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Wife of an addict

Discussion in 'Prescription Drugs' started by firefairy, Nov 13, 2015.

  1. Winterybella

    Winterybella Community Champion

    I honestly feel the same way. It's such a difficult situation finding all the answers seem so difficult. Yet based on what I have read you are making some progress especially as it relates to your own well being. You will know when you've had enough and what's necessary for your own sanity and happiness. I wish you well.

    Some will offer suggestions and others just want you to know we are here if only to listen. When all is said and done, make sure to protect you. I'm big on happy Friday..Great for you.
    deanokat likes this.
  2. zaerine

    zaerine Community Champion

    Nice to know that you feel better and have more hopes about your life in general. Good to know too that he is seeking help and wanting to change. Right that do not allow things to consume you and set limits.
    deanokat likes this.
  3. firefairy

    firefairy Member

    Today is not a good day. Three steps forward, five steps back. He is getting into the sub program on Friday. I know that I should be excited and hopeful.. but I’m not. The things that he says, it seems to be like he is just looking for another high.. something else to you. A legal high that is paid for through the program and he wont have to lie to spend the money. When I told him I wanted to ask the Dr a few questions so that I understand what he is taking.. he jumped down my throat, got defensive and annoyed. After catching him in a big lie on Saturday.. He admitted to slipping Monday and Tuesday. He claims that he only took one in the morning on both days.. but there was a big difference in his eyes, personality and attitude on Tuesday. I think he is lying. Scratch that, I know he is lying to me. He claims that he no longer snorts the pills, but I find things like razor blades, lighters and pens that can be opened and used for straws. Before I went to bed, I counted all of my money and my daughters money so that I would know if anything was missing. This is no way to live. Feeling like I’m being lied to. Knowing that he isn’t telling me the truth and then getting blamed and made out to be the crazy one when I confront him. The master manipulator… well obviously what he doesn’t know is that I AM NOT STUPID. I know he is lying, I just can’t always find a way to prove it. I can’t stand this life anymore. His addiction is sucking all of the life and energy out of me!! How do I feel hopeful about this sub program when I think he still wants a high. I don’t think his goal is to get clean. I just don’t know what to do anymore. It feels hopeless. I feel hopeless. I sure hope another holiday isn’t ruined by husband and his addictions.
  4. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @firefairy... I'm so sorry to hear that things aren't going well. If I could, I would give you a big hug. Instead I will send you one virtually.

    As I've said before, loving an addict is an incredible challenge. You have given your husband lots of chances, and that is very admirable. But please remember: the most important person in your life is you. (And, of course, your daughters.) When your loved one's addiction starts to suck the life and energy out of you...well, that's obviously an extremely bad thing.

    Addicts are liars and manipulators. They will steal your wallet and then help you look for it. (My wife and I had to buy a safe to put our wallets, cash, and valuables in while our son was using.) And until they want to change, their behavior will continue. That's just the nature of the disease.

    I don't want to tell you what to do, because you have to decide what's best for you and your girls. But if it were me, I would seriously think about at least taking a break from the relationship for a while. You deserve to live a happy, healthy life, and right now it seems like you're doing anything but that. Self-care is something you should focus on. Again, that's just my opinion.

    I will keep praying for you, your husband, and your daughters. I know you're in an incredibly difficult situation and I pray that things will get better for you, one way or another.

    Peace, hugs, and positive vibes are being sent your way.
  5. Winterybella

    Winterybella Community Champion

    Firefairy, I am saddened that you did not have a good day yesterday. Has today been better? NEVER throw hope away. I've said a hundred times before....:the sun will come out tomorrow'. With heavy eyes from the fatigue of a long day I am sending you love and a desire for you to see some light in your life.
  6. xeylonfm

    xeylonfm Member

    You are a wonderful woman indeed who has deep thoughts about your family. You exhibit a very strong concern and care for your family (husband and kids) which is why I admire your steadfast spirit in this case. You have come a long way and have put up with a lot which not so many people can do. A sincere pat on the back for that. However as I look at your husband, I fell sadness because he seems to have been on prescription drugs. His fight seems like it’s not had enough and that is something he needs to review with the love of his family in his mind. It’s a light at the end of the tunnel that he “thinks” he cannot live with the pills. I say that’s a good starting point because it is still a thought and not an outright decision to go down that line. I feel your husband’s fear of living without the drugs could be one part of the problem that can get fixed. It is a psychological problem that can work through a behavioral therapist. You see once the thought is changed then many avenues towards detoxification can be pursued. The power to change is always in the mind. Once the mind is retuned, the will can be emboldened. This is an avenue I see light could be shed on him. I suggest you give it a try. Otherwise thank you so much for selflessly being there for him. I know you being there has prevented a lot of incidences that could have happened if you had walked out on him
    deanokat likes this.
  7. LeonasSword

    LeonasSword Active Contributor

    Thank you for sharing your story. Living with an addict is arduous. It is emotionally and physique exhausting. You require to take care of you and your children. It is hard to avail him if he doesn't optate to avail himself. If you would dote to move far away then commence looking into it, orchestrating it and maybe things will fall into place. Even if you don't go it will give you something to fixate on and something to dream about. You got to have hope. I get what you are going through and I ken how draining it is. You are not solitary. We are auricularly discern for you to avail in any way that we can. There are so many others here who are going through identically tantamount. Sometimes just having people to verbalize with who authentically understand hoists an astronomically immense load off your shoulders.
    deanokat likes this.
  8. lilfaerie28

    lilfaerie28 Active Contributor

    I had to leave an addict, then became physically dependent on pain pills myself. It is hard! I don't feel the need to take pain pills anymore, unless I'm in excruciating pain. I get kidney stones and have fibro, but I take a non-addictive non-narcotic for the fibro. He can beat this, but it isn't your battle to fight. He HAS to do it for himself. I learned that the hard way. He needs a support group to go to...everyday! There are people out there with similar stories that can help him see that he can be happy without the pills. I hope you put yourself and kids first. He needs to help himself.
    deanokat likes this.
  9. minderbender

    minderbender Member

    I am so sorry to read of your story and I offer my full compassion. We are here to listen and support you on this forum. Thank you for sharing your story with all of us. It is funny how the human condition is much about struggling. Each person has something to worry about or overcome. My ex-fiancee was an addict also. Although I obviously don't have the history you do of 13 years I can definitely feel empathy for your pain and the worry and emotional distress this is causing you. When I have sought support from people in professional environments they always stressed to me the importance of taking care of myself and not letting my relationship interfere or override my own values. I am interested in exploring groups like Al-Anon and I have heard these can be very helpful and sometimes offer just the right perspective to get you going where you need to be in your life. That whole adage that no one can save you but yourself is somewhat true.
    deanokat likes this.
  10. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

  11. firefairy

    firefairy Member

    Just thought I would stop by and thank all of you for your kind words and positive post! I appreciate each and everyone of you that took the time out of your day to show my love and support. Thank You!
    For an update; the medicine seems to be working. He is taking his subs every morning. He is coming back to life; smiling, laughing.. helping out around the house and finishing some projects. His relationships with his family and our girls are improving daily. He actually spent the day with my oldest the other day! A huge step for both of them. They had a great day. For the most part, I can't complain. He has picked up chewing.. GROSS! His addictive behavior has him chewing almost non-stop through-out the day. I am hoping the counseling that he started this month can help him with his addictive personality. Other than that.. My only other problem is, I still feel unimportant.. insignificant.. Lack of effort in repairing our martial relationship.. our intimate relationship and our team building relationship. I addressed that today and he admit that he felt like everything was going great the past few weeks so he felt like it was enough and admitted to kind of neglecting me.
    deanokat likes this.
  12. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @firefairy... Thanks for sharing that update with us. It sounds like things are going pretty good. I hope things continue to improve. (And I agree that chewing is gross!)

    Peace and hugs.
  13. MrsJones

    MrsJones Community Listener Community Listener

    @firefairy so many memories came flooding into my mind as I read your story and all of your updates. I'm glad that you have taken initiative to stand firm with your husband. Your strength shows in your posts. How you've taken your thoughts and put them in action. Good for you!
    firefairy and deanokat like this.
  14. firefairy

    firefairy Member

    Today I need to vent!!!! I feel like he is on the verge of a relapse and is purposely pushing me away so that I ‘give him a reason’ to slip. Maybe I’m wrong.. Maybe I just put too much hope into thinking that everything that was wrong with our marriage was due to his addictions. He is still taking his meds and going to counseling.. but is he really being open and honest with his counselor, I don’t know. He is recently expressed to me that his OCD is getting really bad again and its exhausting him. He said that while he was using his OCD wasn’t so bad because he didn’t care about anything enough. (He has counting, numbers and tapping OCD) He isn’t putting any effort into our relationship, the kids, the house.. anything. All he does is work as much as he can, sleep and watch TV. He is getting snappy and ignorant again. It seems like the kids and I have fell back into old habits of avoiding him and not asking him for anything. I feel like I’m a single mom again even though I have a miserable man in my house every day. I’m back to feeling like I want something more.. something different.. someone who cares about me.. helps me.. loves me.. puts effort into me. I’m back to feeling frustrated and thinking about divorce. I don’t know if he has always been selfish and miserable and I just wanted to blame it on the drugs because I wanted so desperately to believe that there is more to him.. that the good I see in him is the real him and not the mask. He hasn’t texted me during the day in two days.. Which is a game he plays. He is trying to break me down first. The issue is, I didn’t do anything wrong. I have been doing more than my share around the house and with the kids. I have been open and willing to make an effort and try to improve our relationship. But it takes two to tango.. and I’m not fighting this battle alone. I’m scared that if I do kick him out AGAIN, that he will relapse for sure.. then my daughters will lose their father and my in-laws will lose their son/brother. It’s a lot of responsibility to bear. Plus I know if I leave, then all the sudden he will be everything I ever wanted him to be. He will make me empty promises. He will confess his love. I let those lies suck me back in and prevent me from moving on with my life EVERY TIME! I don’t think he is using again.. From what I know, he can’t with the meds that he is on. I just wish I knew if this was all a phase? A part of recovery? Or is this the real him shining through?? Any advice?
  15. deanokat

    deanokat Community Organizer Community Listener

    @firefairy... People often do change when they get clean and sober. But without knowing your husband, it's impossible for me to offer up an opinion on what exactly is going on with him

    Just remember that YOU are the most important person in your life, along with your kids. You have to do what's best for you guys. Sometimes the "what if?" game can keep you from making decisions that you know, deep down inside, you have to make. I know it's a difficult situation that you're in. You just have to figure out what you want your life to be like going forward. I pray that you find the strength to make the decision that's best for you. You deserve to be happy.
  16. thash1979

    thash1979 Active Contributor

    I too can relate to these posts. I am a wife of the most loving and caring husband and father, most of the time. See, my husband is bi-polar, manic depressive, with a touch of schizophrenia. There are good days and then there are the bad of all bad days. For 16 years of his life his parents shoved every pharmaceutical drug on the market down his throat to keep him so overly medicated that he didn't even have an opinion on what he wanted to eat. This in turn led to the use of other drugs. When we first met, I knew nothing of any of the pill use. Honestly he kept it hidden pretty well. It wasn't until about three months into the relationship that he told me. Over the course of the next years, I felt I needed to be his advocate. I have tried to understand for years why he would do other drugs to just take the edge off the prescription drugs. He will go on spurts where he quits taking everything all at once, then the next month we are in the ER because he is thinking he is dying. Why did I marry him?? I've lost a sibling and cousin to suicide from these illnesses. I can't leave him, and he think there is no one there to ever help him again. Anyone else been here in this situation?
  17. emeraldnights

    emeraldnights Member

    I read your story with tears in my eyes. I have fought addiction many times through my life, usually with painkillers. I can tell you how hard my days are without them, and about how the high I feel when I'm on them is wonderful, and I can tell you about how much I long for them constantly. However, until reading your story, I couldn't really see how my husband must feel. How exhausted he must be at times, how fed up he must be, and how completely used up he must feel attempting to take care of me and get me to the point where I don't fight this anymore. My heart goes out to you and to everyone on the other side of this horrible disease. Walking away with your children to take care of YOU is NOT giving up on him. It is only letting him know and understand this is a journey he must make. You need to get strong for you and for your children. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I hope things get better and he makes some better choices not only for himself but for YOU and his children.
  18. Tsky45

    Tsky45 Community Champion

    I can only pray for your marriage. This is really something that God can fix. I hate to hear how this poison tears up families. Just hang in there and keep the faith . Seek God for help he can work it out. ~ If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.~ John 15:7
  19. firefairy

    firefairy Member

    I haven’t wrote an update in awhile.. I wish I had a better update to tell..
    I’m not sure what’s going on with him. He’s so distant. All he does is go to work then come home and watch Netflix and go to bed. He doesn’t engage with me and the kids. He rarely talks to us. He doesn’t make any effort to spend time with us. Lately Ive been going upstairs to my bedroom to watch TV and exercise before bed. It’s like he’s taking control of the living room and everyone in the house stirs clear of it. He has unfinished projects around the house that he’s making no effort to finish.. I try to be patient but I’m OCD so after a few weeks pass.. I start making subtle hints.. After a few months I do start to bitch!! He never wants to go anywhere with us or do anything. He’s so closed minded.. He thinks everything is going to suck and be miserable so he just rather sleep and watch TV. I don’t know if it’s the meds (subs) or if this just truly who he is. Part of me keeps thinking maybe he’s using again.. because of how withdrawn he is becoming but I watch him take his meds every morning and I don’t see any money disappearing or any shady behavior. I don’t know. I just know that if this is what married life is.. This sucks! It doesn’t feel like I have a best friend.. it doesn’t feel like I have a husband.. it doesn’t feel like my kids have a father. It feels like I have a man who lives in my house.. pays bills and watches TV! The saddest part is my girls and I were going through containers of their old papers from school and report cards. I found something my oldest daughter wrote when she was little .. it made me so sad. She wrote how he always yelled at her and made her feel bad. I suck!!! I know it wasn’t always bad. But my poor kids seen way more anger, fighting and hostility then I wish they would have L
    MrsJones likes this.
  20. firefairy

    firefairy Member

    emeraldnights - I'm alittle late on reading your post.. but it made me tear up a bit. I truly hope that you find your strength to fight your addiction. I've seen way too many lives.. too many families.. too many marriages ruined by pills. It makes me so sad. Thank you for your kind words. I wish my husband would, just once.. try to look at it from my point of view.
    MrsJones likes this.