.

    Regarding the beers... You and I know that you're likely flirting with disaster, even by having two beers two days in a row. Like @Dominica said, two can turn into six, which can turn into twelve, etc. You know how that beast known as addiction works: "Here, have a little. It's okay. It's just a little bit. You can handle it. It'll be fine." Next thing you know....

    Go easy on yourself, my brother. You recognized the red flags and came here to post. That's a wonderful thing. Just know that you need to take some action in order to survive. Because you're human. And know, too, that we are here with and for you. Support. Advice. Love. Encouragement. Hope. We've got it all. Plus we're good listeners, too.

    You're a good man, Arthur. And we care about you. So do what you have to do to right the ship--at this point it's only wobbling a little, but let's not let it capsize, eh?--and carry on. I know you can do it. :)
    Liola, lonewolves and True concern like this.
  5. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    So there is a little more to this story.On the same day I found out I may not run again...i also found out my granddaughter may have bone cancer..I have already lost a grandson to cancer this year and now to hear it may be coming to take another grand child...This more than the running is messing with me but for whatever reason I felt at the time it was about me..but it's not.I won't drink today,and I won't even start counting day's. I just want my granddaughter to not leave
  6. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    Oh, man. I don't even know what to say about this, Arthur. I will pray hard for your granddaughter. How old is she?
  7. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    She's 8 year's old
  8. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Thank you for the prayers
    deanokat likes this.
  9. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    I'm hoping and praying that she will be spared the cancer. No little person should have to go through that. Sending you and her love and hope.
    True concern likes this.
  10. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Thank you
    deanokat likes this.
  11. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    I still don't know the results from my granddaughter's test,I'm still very empty feeling right now about this,I don't really know how to express my thoughts and emotions right now and that has me worried, I am forcing myself to type right now because I just want to lock it up yet I know if I do anger and rage consume me,there is no one to blame for what's going on or nothing to point at and say "You hurt my granddaughter"I know that but I can't explain what I'm trying to say I'm just trying to say anything to not allow these emotions to settle in.I apologize this post makes no sense at all.

    I didn't drink today,even though that seems irrelevant at this time.I just want my granddaughter to not be sick.
    Dominica and deanokat like this.
  12. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    No apologies necessary, @True concern. You're dealing with a lot of emotions and sometimes it's hard to think straight in those situations. I'm very happy to hear that you didn't drink yesterday. Proud of you for that. And I will continue to pray and think good thoughts for your granddaughter. And for you.
    Dominica and True concern like this.
  13. lonewolves

    lonewolves Community Champion

    Awe man, I’m sorry you and your family are going through that right now. :(
    Dominica and deanokat like this.
  14. Liola

    Liola Senior Contributor

    Hi True Concern!
    guess what? I used to run marathons and half marathons. It was my drug. It was my life. I was younger, felt so healthy and happy and full of self esteem running. I always hated the first mile or so but loved the high i got from it...2 hip surgeries plus a revision later I cannot run. I can barely walk fast. I absolutely hate biking. I know exactly what you are feeling. I haven't found a good replacement yet. Just don't make the mistake i did and do absolutely nothing cause now I am so weak and have so much muscle loss that I am in the viscous cycle of doing nothing with no energy to start. And energy creates energy right? But I haven't been able to break the ice.
    The big huge difference? I don't know that I could have admitted, even hiding behind the keyboard on this site, that i drank or did a pill or whatever. My weakest link in my recovery and success in my life is my inability to be completely honest sometimes. You are very brave and because you are so honest, you will survive and thrive.
    I pray your granddaughter is ok and if she for some reason isn't and needs you then you for sure want to be able to be there. You can't if you are using. Dominica hit it...the progressiveness of our disease. It is doing push ups while you stay in self pity as you know I am sure. Don't feed that gorilla! Stay strong, and lean on us and vent here as much as you want.
    My personal intent is we are going to NC for the first time this year because I was relapsed and then that detoxing and when we get there in a couple of weeks I plan to start eating a strictly healthy diet and using the gym daily or at least a few times a week. I am going to pretend our home there is a spa for physical and spiritual health. We overlook the mountains and you can't help but be spiritual there!...we are actually 3600 feet up in the mountains there...after a 15 hour drive to get there with the dogs and all!
    But you will find your replacement!
    deanokat, Dominica and True concern like this.
  15. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    I hope NC goes well for you spiritually,emotionally, completely. Thank you for sharing and you point out something that I have been thinking about"My honesty".I try my best to be as honest as possible and I do struggle at time's with sometimes people tell me I'm to honest sometimes people tell me I'm not honest enough..Anyways all I'm saying is I try but this journey is going to be a long one and some thing's are easier to share than other's, I carry a lot of guilt but any more I try to push beyond that guilt because in my heart,mind,soul I am going to do my best to make amends for as much as I can and I have no doubt I may forget someone along the way but it won't be on purpose so I try I really do but I have a long way to go and God willing I will get there,it's great to hear from you have a blessed evening
    deanokat and Dominica like this.
  16. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @True concern I pray for your granddaughter too.... and declare she is a perfect and complete and healthy manifestation of God. :)

    @Liola cool that you used to run too! i never ran more than a 5K. i was a sprinter and a 5k was all i ever wanted to run haha. but i hear ya'll on growing pains... i don't run now either, but i do bike some.

    i still say YOGA is one of the best ways to exercise as we age. truly. i know it sounds whatever, but pull up some youtube videos and start doing some. try different instructors too..some are easy, and some are incredibly challenging, but there are many older adults who are in great shape due to regular yoga... :) even 15 to 20 minutes a day can help so much!

    just a thought. if you think of something else, let me know!

    yay about NC too! that will be great!
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  17. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    I didn't really sleep last night, I have a lot on my mind,unfortunately I still have not heard anything about my granddaughter and I am so worried about her...Today I will call and try to find out because I am apparently not going to receive an update unless I do
  18. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Thank you for the prayers, YOGA huh....ok I guess I will try some yoga,I just hope I don't fold myself up into a pretzel and get stuck :confused: lol
    deanokat likes this.
  19. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    Thanks for that visual, @True concern! :eek: