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Why I Got Clean at First

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by knitmehere, Oct 18, 2015.

  1. knitmehere

    knitmehere Community Champion

    I've posted already about my personal story, but there is no one I've ever admitted to about why I got clean at first (outside of having my daughter). I think it's time that I open up a bit about that.

    I had a friend in high school that I was VERY close to. We told each other everything. We smoked a lot of pot together, but that's as far as we ever went with drugs. He was my best friend, though, for about three years. I still have never been closer to another person.

    He moved away for a few years, and when he came back to the area he hit me up. At that time I was a user of cocaine, but had slowed down my use by A LOT. I probably hadn't used in a month or two when he and I actually hung out.

    He bought me a bottle of whiskey and I was spending the night. I drank the whole bottle myself, but I was a heavy drinker at the time. I didn't even notice that he didn't drink anything at all the whole night.

    Then when later that evening, after we had settled down, I passed out for awhile and woke up to him in bed with me (we had went to bed separately). After he noticed that I was awake, he raped me. I won't go into all of those details, but it happened and I'm fairly weak physically (plus all of the alcohol), so there was nothing I could do about it.

    When he tried to talk to me about a week later, he admitted all of the coke that he had done that night and that he wasn't right in the head when he was on it and couldn't control his urges and hadn't cared whether or not he hurt me.

    I never responded back, and it's been a few years and I haven't seen him again, but that was a bit of a wake-up call for me. If someone who was basically my brother could do something like that to me under the influence of cocaine, what would I be willing to do to other people?
  2. L_B

    L_B Community Champion

    Thank you for taking the time to share this with us. It must have been a scary situation and I am sorry you had to go through that to realize what you were doing to yourself. I am so glad that you now have your life in order and are clean and enjoying every day. I am very proud of you. Your story will serve as an inspiration to others who are going through what you once were.
    deanokat likes this.
  3. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @knitmehere... Thanks for sharing that very personal story with us. I'm sorry that happened to you. Drugs certainly do cause people to do things they wouldn't normally do. Yet another reason to stay away from them or, if you're using, try to get clean from them. I'm very happy that you found your way to recovery. And I'm glad you're here with us in this community.
  4. knitmehere

    knitmehere Community Champion

    Thank both of you so much. I've kept that bottled up for a very long time, and I think I realized someone else might benefit from hearing it. I know a lot of people have been in the same position (or at least close to it), and it really helps to know that it has happened to someone else and that you don't need to justify it. Things happen; Bad things happen.
    deanokat likes this.
  5. misskrystal1982

    misskrystal1982 Active Contributor

    Thank you for sharing. That is a very powerful message that many people don't normally get to hear for the same reasons you didn't feel comfortable sharing. I hope getting it off your chest has had a very liberating effect for you! Keeping things bottled up can really hurt you, even when it's something like this. It makes you build a wall between yourself and other people.
    I am very proud of you for letting that out.
    deanokat likes this.
  6. Carnold23

    Carnold23 Community Champion

    You are a very strong woman. I am so sorry that happened to you. Whatever you may think, I want you to know that under no circumstances was it your fault. Thank you for sharing your story with us, you are very inspiring. And congradulations on your sobriety!
    deanokat likes this.
  7. dyanmarie25

    dyanmarie25 Community Champion

    Wow. Thank you so much for sharing your very personal story to us here. Honestly, I don't know what to say to you because I couldn't really find the right words to tell you. But yeah, you are a strong woman, indeed. All the best for you.
    deanokat likes this.
  8. Jorge Solis

    Jorge Solis Active Contributor

    Hello everyone! My name is Jorge Solis. Thank you for being so brave to share your story with us. I am so sorry you had to endure that. I am so happy you chose to seek help and chose the path of recovery. The only advice I can give you is to go to the police. Who knows when this pervert will rape another victim again, it could be a matter of time.
  9. mooray

    mooray Active Contributor

    Sometimes our best-friends are our worst enemies. I am sorry to know what happened to you but I am glad you have not let that experience destroy you. I know how that kind of betrayal feels like because I was once close to someone who I considered my best-friend but it turns out, she was just using me.
    deanokat likes this.
  10. knitmehere

    knitmehere Community Champion

    In the position he was in at the time, I know that it was the drugs that did it, not him. He had had plenty of chances over the years to have done it before, but he had never even touched me slightly inappropriately before that night. I doubt he'll ever be clean, so I'll never want to be around him again, but I forgive him because I know what cocaine does to your mind.

    @Jorge Solis Going to the police at this point, years after the fact, wouldn't do any good.
    deanokat likes this.
  11. Tremmie

    Tremmie Community Champion

    Wow, thanks for sharing your story. And I think it's great that you blame the drugs and not him for doing what he did! I think that is great for your own sanity, forgiving someone after an incident like that can be so hard. So sorry it happened to you, but I am glad you decided to quit after that incident.
  12. knitmehere

    knitmehere Community Champion

    @Tremmie as unselfish as it may seem that I don't want to blame him for it, it's the opposite, sadly. I can't blame him because I refuse to believe that the things I've done while on the same drug were completely me instead of the drug.
  13. Jordan94

    Jordan94 Active Contributor

    I think this site will help you out a lot. I've seen nothing but pure positive vibes from the community so far. There are some really nice people on the site willing to help anyone.