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Worked So Hard And Then Poof Its Gone

Discussion in 'Share Your Story Here' started by Lostboy8731, Oct 3, 2018.

  1. Lostboy8731

    Lostboy8731 Community Champion

    Part .1

    Very shy, and low self esteem so making this profile is a huge deal and kinda freaking me out, used to be an extrovert now very closed in and shy from being abused in the past. Physically, mentally, emotionally, and sexually. So extremely hard to do this and open up at times, my upbringing and past wasn't so glamorous but I'll be the first to say I won't blame others for my substance abuse. That was my own freewill and choice, right or wrong it was mine, grew up in a small town and things were great for a while till I found out the man that claimed to be my dad for 8 years was my step dad, imagine finding that out and the confusion. Never mind the mistrust and anger that I was lied to or maybe that it was just sprung on me suddenly. Anyway life went on and I grew up looking for my own family so to speak. At 14 Started drinking and using and hanging with all kinds of ppl all who were much older then me, I left home at a young age and started living in some of these flop houses I guess until one day a girl... also who was a few years older then me was there and seen me. We spent most of the evening exchanging smiles back and forth as she mingled with her friends and did her business. A short time later for what ever reason I was just stuck watching her and admiring her and then next thing i know she looks up towards me and starts coming my way, naturally i started panicking internally thinking I saw something I shouldn't have. She quickly grabbed my hand pulling me to my feet saying she wanted to talk and to fallow her outside. So in a panicked split second I said quickly "Im only 15" so we went out on the porch still holding my hand she spun around and hugged me like I was a long lost friend that came back and as she pulled away she kissed me gently saying she promised she wouldn't ever harm me or hurt me. Infact she had seen ripped up stained wet blanket where I slept at this house and told me she wanted me to move in with her.
    Last edited: Oct 3, 2018
  2. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    Yes I want to hear the rest and I assure you that you will not encounter any hate here just concerned, loving,understanding individuals
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  3. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    And you are not alone my friend...you are not alone
    deanokat likes this.
  4. Lostboy8731

    Lostboy8731 Community Champion

    Thank you for being kind and gentle. It's rare in my life and I'm still not use to it really. I will write the rest soon. Blessings and best wishes for you
    True concern, deanokat and Dominica like this.
  5. Dominica

    Dominica Author, Writer, Recovery Advocate Community Listener

    @Lostboy8731 welcome! thank you for sharing a bit of your story. i would like to hear more as well. i think we can begin healing at a deeper level when we are vulnerable to share our stories in a safe environment. (this is safe).

    you are not alone, as @True concern says... we are here and we care. we want the best for you and your family...and will support you as we can... and believe the best for you. keep working at your recovery, mind, body, and spirit.

    peace.
  6. deanokat

    deanokat DrugAbuse.com Community Organizer Community Listener

    Welcome to the community, @Lostboy8731. I'm glad you found us and reached out. Definitely share more of your story when you have a chance. We're here to help you, support you, and listen to you. And we will do it without judgment. We're like family here, my friend.

    Sending you lots of love, encouragement, and hope. And I look forward to hearing more from you when you're ready.
    Lostboy8731 and True concern like this.
  7. Lostboy8731

    Lostboy8731 Community Champion

    Part.2
    Nerves rising again and not sure what to say she then broke the silence saying i had nothingto fear that Iwould be safe and if ever I felt harmed or scared I could dial 911. I was definitely surprised by that statement and thought if she's able to say that with her life then she must be being genuine. So I went back in grabbed my belongings and headed for my new home. Time was passing and things were great, she worked i went to school. Yes she made me go, and she treated me kind and very gently. Well one day i came home from school only to go my bedroom and find her in my bathroom attached to my room and she was shooting up. Now i had never done this but i was curious and also enjoying my coke and seeing molly once in a while and Mary Jane. She immediately apologized for being in my bathroom even though it was her house and I wasn't paying anything so calmly I said no worries and asked what was wrong with the her master bath, which she replied that the electrical fried and she had no lights or fan and had someone coming to fix it but that it would be a few weeks so she would need to use my bathroom till then.
    Dominica likes this.
  8. Lostboy8731

    Lostboy8731 Community Champion

    Part.3
    I sat down across from her as she got ready to shoot up and I was smoking a cigarette, and watching her and she looked at me almost like she was reading my thoughts and said "don't ask cause I'll never offer" I answered her saying "I wouldn't ask. That I would feel disrespectful to you for asking for anything when you give me so much already never mind the fact that I wouldnt ask someone to do it as it be my first time and Iwouldnt want to put that on there conscience. .Well that must have showed her some sort of respect or something and she asked how much money I had in my jar in my room or if I had made any extra money from selling certain things she had lent me, and I said I have 20 dollars then I pulled it out and handed it to her. She asked me to move closer and she told me " I was never to do this alone, but also that she only wanted me to do it with her if I ever did do it again. and that I was to let her do it for me" i said ok and asked why and she said it can be dangerous and you need to be safe." So I agreed and promised and she started crushing this clear glass like substance and then put it on a spoon and heated it, then I watched her soak it up in a piece of cotton and then draw it in the syringe. She then asked me if I was sure and I said yes I trust you.
  9. Lostboy8731

    Lostboy8731 Community Champion

    Part.4
    So she wrapped my arm with a tie and swabbed it with an alcohol wipe. She then told me sit still and not to flinch as she didn't want to miss my vien and hurt me. So I sat and watched every movement. As she pushed the needle in she then started to draw back to see if there was blood of course I asked why not just push it in once your in and she told me checking for blood insured a vien and not a miss which she said can burn. Then as she pushed it in she told me when to release the band and then sit back. It took only seconds and at first it scared me as I felt the rush everywhere so she moved behind me and sat with me between her legs my back to her chest and told my listen to her breath as our heart beats would be to fast to match. So I focused on her breath. The sound, the feeling of it on the back of my neck amazingly it helped and in a few seconds I felt amazing and calm.
    Part.5
    A few weeks had passed by and i hadn't tried it again but it was on my mind and one day while just sitting and watching TV with her i wanted to ask but was uncertain so I went to my room, then shortly after she knocked as always saying she was going to shower and next thing i realize is she left the door wide open and my shower doors were clear glass i was in aww at her beauty and the fact it didn't fase her that my bed was right there. She eventually came out wrapped in a towel and came and kissed my cheak as was the norm lately. I finally went back out and asked her how much it is to buy it and if i could do some extra chores to make the money I'd need and then get her to buy it for me and help me do it again, that's when things changed, she told me "nobody that has it would be up at this time", which i believed being new to this world.
  10. Lostboy8731

    Lostboy8731 Community Champion

    Part.6
    She then sat up and said come with me and I said but I have no money and she looked at me and said" well didn't you say you'd work to make what you need?" So I nodded and got up and followed to her room my hand in hers where we sat down at her table and she then made up 2 syringes and this time she told me there was more in it then my first. She passed me a band and I tied off my arm and she did the same and said now I'll let you do it but again only when your with me so I can watch and know your safe. I nodded and then wiped clean the area on my arm I was going to use. I slowly stuck the needle in as she watched and drew air so I pulled it out and she showed me how to get the air out, and then said try again, i pushed in slowly again and started to pull back and this time I drew blood and as she seen this she did hers and said ok now we both slowly push it in and so we did and I released my tie as she said when to and then instantly was flooded again.
    Part.7
    This time I laid back on the bed spinning and actually liking it now knowing what to expect. while laying there beside her on the bed both spinning high as could be I randomly asked what chores do you want done and can I do them tomo as its Saturday so i would have the whole day, she then said no you can start now and I said I don't think I'm fit to clean right now laughing a little. and that's when she rolled towards me laying her leg across me and her hand on my chest and then she whispered in my ear "you can work it off in other ways", as she began kissing my neck and lips and body and then getting me to do the same to her as she coached me through what to do as this was my first time with a woman in any way, and I was high and nervous I told her and didn't want to do anything wrong or that she didn't like.
  11. Lostboy8731

    Lostboy8731 Community Champion

    Part.8
    being as high as I was the nerves flared up yet again and she kissed me saying relax as she faced away from me. Again she said she wouldn't hurt me and so I slowly calmed down as her lips wrapped around me. Awhile later she turned to face me again straddling me. Kissing each other passionately then softly in my ear she asked if i was ready to be her man? and the next thing I knew my mind raced like a fireworks show. I thought to myself my God this is sex then what would it be like to make love? I knew what I felt was love as I had lived with her for so long and grew to love her in a sense for what she did for me.

    Part.9
    Fast forwarding a few years, one morning after I had left for class she had taken a test she was pregnant. Now our place was right by my school which I came home at lunch to use and well mostly to see her and make love. She would have mine ready usually but sometimes I would make them. So I did as i passed her hers she said no which I found odd so I did mine then we made love to each other. Afterwards i got dressed fixed my hair and then she asked me to make her one so I did and we did them. Almost instantly i could hear her whispering "i shouldn't have done that" and then she looked at me and said I have to stop! We have to stop! I was certain then and again asked what was wrong? She said nothing that everything was perfect fallowed by were having a baby.
  12. Lostboy8731

    Lostboy8731 Community Champion

    Part.10
    Lately i had been skipping lots but that day rather then go back for afternoon classes I stayed with bea. Eventually I got to a point where I wasn't having any interest in school so I asked if I could drop out and she was quite for a bit then said agree then she would tell me the deal. So i agreed,she told me the deal was I would have to get a part time job and start helping if I wasnt in school. So I agreed and we called the school and she posed as my mom telling them I was going to home school and travel the rest of the year. The call felt like it took an hour but was only really 15 minutes. They just wanted to be certain before closing my file. So I started looking for work and while waiting for a call back from anywhere I applied to I started doing lawns and repairing porches and painting and doing landscaping and building/ filling flower beds and designing and building waterfalls and bea and i quickly realized I was doing pretty good so bea started calling places to see what they charged per square foot of soil or grass and rates for supplies and time and all that and before I knew it I was putting out flyers the she professionally made describing what we do, costs details on deals ect. She had even made a website and had before, during and after photos of each job on the site.
    Part.11
    We were deeply in love and we were a team. I was now doing my own work, being my own boss and bea answered emails from home and taking calls. Finally I was rather we were making more then enough to cover half of everything as we agreed. I'd try and give her more but she always put it in my wallet or the bank. Life was great we had both eventually sobered up. Which was a rollercoaster of emotions and pain and both came close to using but we stayed stron together and did it. Way I saw it was bea had iworse being pregnant as well, so if she could do it then I damn well better be able to as well. Everything was working out and our little girl was growing in mommy's tummy...or so we thought
  13. Lostboy8731

    Lostboy8731 Community Champion

    Part.12
    So now jumping ahead again bea and I are sitting at the hospital and the doctor comes in to discuss our little girl. He then begins telling us that her organs aren't developing in the womb and there's a 5-10% chance she will live after birth. Our options were either chance it and hope they can save her soon as she's born or terminate the pregnancy and have a still birth. We sat for hours in silence and then finally made the hardest choice in our lives. We would have them terminate the pregnancy rather then see our baby suffer. So that night they came in and shocked her heart and induced labor. All I could think to do was hold bea hand and assure her I was there for her. Moments later it was over. Bea passed out from exhaustion and the nurses gently cleaned and dressed our little girl.

    Part.13
    Later that evening i went to the next room and they had placed our baby in a bed so we could say goodbye. Gently i picked her up talking to her and sat holding her in my arms cursing God and everything for taking my girl. Eventually i broke down and just held her crying as bea came to say her goodbyes as well. That night we checked out and started heading home. Things were quiet as neither of us spoke a word except when bea asked if I had any cash I replied no but headed for the bank machine. Knowing exactly what she was thinking cause i was to. We drove to our friends house and i went inside. A short while later i returned and got in and we continued heading home.
  14. Lostboy8731

    Lostboy8731 Community Champion

    Part.14
    It wasnt long after being home that we did our shots and soon after we were talking again and getting a long we even made love to each other for many nights to pass. Numerous weeks had passed and bea went to visit her mama which was about 6 hours away. I stayed to work and get our Bill's caught up. A little over a week had passed and bea called to say she would be home that night I was happy and we were still doing good. She then told me she would call me right back so she hung up and I went back to work. Time passed slowly, half hour, hour, two hours and still no call from bea and then it rang, only it was a random number. So thinking maybe a customer I answered." Hello" I said silence and then the voice came through sir is this Travis? The asked

    Part.15
    Sry to bother you sir but this is constable such n such all I was hearing was mummers as I began to fear. Sir they called again I replied yes sorry I'm here. They said we need you to come down here asap please. Few hours later I had made it to town and got to the hospital rushing in asking everyone if they seen my wife. Nobody knew anything. Then in a shaking scared tearing voice i heard my name. I knew from phone calls it was bea mom. I turned around facing her as she asked if I knew anything I answered no ma'am I dont. Just then an officer came up and asked if i was travis? I answered yes sir and asked where's bea? Come with me please. We walked down many hallways nobody saying anything and that's when i seen the doors and knew we were at the morgue.
  15. Lostboy8731

    Lostboy8731 Community Champion

    Part.16
    It was then I said her mother should be her to I.D. her why me I asked in a teary voice. That's when the officer passed me a folded piece of paper. I opened it and read it. It was from bea " My dear I fear I've made a mistake yet at the same time I can't live anymore since we lost our baby. I love you so much and I'm very much in love with you. I know in my heart we will be together again as we are truly soulmates, best friends and, you are and always have been my one true love."
    Goodbye for now please take care of my mama. And with those last words she was gone.

    Part.17
    Shortly after I returned to the lobby to find her mother sitting waiting worried. She must of heard me coming and that second looked up at me with a concerned confused yet hopeful look in her eyes and all I could do in that moment was fall to my knees crying. She came to me hugging me and reassuring me it wasnt my fault and that she never did blame me. She then asked me over for tea so i gratefully accepted although puzzled aa well. We got to her house and went inside and talked for what must have been hours and the next thing she said was sleep here tonight and drive in the morning when its light out.
  16. Lostboy8731

    Lostboy8731 Community Champion

    Part.18
    Confused by this i explained you know I'm a drug addict right? She answered yes I know but I dont hold your illness against you nor did I with bea. I was completely shocked by this, well time passed and not a day goes by that I dont miss both my girls. Spent over a year and a half clean and sober.

    Worst part is now the last of my family passed and I just found out the doctors found an inoperable tumor on my brain. I've tried to keep fight and going forward for years and I'm finally all out of fight. And criticize me all you want but yes i have fallen again after 2.5 years clean I started using to numb the pain. I know it's not healthy or right it's simply that this is where I am right now
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  17. True concern

    True concern Community Champion

    First off I'm so sorry for your loss second off I will never criticize you,third off this broke my heart I need a little time to think and respond properly ...with my heart not my mind.God bless you
    Dominica, deanokat and Lostboy8731 like this.
  18. Lostboy8731

    Lostboy8731 Community Champion

    I posted the rest. Had to do it in sections or chapters if you will
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  19. Lostboy8731

    Lostboy8731 Community Champion

    Blessing to you as well
    deanokat and True concern like this.
  20. Lostboy8731

    Lostboy8731 Community Champion

    Ive posted the rest of my story
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