I was with my ex for over 5 years. He struggled with a drinking problem, smoked pot and had always been a bit abrasive and touchy. The last few months of our relationship though he became extremely emotionally abusive and even physically abusive with me. He would tell me to go away if I tried to talk to any of his friends that stopped by the house or if I tried to hang out with him when his brother was over. He was working, but never had any money, didn't contribute to the household and still asked to borrow money for beer or gas. He told me how awful I was, called me horrible names, told me he hated me and I believed him. He would stay up til all hours of the morning and sleep for only a few hours then get up and go to work. Except for those days when he just didn't get out of bed at all. I figured it was a hangover. He wouldn't eat, told me he was sick and if I tried to talk to him or ask if he needed anything, he'd tell me to leave him alone and not to talk to him like I did something wrong. It got to the point that I couldn't sleep at night, he would get angry for whatever reason and come in yelling at me and if I didn't wake up he would throw things at me until I did get up. He forced me to have sex, threatened to burn the house down with my daughter and I in it and then a few days later seemed to have no recollection of it at all. I figured he was drinking until he blacked out and I finally had to call the relationship quits. I began to fear for the safety of my daughter and I. That was over a year ago. Since he left we have talked and he has been civil for the most part. He has told me many times that he truly loved me and how he knows he messed everything up, but I never believed him. I thought it was just so I would do something for him or not throw out something, not sell off his ATV collection (though he wouldn't come to get them), that sort of thing. He's never asked to come back. Last week a friend of his stopped and asked me what happened to him. I never say anything bad about him, just that his drinking was too much for me and we parted ways. His friend asked me if it was the drinking or the fact he went back to using coke. I was so stunned I couldn't speak or think. I knew he smoked pot and I had no issue with that. I don't drink or do any sort of drugs, but honestly, when he was smoking pot he wasn't as much of an asshole (excuse my french). A week later after finding out and a year after the relationship ended and I still feel like my world is shaken. Is this even normal? If it's true, I'm afraid he's going to die not knowing that I still love him. At the same time though I can't have this sort of thing in my home either. Is it normal to feel this confused and messed up? Do you have any suggestions? Is there a way I could have known definitively if it was alcohol or if his addiction escalated to something like coke or meth?