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Why can't you just stop?

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Alw, Jul 7, 2015.

  1. Alw

    Alw Member

    While I was growing up, my father was verbally abusive to me, my sister, and my mother. Eventually my mother decided that it was time to leave him. That was at the beginning of my fourth grade school year. It all went downhill from there. He started to drink. At first it was just like one or two cans of beer. Then it turned to five or six. It was out of control. He reeked of alcohol and was drunk most of the time. He lost the house. Lost his job. Lost his relationship with his family, with his daughters. He got out of rehab last summer. He is sober now but he's different. He's not my dad. I miss him.
  2. dyanmarie25

    dyanmarie25 Community Champion

    Hello @Alw! Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing your story to us here. Well, I am sorry for what happened to your father, and how his drinking habits and bad behavior affected your family. But it's great to know that he has finally sobered up now. I think you have just got to give him some time and space. Just be positive that he would go back to the same caring dad he was before.
  3. gracer

    gracer Community Champion

    Hi @Alw! You must have had a rough childhood, experiencing the effects of alcohol on your dad. How different is he now that he got out of rehab? Has he been unattached towards you?

    When you mentioned that you miss him, I sensed that you still care for him. Have you tried to approach him ever since he got out of rehab? What was his reaction towards you?

    I can only guess but all I can suggest is for you to try to approach him slowly and try to mend your relationship with him if you could. You may not be able to live together as a whole family anymore but you can still have a good relationship with your dad now that he's out from rehab.

    Maybe if he's still indifferent towards you right now, it could have been the effect of not being with you for a long time and that could be his form of defense against the emotions that he also feels inside him.

    I hope you guys would still have the chance to patch things up. I'll be praying for you. :)
  4. xTinx

    xTinx Community Champion

    Hello Alw! Well forgiveness and healing take time. You may harbor some resentment for your dad but at the end of the day, he's still your father. It was through him and your mother that you were born. I just hope that in time, you'd find it in your heart to forgive him for what he once was and give him the chance to be a father to you again. I wish you all the best and stay strong.
  5. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Alw... Thanks for sharing with us.

    As someone who grew up with an alcoholic father, I can relate to your story. My dad was also verbally abusive. All he cared about was his drinking and his business. I grew up hating my father. And I hated him until just a few months before he died.

    In some ways, I think you're lucky. I wish my dad would've gotten sober. I wish my mom would've left him, too. But neither of those things happened.

    When people get clean and sober it's not uncommon for them to change. My son was addicted for seven years, and when he finally kicked it he turned into a whole new person (in a good way). The situation with your dad may be a combination of things. One, he may indeed be a different person than he was when he was dependent on alcohol. And two, you may have grown so used to him and his alcoholic personality that this "new" dad of yours may appear to be drastically different for you.

    I like @gracer's suggestion that you reach out to your dad and try to connect with him now that he's sober. I also echo @xTinx's feeling about forgiveness. It may take time, but I highly recommend trying to forgive your father. I finally forgave mine, but it was 40+ years later. I was glad I was able to forgive him, but I wish it would've come sooner.

    I wrote about forgiving my dad in my blog a few years ago. Maybe reading it will help you in some way. Here's the link:

    Better Late Than Never

    I hope you can sort out the feelings about your dad and reconnect with him at some point. And forgive him. Sending positive vibes your way.
    EditorsRHumansToo! and gracer like this.
  6. EditorsRHumansToo!

    EditorsRHumansToo! Community Champion

    Welcome to the community @Alw I'm so glad to meet you. And I identify with your pain of losing loved ones because of abandonment to their freedom to do better in life-- like the abiity to love and forgive. You have been very brave to stay and be there for your other sisters. Your father who had decided to rehabilitate and recover is good step to healing. I beieve he did that on his own because he loves you and your sisters and wants to provide for you. Your affirmation of, "You can do it, Dad. We will be happy again!" will help him tremendously in his time of healing. You'll see. :)

    Do you agree? Please do come again and tell us of how you and your sisters are doing. Love to your family!
    deanokat likes this.
  7. SunnyArc

    SunnyArc Member

    Hi there, it can be hard at first for people to change and better themselves some people think they are not themselves without a drink and feel like they have lost their confidence this is just your habit trying to get to you. I think you should encourage your father to start exercising more and get him out and about properly maybe sign up for the gym with him?
  8. bluedressed

    bluedressed Community Champion

    Neuroplasticity. You become what you practice, and people who dug themselves into deep addiction pattern often don't even know how to act different. Everything is a trigger for them. They can start to change it, but it's hard because they don't even know where to start, where to make a change.
  9. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Alw... How are you doing? When you get a chance, check in with us and let us know. We truly care about you and are here to support you in any way we can.
  10. Damien Lee

    Damien Lee Community Champion

    That's a heartbreaking story, it seems like your whole family went through a very rough time. I'm sorry to hear about the predicament your father is going through, I'm sure it has not been easy. Unfortunately, when one enters a downwards spiral it's difficult to break out of it. However, I'm glad that your dad is out of rehab and that he is sober now. Life will still be challenging for him so he will still require your support if you're prepared to give it to him.
  11. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    Hi Alw..welcome to the group. I am so glad you found us and were able to share your story. I am sorry that your childhood was so messed up because of alcohol and your Dad's addiction. That is very sad. I am glad that your Dad has finally gotten clean but sad that he is not the person you once knew. Many in time your relationship can hell and he will once again become the Dad that you miss. Everything takes time. Thinking of you and saying a prayer.
  12. 6up

    6up Community Champion

    Many addicts have found it difficult to quit because of reasons

    - They have failed to avoid stressful moments.

    - Working in breweries where they get free beer.

    - Failing to avoid addicted friends.

    - Being idle.

    - Losing a loved one.

    - Being jobless.

    - Being homeless

    - Having no future plans.

    - Having unachievable plans
  13. Zimbitt

    Zimbitt Senior Contributor

    Yeah it always stars small but then it slowly consumes your life bit by bit until it is just another occurrence of your day unlike any other. Would you stop drinking water, that is basically how my mind works; it sees it as a necessity pretty much. Also having no harccore downsides or effects from smoking weed really doesn't force me to quit unlike say my skin was peeling off from being addicted to meth or some russian drug.
  14. Emerson_B

    Emerson_B Active Contributor

    Hi Alw, I'm sorry to hear about all you have gone through but I'm glad as well that your dad was able to successfully finish rehabilitation. When I say finish, I mean the program. For me rehabilitation is a lifelong process. There is always the danger of relapsing. You said as well that you miss him and that he is sober now but different. Alcohol has lasting effects on the human body and mind as well and this would probably explain why he is different. But now would be the best time to show your love for him. Show that you are proud of him for kicking the habit. This would give him more strength to continue on his current path and more strength as well to get back to his former self before the addiction.
    deanokat likes this.
  15. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @Alw... Let us know how you're doing when you have a chance.
  16. Thejamal

    Thejamal Active Contributor

    Welcome to the forum @Alw . Thank you for sharing your story with us. It could not have been easy having to grow up with that kind of turmoil in the house.

    I'd like to ask about your last comment where you said your dad was different after coming out of rehab. Isn't that a good thing? If he's staying clean and changed his ways, that's going to lead to many life changes and how he acts. It will just take some time to get used to and for you to get to know who he is now.

    I wish you the best of luck.
    deanokat likes this.
  17. Winterybella

    Winterybella Community Champion

    I just read the thread or parts thereof and like you, I would love to know how Alw is doing. I join with all who suggest that the dad needs to be forgiven and that a healing and mending should take place. I believe there is a lot of love to give both ways and neither should be deprived of that. I agree with you when you suggested that Alw was fortunate. There are many out there who would give anything to have a father. I will never stop believing in the power of forgiveness.
    deanokat likes this.
  18. Zimbitt

    Zimbitt Senior Contributor

    Also if I had the ability to just stop I wouldn't be here would I aha?