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Wife told me she has been on cocaine

Discussion in 'Cocaine' started by craig2504, Dec 26, 2019.

  1. craig2504

    craig2504 Member


    I'm not really sure what i'm looking for here but i feel pretty lost and down and i cannot talk to anyone I know about this.

    My wife is pretty much my world, she's an intelligent, caring, lovely girl who actively makes everyone else feel better about themselves. We've been together for nearly 10 years and married for two.

    In a nutshell, a few weeks ago, my wife told me she has been taking cocaine on nights out with her friends recently (She's 28 and had never done drugs). While i do not judge what others do, I personally despise drugs. I have grown up around drugs since i was a kid, I've seen friends nearly die, I've seen good people get themselves in to financial trouble, I've even lost contact with my little brother as he became addicted to cocaine and i could not help. To me it causes nothing but pain and misery despite the actual point of doing it.

    Having run nightclubs in the past i have seen how drugs affect people and I felt paranoid for a few weeks before she told me this as she had lost two phones and stayed at her friends house even though it was easier for her to come home after her nights out. She then slept all day and was fairly lethargic after these nights out.

    When she told me i initially left her out of the shock and the sickness i felt inside that my little queen could do such a thing. Eventually i plucked up the courage to return and we spoke about it in detail (which naturally did not help). She tells me its no big deal, she doesn't need it, and she can go out without it, she just "tried" it on FIVE different occasions as she was out with her friends and they were doing it......

    For my part i know what is done is done, she now knows how i feel.

    The problem is i now just feel paranoid and sick every second of every day! I know how quickly things can develop in to a problem, I have to believe her but its honestly insufferable how i feel now. I even went and stood outside the nightclub she was in the other night waiting to see how she was when she left. I check her bags now when shes not around, i even find myself sitting there watching her to see if her body is giving off any signs.

    Its a pretty **** way of living and I need to trust her and move on but the question is HOW?

    We've always had so much trust where we both go and do our own things without a barrage of messages and phone calls asking who we are with, where we are, what time we're home.... But now i feel like I have to be that person even though its not what either of us want!
    Onceaddicted77 likes this.
  2. Onceaddicted77

    Onceaddicted77 Spam fighting Moderator & Realist Community Listener

    I can understand your situation Im going through the same thing with my wife. I had to let it go and trust what she says or itll drive me crazy.

    She dosnt hide it at all from me now and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I feel like I might be enabling her but on one side I can appreciate the honesty but on the other side its driving a wedge between us because she is two different people on and off of it and I have to deal with the negative attitude and mood it gives her when she is detoxing from it for days.

    It scares me because I understand how reinforcing cocain is and it's very hard to get away from, she tells me she can stop anytime but I tell her that's what we addicts always say.

    She dosnt believe she can get addicted and that's the scary part. If there is only thing I understand in this world its drugs and how they work.
    Last edited: Dec 26, 2019
    Joshstillclean and Davers like this.
  3. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    I don't know who to respond to here,I sympathize with you both.The simple truth is drug's not only destroy people they also destroy relationships,I know first hand(In my situation)I was the person using and it absolutely destroyed my life with the woman I love to this day...A 20 year marriage crushed over a substance. I don't want to say don't trust your wives because everyone is different and as far as you both know they are being honest with you about everything but as a Simi recovering addict I can tell you we rarely always tell the complete truth while using and I hate to say that but it's the truth.Both of you have been in long relationships, 1 of you ten years,the other I believe around 20 year's or so,so my concern is why are they both looking for extra excitement in life,as if they are missing something or not content.. I really don't know but you are both very patient and trusting and I pray it all works out for the best for all parties involved.
    Neen, Davers and craig2504 like this.
  4. Davers

    Davers Community Champion

    That's a awful situation , I wish I could help.
    I can only give my opinion Of my 48 years of life experience..

    Coke never was my thing , only did it when 12 + beers in .
    But Seen many addicted to it Crack Mostly but knew a snorter who functioned for 25 years , then suddenly passed at 61.

    Starting Coke at 28 y/o is unusual but not unheard of. & Like they say 'How many functioning Coke , Heroin , meth users do you know over 60. Usually it's not many .

    Your wife seems so Non-shalont about her use & This is not a good thing ( like once addicted stated we users Deny or downplay their use I chose the latter. " No I only took 5 percs today but I really took 15 & after 3 hours they start to wear off , so 10 more . I was pretty good at lying to myself but I knew I was full of it.:(

    She just came to you and confessed ? Or were you suspicious ? & asked ?

    If she is really 5 weekends into Coke , IMO ; now would be the time to quit as it will get worse in most cases.

    I hope Kids are not involved even if they are this can be fixed if she wants to try or is ready to quit .

    Living in a non-trusting relationship usually don't work for the reasons you stated & more.

    Try ? to talk it out , support her (but she thinks she can not get addicted ) it will be harder .
    Stick with your love as long as possible but if she won't fix her self , not much more you can do.
    Sincerely Davers
    Onceaddicted77 likes this.
  5. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Stupidity Exists - Fact.

    Hi, very sorry to hear what your going through.
    Long time coke and heroin addict here. I recently relapsed on just the coke. I did some for a couple / few days...but that's the only drug I relapsed on.
    Having said that, and I told a friend of mine this the other day on the phone, I lie. Not sober! But as soon as I push that plunger and it starts flowing into me I am a different person.
    If someone asked me how much or how many times did you do it?
    My answer would be "I don't know! Not much like five!" (to me in my mind that means I did five grams, or five parties, or five shots and that's the worst so the snort,r doesn't count).
    I -every addict can justify their use-but it will destroy you and her especially if you don't lay down the law.
    I reread your post to get it straight...
    Change of subject-I was shooting coke and still came home-staying at a friends house?
    Check this out brother.
    Coke is one of the drugs that makes you lose all inhibitions with your sex life. For real, take it from divorced guy, this hurts, and I pray its not the case, but take control.
    She's on dope she can't even control herself while under the influence-or doesn't care to.
    She would respect a man that took control,and got her help. She might be mad at first, but its better than finding her in another guy's bed. Or getting an STD, or her just losing her mind(like one of my brothers) because he doesn't test what he gets. So he snorted some crap they cut it with and they had to remove his eye, and part of his cheek because of a HEAD infection!
    Don't let this happen to your wife. You came here for help,so im,gonna tell you what I think and its gonna cause a whole lot of women to be mad at me. Your the man, if your behavi,g like a man, put your foot down. Men didn't live as long as women,back in the day because they worked so hard for the family. Women respected that.
    Now its all backwards and women think they don't need men...yes they do, period. (If they want their bloodline to continue).
    Anyway- don't be wondering how to handle it. Get her out of those clubs, away FROM,THAT shitttt and home with you.
    If she messes up lobe her and forgive her, but don't let five times become a habit.
    Honestly when I recently relapsed on coke, I had to get an extra needle because the first was so dull. That's like 35 sticks. 5 times is no big deal.
    If its really 5 times (dought it).
    Big deal is your wife not in the bed with you at night. Man take care of that ASAP! This is similar to how I lost my wife due to mental illness though and she cheated on me. But if i had done my duty...
    Anyway, get her off that shittt, and away from, clubs. And that friend who sounds no good. Just my advice.
    Neen and True concern like this.
  6. Elleous

    Elleous Member

    Does one need to entertain the fact that cocaine can be utilised as a sociable stimulant when with friends and not a concern that it’s a slippery slope to addiction? Is there a middle ground with such a drug if kept under control? If both parties of a marriage are in the know can it be managed without severe disruption?
    Onceaddicted77 likes this.
  7. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Probably not,here's why If there is no mental health issues most can use randomly without addiction being a factor however it's less than 50/50 so odds are one person becomes addicted leaving the other asking WTF.its just life, physics,and unfortunately reality one person out of 2 will become an addict,so why play Russian roulette with someone you claim to love?
  8. Elleous

    Elleous Member

    Your response beggars the mental health really a thing? Or an excuse for weakness? Therefore an excuse for addiction?
    Onceaddicted77 and True concern like this.
  9. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    It's all in the eye of the beholder,but my friend it's real,some don't want to accept it,or acknowledge it,I'm an honor student through every grade,a published author and didn't find out my mental health short comings till my mid 30's at one time I made 70k plus a year but over time as I partied I dug, dug for answers......mental health.i feel shame admitting it but my new purpose is to save the sanity of other's big deal I made 320k in 4 year's mental health is very real
    Onceaddicted77 likes this.
  10. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    If you want to call me weak I accept your opinion,as I'm no one to judge I just want to help
    Onceaddicted77 likes this.
  11. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    I respect your opinion I just care,I have no ego
    Onceaddicted77 likes this.
  12. Elleous

    Elleous Member

    I appreciate your response. But it’s merely an opinion. Of which there are many ‍♂️
    Onceaddicted77 likes this.
  13. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Very true.Take care my friend
    Onceaddicted77 likes this.
  14. Elleous

    Elleous Member

    Much love from England ❤️
    Onceaddicted77 and True concern like this.
  15. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Take Care friend please return
    Onceaddicted77 and Elleous like this.
  16. Onceaddicted77

    Onceaddicted77 Spam fighting Moderator & Realist Community Listener

    I believe anything can have benefits if used correctly but cocain is very reinforcing and the more reinforcing it is the more addictive it is.

    The general rule of addiction for me is when it comes to a substance, Is the substance occupying my mind more than it should? Gotta be real with myself and if so I'm on the path to addiction stop now or be prepared to deal with the consequences.

    People that are of healthy body and mind can try drugs and the effects are not that reinforcing and they dont get that nagging thought of wanting more. But even that same person could do it again and next time might not have such a healthy mind maybe you have some stress or anxiety from normal things going on in your life and the effects will be much more reinforcing this time. You can now have those thoughts and the drug can start to occupy your mind. That can get you in trouble very quickly.
    Last edited: Jan 19, 2020
    True concern likes this.
  17. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    This my brother I believe is very accurate, Addiction has been a big part of my life as I have documented here for year's but recently I started examining mental health as sort of the driver to the program,the program being addiction, so if the driver has issue's the program doesn't update or act right...perhaps it's an odd way to describe it but I understand what I'm trying to say. Anyways once I accepted mental health was an issue to my personal addiction I then had other means of working on correcting the problem. I personally feel way less desire or cravings for substances since my new meds for mental health I feel a real change,feel like I can and will be able to abstain and eventually get that sober mind set I can have confidence in.
    Onceaddicted77 likes this.
  18. Onceaddicted77

    Onceaddicted77 Spam fighting Moderator & Realist Community Listener

    The seeds of change I have planted are starting to take root. My wife is attending her first NA meeting on sunday! :)

    I'm going as well to be apart of it for me.
    True concern likes this.
  19. Joshstillclean

    Joshstillclean Stupidity Exists - Fact.

    If your wondering is mental health a thing yes. My ex-wife became so schizophrenic she was afraid of me.
    Yes its real. She actually is schizoeffective. She my age in a hospital.
    Onceaddicted77 likes this.
  20. True concern

    True concern Moderator

    Congratulations my friend, I am so happy to hear this as I know it's been heavy on your mind,no doubt heavy on your heart as well