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Why I haven't got a sponsor yet.I need advice or something on this one

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by True concern, Oct 28, 2018.

  1. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    Ok so I have made a lot of progress here,you all know how grateful I am for each and everyone of you, I truly want to beat this bullshit so as I find vulnerability in myself I share it with the world via this forum.I am going to be 100% honest and none of it is meant to offend anyone, this is strictly how I feel.I have made a lot of progress here...leeps and bounds from where I was,most of my life I tried to fix me alone,I now realize that is completely impossible, I am finally off my pain meds from my surgery making me once again TRULY SOBER,sounds great but the pain meds hide just enough emotional pain to put me in a false sense of security as far as my true progress,I'm off the pain meds for 2 day's now(I got impatient and went cold turkey again)I am fine with the agony of one last physical detox (it's a minor one)probably gonna last about 1 week,here's my problem I don't want and can't afford a therapist, I understand I should seek one out but I can't stomach the thought of someone who has never been an addict with anger issue's pointing out my problems,it would honestly piss me off and I know I would walk out.I have known the people of this community for about 10 month's and seek your input and I trust you because I know your sincere,you don't make me think I am an hourly rate and follow it with "Same time next week"I do have trust issue's,you know why but I have anger inside...yet again that has me on edge,I wouldn't hurt anyone just because I am angry but I find myself pushing it deeper and deeper again,and I know that's not healthy.Why I haven't gotten a sponsor?I can't shake this thought,this feeling....I don't want to constantly make phone calls to someone and sound like a whinning,bitchy,prepuberity cry baby(No offense meant)this is simply my own personal thought I can't shake.Do I need extra support?Absolutely. Do I know the steps I should take?Yes..but I can't seem to break that damn threshold, all I can think is (RUN TILL YOU CAN'T THINK)You know I tried this and it lead to knee surgery. @Dominica you created a thread for me month's ago titled(What are you gonna do when you can't run anymore?)Believe it or not I ask myself that every morning and still have no answer. @deanokat You as well have given me so much support to get me this far as well as many other's @Liola @Joshstillclean @Josh111187 @Cametobelieve0202 @lonewolves I thank you all,but I'm kinda at a stalemate.I don't plan on using again,but I didn't 7.5 month's ago either.I don't know what I'm asking,but if any of you have anything that may help me break through yet another barrier I would greatly appreciate it. I love you all,you have become family in my heart so here I am leaning on you all once again. Thank you for being there
    Last edited: Oct 28, 2018
  2. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @True concern

    Good morning you! Super good to hear from you and I'm glad that you were able to share with us what's on your heart. I think that many of us can relate to what you're feeling when it comes to reaching out for additional help. I know I have been there in the past and I'm still there sometimes now.

    Coming off the pain meds, yes you will probably begin feeling feelings that have been pushed down. So this is a perfect opportunity for you to step out into the unknown and Trust that whatever happens, you'll be all right. Meaning whether you take the road of getting a sponsor or finding someone who will offer you counseling, that the process will be in divine order. That it will be alright. But you don't have to let fear win.

    I think I'm drawn more to the path of getting a sponsor and getting a counselor. If you can't afford a counselor, I do understand. I have a different take on the higher prices of a counselor. Well first of all they probably wouldn't be as high if insurance wasn't always involved. I know plenty of counselors that will give a significant discount for those who don't have insurance. I don't look at it as if they're helping me because I'm paying them. They are trained and have honed their counseling skills to help people. It is their skill set that I am compensating them for and they do deserve to be compensated for their time, just like I am. It's a trade-off I'm willing to make. At least for me anyway.

    At the same time, there are some out there who will counsel for free. You could start making some phone calls to the churches. Some Churches have spiritual counselors who will meet with you for free. And they can still be helpful even if they're not recovering addicts....

    I happen to know one lady here in my town was in her mid 70 who counsels people for free. She was a counselor most of her life and now she does it for free because she wants to. There may be even some people online willing to do some sort of online counseling for free or very cheap. There may be people at your meetings who could direct you to a professional.

    And then there's getting a sponsor. When I went to 12 step meetings I didn't even want to be there. I was pissed that I needed to go. That I was an emotional mess and couldn't figure myself out on my own. Yeah that made me mad. I was used to being able to control my emotions. But I also knew that I wanted to get better, to not drink in order to cope with life, and to experience joy for no reason. So I bucked up and I went and I got a sponsor. And I called her a lot in the beginning. I called her with what I consider stupid s*** dealing with my relationship. At the time it was big stuff for me. She could have ridiculed me or called me a baby or whatever, but she picked up the phone every time and she listened to me. And she encouraged me. She realized where I was at, but also realized where I could end up. Find a sponsor like that. Chances are they will understand where you have been and where you are. At least to some degree. Call them up and cry if you need to. Call them up to vent. Take your mask off and feel okay to be where you are and trust that the process of healing will occur over time.

    And of course at any time if you don't feel like you're resonating with the person that you're seeing, then feel free to find someone different. I think it's Dean who says he had to go through two or three counselors to find one that he resonated with.

    I hope this help somehow. I know it's not easy to reach out, but I do see great value in it. Your first step could be to reach out and get a sponsor. They are free. Pray about it and ask that you would be led to a sponsor that you can resonate with. And regarding counseling, begin asking around and see what your options are. Call around. There may be free counseling offered somewhere!!

    Does it sound like something you can do?
    True concern likes this.
  3. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @True concern... I don't think I can say anything that will be any more helpful than what our angel @Dominica has told you. Except I would hope that you wouldn't totally write off counseling. Believe it or not, there are a lot of therapists out there who specialize in treating people with addiction issues; and there are even therapists out there who have HAD addiction issues. I understand if the cost is a factor, but there are sources of counseling out there that are affordable. You can always check with your state's Health & Human Services department. They can usually refer you to free or low-cost mental health care resources.

    Love you back, my friend.
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  4. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    You know I almost didn't create this thread,I know the process is exactly that..a process.The anger comes from many places,trauma,the wasted time,yada yada and I know I am pushing myself harder than I should(some routines are just stuck)like wanting more out of my effort for my recovery.The anger almost boiled over yesterday as a "Protective"instinct.My dad is 71 years old and when he lost his business I was there,right after he got the news I was off to the side when property management came in,didn't see me and started threatening my dad with violence if he didn't pay up,I saw my dad hunch over and grab his chest...he was terrified and couldn't breathe.I snapped...well half snapped,I came from the side and lifted management off the ground and carried him out the door and politely dropped him on his head:confused:;):),At this time the manager started making threats of violence to myself, well I was more than game to go down that road for my dad,to protect him,I was sober about 3 month's so I believe I handled myself like any other son would,oddly enough my dad 71 year's old,Vietnam vet,fighting 3 forms of cancer now still ends up ready to fight anyone,but he don't fight however you would never know by his mouth,we live in apartments 5 washers 5 dryers.Lastnight dad insist on doing laundry himself,he filled 3 washers yet other's left all 5 dryers full for hour's and dad being who he is emptied the dryers and put his clothes in....BAD timing for me with the anger I was feeling, I told him"Dad,you put me in a terrible spot,if someone gets upset and starts yelling at you,you already know what I'm going to do"I told him if I come out the door if this situation arises to not speak but to just get out of my way,he said "ya I know"luckily that went smooth but I didn't appreciate the fact that he but me in "protect"mode because it very easily could get way out of hand.This is why I created this thread,to try and off load the anger quick. I will never write off counseling, I am no idiot I understand I need it,I wouldn't write off a sponsor either,it's just way easier for me to show my vulnerability online versus in person,even though I know I must break that threshold, I will fight for my life back even if it ends poorly,but I believe no risk no reward and of course the emotional baggage that comes when a person finally eliminates the final substance which pacifies.Bare with me please as I don't know what threads may be created,but after 10 month's or so we all know more are coming.I will stay strong and I am committed to this journey. Thanks for your caring word's
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  5. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @True concern I'm glad that you can bear some of your soul here online. It is easier! But you are making progress and I do believe that eventually you will get yourself a sponsor and take it from there. OH, and FYI, I have been putting off a call to a spiritual director.... I've been wanting a spiritual director for a while...and put it off... BUT I made the call today.... So, you're not the only one that puts things off, but you know what? Your post got me to call today for an appointment!! so thanks!! ;)

    I'm glad things went alright with your dad last night too! I know some people who contend with emotional or anger issues by the practice of meditation. Now there are probably some meditation classes in your community. To some people that might sound wicked boring. But it lights other people up and helps them become happier and well, suffer less. Just a thought.

    :D
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  6. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    Thank You. I am glad my soul bearing and honesty about well the drama in my life helped you find the strength to make that call,nice to return the love as you have no idea how much you have helped me,or maybe you do know..either way I am proud of you for making that call and I promise you here soon I will break through yet another barrier and get at least a sponsor and go from there,and honestly I know it's the next step.So a bit off topic but I disobeyed my surgeon and returned to the gym today:eek::eek::confused:but I only walked at a pace of 3 mph for 20 mins putting me just over 1 mile after the 5 min cool down periodo_OBut I am not a quieter and I obviously push myself harder than most,maybe more than I should but at least I'm not pushing the end of a syringe so good and bad it's kinda how I do thing's only difference is I don't do bad thing's anymore :confused:...even though my last emoji is suspicious it's the truth lol.Take care
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  7. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    Ok soooo it's time!I'm returning to N/A tonight.I had this knee surgery for the purpose of being able to have my escape from my addiction and the mental torture of half a life...i don't want to say wasted because I no longer believe that, I now believe there was a reason why,but I think you understand what I mean,however since I have made my return to the gym(A bit earlier than suggested)nonetheless you made a phone call you had put off....I am tonight in search of a sponsor. Break the threshold,destroy the stigma...im all about it. Wish me luck
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  8. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    Woohoo!!!! you are all about momentum, my friend!! ;)
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  9. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    go slowly in the gym. think of long-term...the body needs time to heal. please don't push it yet.
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  10. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    Yes you are correct, I feel a little extra pain today,I will wait at least another 10 day's before my next attempt....ahhhh turtle mode lol
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  11. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    yes, please wait.... i remember when i couldn't run in high school for a couple months... my coach told me to work on my upper body and do a lot of sit ups.... so i did and that helped! you'd be surprised at how much you can work out without using your legs!!! and hey, maybe even do some yoga ;) yoga can kick my butt sometimes!! no joke!
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  12. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    I actually started lifting yesterday as well, I never did lift before...well not sense high school but when I did lifted in my younger year's I was very fit..had an 8 pack abs and rock solid pecks that sadly have turned into more like man boobs lol,once you get pecks I guess you maintain them or you could find yourself shopping for a bra...hilarious,anyways I'm going to get them solid again.Im on a mission to say the least,I often move to quickly so I will work on everything except my legs for now,and well time will tell I'm no longer chasing death I'm chasing life
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  13. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

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  14. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @True concern... You keep inspiring, my friend. So glad to hear that you're going back to NA. Did you go to a meeting last night? If so, how was it? Also happy that you're going to wait a bit before working your knee out. But it's great that you're working on the rest of your body. Man boobs are definitely not cool! (I'm speaking from experience here.)

    Hope you have a kickass day!!!!
    True concern likes this.
  15. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    N/A was great lastnight,"Common Sense"it's that damn simple to easy to sound effective but anyways I heard several people talk of consuming your time completely sun up to light's out...I I though damnit if it's worked for them than here I go..gym from 6-7am upper body and and only ....for now 8-9:30laundry than breakfast 10-10:30 shower 10:30-11:20 aggravate my loving 7 year old sister...she's such a princess and knows Absolutely everything about everything, she's never wrong just a sweetheart LMAO I'm doing 2 N/A meetings today first one at Noon second one at 7:30.....You know consume my time lol,I'm sure you have all said that 1000 time's and I will admit you are all correct to look into another human's eye's and listen and feel their joy....Game Changer
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  16. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    Nothing wrong with keeping busy, @True concern. I think we both know that a bored addict is not the best thing in the world.
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  17. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    Very true 1 more meeting tonight
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  18. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @True concern That's wonderful that you're going to spend your time constructively. Balance is always something I try to create in my life. It doesn't always go as planned, and periodically i take an honest look at my life and see how I'm doing balance wise.

    Let us know how your meetings are going and I hope you have a beautiful day!
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  19. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    @Dominica you would make a fantastic life coach-counselor...As an addict balance is definitely something I MUST figure out. I did 3 N/A meetings in 24 hour's, it appears everything I do...i over do *sigh*
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  20. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    @True concern... I think she already IS one!!! ;)
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