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why was it easier thinking he hated me?

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by justnobody, Oct 4, 2018.

  1. justnobody

    justnobody Member

    I was with my ex for over 5 years. He struggled with a drinking problem, smoked pot and had always been a bit abrasive and touchy. The last few months of our relationship though he became extremely emotionally abusive and even physically abusive with me. He would tell me to go away if I tried to talk to any of his friends that stopped by the house or if I tried to hang out with him when his brother was over. He was working, but never had any money, didn't contribute to the household and still asked to borrow money for beer or gas. He told me how awful I was, called me horrible names, told me he hated me and I believed him. He would stay up til all hours of the morning and sleep for only a few hours then get up and go to work. Except for those days when he just didn't get out of bed at all. I figured it was a hangover. He wouldn't eat, told me he was sick and if I tried to talk to him or ask if he needed anything, he'd tell me to leave him alone and not to talk to him like I did something wrong.

    It got to the point that I couldn't sleep at night, he would get angry for whatever reason and come in yelling at me and if I didn't wake up he would throw things at me until I did get up. He forced me to have sex, threatened to burn the house down with my daughter and I in it and then a few days later seemed to have no recollection of it at all. I figured he was drinking until he blacked out and I finally had to call the relationship quits. I began to fear for the safety of my daughter and I.

    That was over a year ago. Since he left we have talked and he has been civil for the most part. He has told me many times that he truly loved me and how he knows he messed everything up, but I never believed him. I thought it was just so I would do something for him or not throw out something, not sell off his ATV collection (though he wouldn't come to get them), that sort of thing. He's never asked to come back.

    Last week a friend of his stopped and asked me what happened to him. I never say anything bad about him, just that his drinking was too much for me and we parted ways. His friend asked me if it was the drinking or the fact he went back to using coke. I was so stunned I couldn't speak or think. I knew he smoked pot and I had no issue with that. I don't drink or do any sort of drugs, but honestly, when he was smoking pot he wasn't as much of an asshole (excuse my french). A week later after finding out and a year after the relationship ended and I still feel like my world is shaken. Is this even normal? If it's true, I'm afraid he's going to die not knowing that I still love him. At the same time though I can't have this sort of thing in my home either. Is it normal to feel this confused and messed up? Do you have any suggestions? Is there a way I could have known definitively if it was alcohol or if his addiction escalated to something like coke or meth?
  2. Lostboy8731

    Lostboy8731 Community Champion

    Hey @justnobody glad your reaching out. This is a safe and caring place and everyone here is super supportive and loving and many full of tons of wisdom. I'm sorry for what you are dealing with and going through with all this. I can't even imagen how your feeling. As for knowing if he was on something other then booze thats a tricky one as many ppl can hide there addiction for sometime till the physical and mental signs start showing. As for being confused as to what to do thats only natural after building a life with someone. Now that being said you dont deserve any of the abuse thats been happening to you. Personally if it were me id let him know that ties needed to be cut for the sake of your mental and emotional health as welk for your safety. But thats me. In the end only you can make the choice as to what to do. I hope this helps a little and remember this is a safe loving place so reach out any time. Sending prayers and good vibes your way....
    Stay in touch and keep us informed.
    Last edited: Oct 5, 2018
    LaurenJ, Dominica and True concern like this.
  3. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @justnobody... Welcome to the community. Don't beat yourself up because you didn't know your ex was doing coke. Nobody's perfect, and nobody can tell every single thing about a person, no matter how close they are to them. Allow yourself to be free of that burden. And for what it's worth, I agree with @Lostboy8731 and would just move on from this relationship. I know you worry about his well-being, but Nar-Anon and Al-Anon teach us that we didn't cause our loved one's addiction, we can't control it, and we can't cure it.

    Big hugs coming in your direction. Come and lean on us anytime you feel the need.
  4. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    @justnobody I am so sorry for the pain and sadness you feel,I usually have a lot to say and usually I'm full of opinions but as I read your story I read you were forced to do something and I can't think beyond those word's as I just can't.The other's have given great insight and all I can really add is YOU are not Justnobody YOU are somebody who deserves to be treated with love and respect and I'm so sorry this EVER happened to you.Stay Strong and God Bless you
  5. Dominica

    Dominica Recovery Advocate @ Moving Beyond Codependency Community Listener

    @justnobody hey there. i think it's kind of normal for you to go through this period of shock.... and it's true that some addicts can hide things quite well. please keep taking care of you and yours... try not to get too concerned about him or become wrapped up in his world. not much you can do if he is using coke... pray he can decide to come off...

    you've gotten some great insight and advice from the others...and i agree with them...
  6. LaurenJ

    LaurenJ Active Contributor

    @justnobody I am a new member and going through issues myself but your post had some familiarities with my past. I am so glad you and your daughter are out of that home. No one deserves that treatment and I’m so glad you found the courage to leave. I don’t want this to sound the wrong way but when I had left my ex I found many excuses to talk to him or visit, out of loneliness or my codependency. The truth is does it matter if it was alcohol or coke? Or if he truly loved or hated you? He abused you and you don’t deserve that, you made the right decision, don’t ever doubt that. He needs help either way but will have to be the one to do it on his own. I have issues with codependency, I am an empath and have always attracted narcissistic men that abuse me and it’s truly awful. There are support groups for people with codependency if you feel that would help. I myself am considering that but have other issues to deal with first. I hope my rant helped a little and I hope it wasn’t harsh, I don’t mean to sound that way. Good luck to you and your girl, you can find a healthy and happy life and relationship.